Monday, March 17, 2014

Excuses, Excuses

Oh, hi there. My poor little neglected blog. Kind of felt like I'd abandoned you, but I promise, I'll be back here someday. There are so many things I want to write about, so many bookish things that I've been thinking about lately. But right now, I'm in survival mode, and some things just get neglected when you're in survival mode.

It's not just school, although that is partly to blame. I have been busy with all the school work, and any time I sit down at my computer without any intention of working on the three term papers hanging over my head, I feel incredibly guilty.

No, the real excuse is that I'm pregnant again.

This is incredibly happy news, it really is. But my first trimesters are rough, and this one has been rougher than before. I don't like to complain, because I know some women have it much worse than me. And I promised that I would not let this post descend into a rant about all the agonies that are a rough first trimester. But let's just say that this pregnancy has, quite literally, taken everything out of me. I am barely staying on top of school work. I am keeping my toddler alive.  There is nothing beyond that. I don't have energy for anything else these days. We are in survival mode.

But I am not complaining, and I want to stress this. A few weeks ago, my husband started talking about what his theoretical dream life would look like. Let's just say that it does not involve the horrible hours and drudgery that being a first year attorney at a Big Law firm entails, which, unfortunately, is his reality. Then he asked me what my dream life would look like right now, if I could choose any reality. And I had to think about this for a while, because my reality right now is not very fun. My day to day right now is pretty miserable. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this IS my dream life. If I could choose anything, this is what I would choose. I would choose to be a mother, and I would choose to be going to school, and I would choose to do these things at the same time because that is when they both work best for my body and my mind. I would choose to have a healthy body that is capable of bearing children when I want to have children. I would choose to have a wonderful, growing little family that brings me more joy than anything in life. And I would choose to be in school.

And, obviously, I did choose all these things.

I just find it kind of funny that my dream life involves so much day-to-day misery. But really, truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. If I could, I would choose this over again each and every time.

Good things in life are worth going through a little pain for.

And someday, I'll come back to write more random thoughts in this little corner of the internet. But in the meantime, understand that I'm just trying to survive right now.