tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85592476873120847652024-03-13T12:18:19.619-05:00Such StuffCreating an intentionally bookish lifestyle.Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13441067291467421356noreply@blogger.comBlogger381125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-29640042081703455432023-12-30T15:32:00.003-06:002023-12-30T16:17:01.610-06:00Top Ten Books of 2023<p> In recent years I've neglected posting my top 10 list here (I've been settling for the ease and brevity of just posting about my reading life on Instagram these days, and even then, not with any regularity, see my last post on how intensely busy my life is). But I have a minute today, so let's do this like old times! Here's my arbitrarily-picked-based-on-my-mood-today list of the top 10 books I read in 2023 (out of 103 books read so far... I have roughly 32 more hours to read another one...;)</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhP_Jb0AqoC4QwUqGxebOmd4nvxuLZCysoCe_xRuPOQMsYM3lC42laom2MwzvJ2gWdTEBON2ZOojDchFJBlR8uOiRbZgFpyVpTqK6s76iYqnSvYH5W0qGqDRPHuv7-nT4dHqtPEJT7y_56cyW1hEhminQLwcSApThY8BSZ9nU_TxpECWqRq3VF9Jq0pDcU" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img data-original-height="400" data-original-width="271" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhP_Jb0AqoC4QwUqGxebOmd4nvxuLZCysoCe_xRuPOQMsYM3lC42laom2MwzvJ2gWdTEBON2ZOojDchFJBlR8uOiRbZgFpyVpTqK6s76iYqnSvYH5W0qGqDRPHuv7-nT4dHqtPEJT7y_56cyW1hEhminQLwcSApThY8BSZ9nU_TxpECWqRq3VF9Jq0pDcU=w136-h200" width="136" /></a></p><p style="text-align: left;"><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61685822-monsters" target="_blank">Monsters: A Fan's Dilemma</a> </i>by Claire Dederer</p><p>I don't think I recommend this one as a general populace read. It's a bit more literary critic, a bit more academic (though still mostly written for a public audience). Anyway, I loved how deeply Dederer engaged with these issues around what it means to love art and literature, especially when the creators of that art are problematic. She delved into questions I've thought about deeply myself (especially when it comes to women/mothers producing art), and while she doesn't arrive at any easy answers, her ideas (especially the idea of "stain") have shaped the way I've come to think about some art. I plan to use excerpts of this book in my upcoming course on "Authors and Identities" where I'll be teaching an Ernest Hemingway novel.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiiz17K3XWtx5EfUpO28wRUeQ0EbJQb9Y_JtlN0rk49h6beQxmpUGgY1kqPqnnllrMYX3M521jRJrm48A-WHQ11GT5KPS511aGtTPZZ7aP-7XlUnecC_Zf3oOKoFgc8rL9pp1Zain0qBtJp2YgohzWrjGXRfXjapwUKpT0XI1N4M2gT9JtHMwaC45vCvHU" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="2850" data-original-width="1878" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiiz17K3XWtx5EfUpO28wRUeQ0EbJQb9Y_JtlN0rk49h6beQxmpUGgY1kqPqnnllrMYX3M521jRJrm48A-WHQ11GT5KPS511aGtTPZZ7aP-7XlUnecC_Zf3oOKoFgc8rL9pp1Zain0qBtJp2YgohzWrjGXRfXjapwUKpT0XI1N4M2gT9JtHMwaC45vCvHU=w132-h200" width="132" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61771675-hello-beautiful" target="_blank">Hello Beautiful</a> </i>by Ann Napolitano<p></p><p>At about the quarter mark of this book, when I realized where the plot was headed, I thought I was not going to like this book. In fact, I thought I was going to put it down and not finish. But I did finish, and I ended up loving it. The conflict is a bit emotionally grueling, but the characters are so beautifully drawn and the writing just so lovely. It's loosely based on <i>Little Women</i>, and I just loved the way it borrowed from the original while still being its entirely own story. I had a hard time seeing how this was going to be a "happy" ending, and while it might be a stretch to call it happy, I found it satisfying. Anyway, just lovely. I highly recommend.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiSwG7F9zd_TTBYg8-Lff8H4fxFbDzFBy-yAAls3TQSQcbgp22XDErCGM_N775MRq-WSKlaB1YchoHg3lRqF6CJpvLX1DPK8_qTw8czedRyEy7XJyL3tf_94RLvmbyGB9HSGTcuDHJ9EhKd_Ii9CvvIg84_U31VLE9vFMDyCXGrTke2iDqD1fmhkcU6moA" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="475" data-original-width="311" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiSwG7F9zd_TTBYg8-Lff8H4fxFbDzFBy-yAAls3TQSQcbgp22XDErCGM_N775MRq-WSKlaB1YchoHg3lRqF6CJpvLX1DPK8_qTw8czedRyEy7XJyL3tf_94RLvmbyGB9HSGTcuDHJ9EhKd_Ii9CvvIg84_U31VLE9vFMDyCXGrTke2iDqD1fmhkcU6moA=w131-h200" width="131" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/76807-lockwood-co" target="_blank">Lockwood and Co.</a> </i>by Jonathan Stroud<p></p><p>I'm cheating a bit and including the whole five-book series in one spot here on the list. I'm still wondering if this should make the final cut, but really, this just hit at the right time and in such a satisfying way for me. Jonathan Stroud has the best type of dry British humor, and I love his world-building. I wanted to throttle all of the characters in this book (my goodness, but the Brits really can't talk about emotions, can they?), but I loved them all so much, and the stories were so fun. These would make fantastic October reads (all about ghosts and creepy things like that). It's a YA series, fantasy dystopian, and just so much fun. Highly recommend.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEihN3QqDKE6VpU13SBDszIXY9iAdO9EW2jPzoAg_A76zeNvYKJwRDenz9bl9L8xbA48pnVHvFKti3w-a4ndXIZuHjylT-h8MsRSJD8jnY9HgCnND7ux16JqFYI4PkRiGt7OKnmnXQ-wDay2eUX9p-m1-b5JpDwfUBG3Q39ExOCBm8ug1tKZHJdDdiFOhOM" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="1250" data-original-width="816" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEihN3QqDKE6VpU13SBDszIXY9iAdO9EW2jPzoAg_A76zeNvYKJwRDenz9bl9L8xbA48pnVHvFKti3w-a4ndXIZuHjylT-h8MsRSJD8jnY9HgCnND7ux16JqFYI4PkRiGt7OKnmnXQ-wDay2eUX9p-m1-b5JpDwfUBG3Q39ExOCBm8ug1tKZHJdDdiFOhOM=w131-h200" width="131" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60784546-divine-rivals" target="_blank">Divine Rivals</a> </i>by Rebecca Ross<p></p><p>This definitely wins as my favorite fantasy read from the year. It was so romantic and had lovely writing, and the world-building aspect was unique and intriguing for me. The plot is basically You've Got Mail (enemies to lovers through mystery letters) set in a WWI-era European-type world with some sort of Greek/Roman god mythology (the war is happening between the gods with humans fighting for them), and magic? And technology? It's a mash-up, but it totally works, and I was here for it. This is the first book in a duology, and the second book just came out (it is currently sitting on my phone, waiting for me to listen!!!! Squeee!!!!). Highly recommend!</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjgO_8HSMFd-i_ybasAM-jTQ_bzF9pxotwvaFKOQRneQf19LI9D43lh29uaUqiwZR_tsiVHDXJETopVZ-zpQgropgbLPL848G3V6TusRm2gHWfcbrYfO4OiwqeuDpHEKX6PxLf5ckTfgVBbI87O5lPyhjuUuAs6S2ttjUAi-XGETOJ6o_IUIdJUhS0x5TE" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="400" data-original-width="263" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjgO_8HSMFd-i_ybasAM-jTQ_bzF9pxotwvaFKOQRneQf19LI9D43lh29uaUqiwZR_tsiVHDXJETopVZ-zpQgropgbLPL848G3V6TusRm2gHWfcbrYfO4OiwqeuDpHEKX6PxLf5ckTfgVBbI87O5lPyhjuUuAs6S2ttjUAi-XGETOJ6o_IUIdJUhS0x5TE=w132-h200" width="132" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59575939-an-immense-world" target="_blank">An Immense World </a></i>by Ed Yong<p></p><p>Oh man, this was a book I could not stop talking about. I talked about it so much that my husband then picked it up, and then he could not stop talking about it. This is a non-fiction book about animal senses, and how different animals have different ways of perceiving the world that we can barely begin to comprehend. It was fascinating for so many reasons, but one unique reason for me was because of ideas it gave me for intersections with my research (one of my dissertation chapters focused on the sense experiences of audiences). Anyway, it was fantastic (if a bit dense) and I highly recommend.<br /><br /><br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEijJkPZtFrFXtjVFrtuMaWtg6GgVsqQf3t5BfHF3ng12TWe60asXB8d8-Ma6MFspuc3mN6CakltoC--pwJNY4sAbx5MpTNnU8eBVwMTt3ZuNuqO3GDlvXd3Ww2lhaU7ilq8sOz1Q-fDoIoxTY-ZXZarEK82UGuYvdOodQ806DNyYsEksGtIkp967chruJ0" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="500" data-original-width="338" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEijJkPZtFrFXtjVFrtuMaWtg6GgVsqQf3t5BfHF3ng12TWe60asXB8d8-Ma6MFspuc3mN6CakltoC--pwJNY4sAbx5MpTNnU8eBVwMTt3ZuNuqO3GDlvXd3Ww2lhaU7ilq8sOz1Q-fDoIoxTY-ZXZarEK82UGuYvdOodQ806DNyYsEksGtIkp967chruJ0=w135-h200" width="135" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62069739-when-we-cease-to-understand-the-world" target="_blank">When We Cease to Understand the World</a> </i>by Benjamin Labatut<br /><br />Oh man, this book! Okay, this is not a general recommend. I think you have to have a solid interest in sciences like quantum physics but also a high tolerance for fictional/fantastical re-imagining, so yeah, maybe not a book for the general public. But, this book spoke to me on so many levels. I found it fascinating and creative and I wanted more and more and more (okay, there were a handful of moments that went too far for me, got me a little grossed out, so there is that caution). I am here for this kind of history of science!<p></p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjVYWQ0DhG1wPXUJXEbmjRxGWgsoEiItJ3XhgjwtCKNjlMey1H1y3JBIXas6Z9lU7-SZa75OOxb8LWcGOSH-gHErijquj6SVBk3wkg-nHBac8S77bGAdLILXoh3C_Xfm45YDufNNSUP1XY5Qta1pKVdJJAtNlyoWywYxOhAWEn9_OCQOeKZRwvBf2SK6aI" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="2425" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjVYWQ0DhG1wPXUJXEbmjRxGWgsoEiItJ3XhgjwtCKNjlMey1H1y3JBIXas6Z9lU7-SZa75OOxb8LWcGOSH-gHErijquj6SVBk3wkg-nHBac8S77bGAdLILXoh3C_Xfm45YDufNNSUP1XY5Qta1pKVdJJAtNlyoWywYxOhAWEn9_OCQOeKZRwvBf2SK6aI=w132-h200" width="132" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/57945316-babel" target="_blank">Babel </a></i>by R.F. Kuang<p></p><p>I went back and forth on whether or not to include this one on the list. To be honest, I did not love the ending, and I'm still working through my emotions on the overall message of the story. One of the unofficial subtitles is "The Necessity of Violence" and the book makes a strong argument for that, which I just struggled with. Plus, I felt it was overly long. But! But the magic system in this book was just fascinating! Translation and the power of words, and wow! It was so cool. So in the end, that got me. If this book weren't so dang long I would recommend it for a book club, because there would be so much to discuss. Anyone else read it? I want to talk!</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEixDual89sX7cuTH5i9qPvEdd-ftmUgXJJwueSjDXbgE2hKEBpznqDcaWZ20Z-dD0eXWS0mGeEFsxLM6-1oFRn9w0M6xiyEXO9hCjUwyFZhP-Nlp1yIACf9f6GIuzbNoNxL7A6R5yG9t-9swhJf0n-hvZDtLikY1rW2DlWwC3-637zIiszPcpWQfypDpeA" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="509" data-original-width="340" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEixDual89sX7cuTH5i9qPvEdd-ftmUgXJJwueSjDXbgE2hKEBpznqDcaWZ20Z-dD0eXWS0mGeEFsxLM6-1oFRn9w0M6xiyEXO9hCjUwyFZhP-Nlp1yIACf9f6GIuzbNoNxL7A6R5yG9t-9swhJf0n-hvZDtLikY1rW2DlWwC3-637zIiszPcpWQfypDpeA=w133-h200" width="133" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/180357146-the-covenant-of-water" target="_blank">The Covenant of Water</a> </i>by Abraham Verghese<p></p><p>I went back and forth on including this one as well, because it was so long, and I nearly lost steam in the middle and didn't finish. There were just a lot of threads that I struggled to see how they connected, and a lot of meandering side stories that didn't connect. But I powered through, and in the end, yes, I can confidently say this is a masterpiece. I mean, it is simply incredible, and will probably turn into some kind of classic. So I'm glad I read it. But do I recommend it? Only if you really like sprawling epic multi-generational literary tomes in the grand tradition of 19th-century Victorian writers (or you really want to learn more about 20th-century India? Or weird medical conditions?). It was very good, but it takes patience to appreciate it.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgM4MCW6OC7-JqSaSLZeWP5nG2Q6pCyFVQK-fwQgOKClvRVl5DXbk_aJy0Viwlmmv7Z_MBlIFcgBvudiYQoIOORw1HDFGW3tb735wb8barEHHQi5RsXx0v7YifU2GQyg76wgS4AUWwsE8SFEO0nQmRNKaIwEyzJ0QxtyLykoMIDMYsI2-Ht7mr8BfRYRSg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="500" data-original-width="334" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgM4MCW6OC7-JqSaSLZeWP5nG2Q6pCyFVQK-fwQgOKClvRVl5DXbk_aJy0Viwlmmv7Z_MBlIFcgBvudiYQoIOORw1HDFGW3tb735wb8barEHHQi5RsXx0v7YifU2GQyg76wgS4AUWwsE8SFEO0nQmRNKaIwEyzJ0QxtyLykoMIDMYsI2-Ht7mr8BfRYRSg=w133-h200" width="133" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1848.Wild_Swans" target="_blank">Wild Swans</a> </i>by Jung Chang<p></p><p>This is another one that I went back and forth on including here. This is another long, sprawling, multi-generational (true!) story about 20th-century China that covers everything from the early war-lord years through Japanese occupation through civil war and then through a fascinating behind-the-scenes look at growing up in Mao's Communist regime. There was so much I did not know, so much that blew my mind, and so much that I found fascinating. Did I enjoy it while I was reading it? No! (Communist China is just about the most depressing subject). But am I glad I read this? Yes. Do I recommend this? Honestly, I feel like everyone should read this because we all need this context for why our relationship with China is what it is today. But yeah, I would not have picked this up if it had not been selected as a book club read, and it was a slog. But a really important, really fascinating slog.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj5JslQhFuy-th9t9nPJHrMyGIvMFAQ_3Nh2zJY1MjYeY1cE7g0wr9xDvl8__U5mW-lwX4saYphXE0uM5G_SJfTzB94hdVE5AwXr4303JiMsEBjNmPpbGuMXsy1bEdhEyAEA3Zt0zAMTg5xy8MO1bUaajp8PK29R0PLdovHAWcXnx1lBkZj9Y_4nPpQIIA" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="447" data-original-width="300" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj5JslQhFuy-th9t9nPJHrMyGIvMFAQ_3Nh2zJY1MjYeY1cE7g0wr9xDvl8__U5mW-lwX4saYphXE0uM5G_SJfTzB94hdVE5AwXr4303JiMsEBjNmPpbGuMXsy1bEdhEyAEA3Zt0zAMTg5xy8MO1bUaajp8PK29R0PLdovHAWcXnx1lBkZj9Y_4nPpQIIA=w134-h200" width="134" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59900661-the-whalebone-theatre" target="_blank">The Whalebone Theater</a> </i>by Joanna Quinn<p></p><p>I also debated heavily on whether or not to include this one on the list. Through the first half of this book I was sure this was going to be a five-star favorite read of the year. But then it devolved into a rather unremarkable WWII story, which killed my enthusiasm for it (I'm tired of WWII stories). But based on the strength of the first half alone, I'm recommending this one here. I loved the characters, I was floored by the writing (it's a debut novel, and the writing was just so beautifully crafted!), and I (obviously) loved the theater bits. Can't help my bias any time Shakespeare shows up in a story. It really is very good.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>Honorable Mentions</b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhiMM17PZrm2fOlCw8RfLYXuCeD_sZPEEoQ3OtL7COd3X8U9ebq3LyaiCGci-q9n3vzME8JV7lMaUJaR6StXl3Syq6sxM7mB6MpXKvvW-xf2sOP--5grTLMnV2v9DEufGrzy5_ukJyUyNjuJJEbVG3n_KYgDXKuzG1SdThmAr9ku71733jcwtKu6rqcSrA" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="400" data-original-width="259" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhiMM17PZrm2fOlCw8RfLYXuCeD_sZPEEoQ3OtL7COd3X8U9ebq3LyaiCGci-q9n3vzME8JV7lMaUJaR6StXl3Syq6sxM7mB6MpXKvvW-xf2sOP--5grTLMnV2v9DEufGrzy5_ukJyUyNjuJJEbVG3n_KYgDXKuzG1SdThmAr9ku71733jcwtKu6rqcSrA=w129-h200" width="129" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40914164-the-7-1-2-deaths-of-evelyn-hardcastle" target="_blank">The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle</a> </i>by Stuart Turton<p></p><p>This book blew my mind. It wasn't so much the murder mystery, but the way the murder mystery was explored/solved. I felt like I needed a spreadsheet to keep track of everything, so if you don't like really complicated convoluted plots that take all your mental energy to follow, you'll want to stay away from this one. It doesn't make the official list because I feel like the ending/outside world of the story wasn't super satisfying. But really, I have to give Turton props for coming up with the most interesting and unique murder mystery I've ever read. It was incredible, what he attempted (and achieved) with this plot. I heard rumors it was getting developed for a TV show and then canned, which is too bad, because in the right hands, this could make a phenomenal TV series.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjpHpY887r_C8nNCxa1MoCdiRprC0LmPpZjECCBvIt2O5irOZMaXzaFVIvORSje8yv9Lg6bJSzhRh92-fduPk59HFJ9ueRiAcITb4ZOZ9xYQVHMx72htMmCj_sk0EdVt3co69qPVUio4Ku16zt7dQmzLdW1PSGHLlwSiIed7E6ud5SiYh1Dwdpmc-bPWHs" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="400" data-original-width="265" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjpHpY887r_C8nNCxa1MoCdiRprC0LmPpZjECCBvIt2O5irOZMaXzaFVIvORSje8yv9Lg6bJSzhRh92-fduPk59HFJ9ueRiAcITb4ZOZ9xYQVHMx72htMmCj_sk0EdVt3co69qPVUio4Ku16zt7dQmzLdW1PSGHLlwSiIed7E6ud5SiYh1Dwdpmc-bPWHs=w133-h200" width="133" /></a></div><i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/53138232-zorrie" target="_blank">Zorrie</a> </i>by Laird Hunt<p></p><p>This is a short and sweet little book that follows Zorrie, our main character, through her mostly lonely single life from her time as a girl in the 1920s, through her short marriage, then her long widowhood running a farm in rural Indiana. While reading this book, I thought it was lovely but ultimately not that special and probably something I would forget. But then, I didn't forget about it. In fact, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking about this book. I was amazed at how Zorrie's life was so sad but also not sad. It was so small, but also so meaningful. Anyway, I just keep thinking about it. I don't think this is a book most people would love, but if you like character-driven novels along the lines of Wendell Berry or Marilyn Robinson, then you might enjoy this one.</p>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-30850675107430682932023-12-30T12:50:00.000-06:002023-12-30T12:50:19.186-06:00The Real Story of 2023<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNh_G64mSrIDm8O6ccxfRoy8eYF_rz1V0aKZtZDjlCAX9vyjzzmQkwHEC6DNEApwK7BdQAhnH6YtHdLPSNe5DKZv0ynW7jCUiajzClawOHkOkdNu3tHGRvsT3NK3LYSQUJS98kdxqx7-A30rb-31I2p5vOQP8gsxHh-a89V3io28NNVWcPfdKg7ORsdh0/s6240/tanner-2023-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4160" data-original-width="6240" height="427" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNh_G64mSrIDm8O6ccxfRoy8eYF_rz1V0aKZtZDjlCAX9vyjzzmQkwHEC6DNEApwK7BdQAhnH6YtHdLPSNe5DKZv0ynW7jCUiajzClawOHkOkdNu3tHGRvsT3NK3LYSQUJS98kdxqx7-A30rb-31I2p5vOQP8gsxHh-a89V3io28NNVWcPfdKg7ORsdh0/w640-h427/tanner-2023-1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>On my Christmas card this year, I gushed about what an
amazing year it was for me. I graduated with my PhD, I went on a dream trip for
two weeks with my husband around France, and then I received a dream job offer
and became an English professor at a small local private Catholic university.
It really was an amazing year, and so many good, amazing, wonderful things
happened. Nothing I said on my Christmas card was a lie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But as we all know, the snippets we see on social media or
in that end-of-year Christmas card don’t tell the whole story. What the summary
on my Christmas card left out was how 2023 was one of the most intense years of
my life. Finishing up my dissertation consumed my life in the most mentally and
physically draining way. I spent most of January, February,
March, and April glued to my laptop. I nearly pulled all-nighters trying to
meet revision deadlines. My fingers ached from the amount of typing I had to
do. I missed my family’s spring break trip and instead spent twelve-plus hour
days working. I doubted all my life choices and spent many, many days shaking
from the stress, anxiety, and exhaustion of it all. It was a lot. Of course, I
did finish, and successfully defended and graduated, which was incredible. But
not exactly easy.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBghpl3WejxSnTFmUHCKMpBtzOba285uET_X9uz0S5L0J251J4K8tacedwVxv-nOemRcjS9LS_8GwZ2ekJIttHE2J293UC9RdKVFiBFkC6ShMH7qc_TOWNDUwYJVUGW8QyWDNbfVGsrDs4S77u_DDUaA_waUfVOw7wh42yA3lCdBU-jJDlo-L3-3wVS4A/s2950/2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2950" data-original-width="2950" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBghpl3WejxSnTFmUHCKMpBtzOba285uET_X9uz0S5L0J251J4K8tacedwVxv-nOemRcjS9LS_8GwZ2ekJIttHE2J293UC9RdKVFiBFkC6ShMH7qc_TOWNDUwYJVUGW8QyWDNbfVGsrDs4S77u_DDUaA_waUfVOw7wh42yA3lCdBU-jJDlo-L3-3wVS4A/w640-h640/2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p class="MsoNormal">Then my autistic son had a very rough spring (I'm not sure I've written about this publicly? My second son was diagnosed with autism and ADHD last year, it's a whole journey that I want to write about sometime...). Some very
difficult issues cropped up involving his sensitivities, and he required a lot
of my mental and emotional time and energy. I struggled to find a therapist for
him, then found one that didn’t seem to help much, and then spent a good majority
of the summer and fall researching and reading and struggling to master what
felt like the entire field of pediatric occupational therapy. I was learning
everything I could about sensory dysregulation and trying to figure out how to
help my son function and get through normal activities without constant panic
attacks. I made some progress, but we are still very much in the process of
finding him the right help, and it is a lot. It is a heavy burden.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Then in early July, I received an interview request and job
offer in very short succession that threw my summer plans into chaos. Yes, it
was a dream job opportunity I was very excited about, but I had very few weeks
to familiarize myself with an entirely new university system and design two new
courses from scratch. In between some fun (but not restful) trips, I planned
and prepped and spent more late nights trying to pull things together. The
semester started in mid-August, and I have been drowning ever since. At one
point, right before midterms were due in October, I broke down sobbing on my
husband’s shoulder before he had the audacity to leave on a business trip.
While solo parenting, I had to grade 85 papers in a week, while pulling
curriculum together for new units, while still managing to keep our house and
family of six floating and fed. The discipline it took from me to wake up every
morning at 5:30, get everyone to school and daycare, get myself to class, teach
all day, pick everyone up, shuttle everyone around to activities, make dinner,
get everyone to bed, then sit and grade papers until midnight or later… it was
unsustainable. My body was breaking down. My mind was breaking down.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I could tell I was on a one-way path to burnout. Something
had to give. I wondered which of my children’s various activities we should
drop, I schemed about finding room in our budget to hire a housekeeper (ah, the
pipedreams of working moms who make a pittance), and I considered quitting.
After all, we don’t need my salary to live. My income is not a financial
necessity, and if this job is going to ruin my mental and physical health, it
isn’t worth it, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here’s where I need to explain how I make decisions. I
have two channels, two streams of intuition, if you will, that I tap into when
I’m faced with life choices. The first channel is one I’m confident we all have
some version of. Some might call it a gut instinct or whatever, but I recognize
it as a collection of various messages I’ve received from the world around me
and (consciously or unconsciously) adopted. These are messages that speak to
me, resonate with me, and “feel” right. Some of these messages come from
various philosophies I’ve studied, media I’ve consumed, or ideologies I’ve
found appealing. Mostly, they come from the church: scripture, conference
talks, sacrament meeting talks, Sunday School
discussions-- basically a lifetime of soaking in the dogma of my religion. We all consume
messages from various places: our family, our peers, and society as a whole. Messages are swirling around us all day every day, and our brains latch onto some of these messages, mix them all together, and use them as a guiding inner
compass to help us define who we are, how we want to be seen, and how we make
decisions (for good or for ill).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Look, generally I consider myself a fairly discerning
person. I feel like I’m pretty competent at weeding out the crap messages the
world sends my way and only attracting/attaching/absorbing the good. So,
listening to this stream of intuition, I was absolutely sure in October that I
needed to make drastic changes in my life. I believe in rest! I believe in
sanity! I believe in self-care! Phrases from conference talks over the years
kept popping into my head, about “<a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng#p1" target="_blank">Good, Better, Best!</a>” or “<a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/let-him-do-it-with-simplicity?lang=eng#kicker1" target="_blank">Simplify!</a>” Our very own prophet gave a message last year about<a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10/47nelson?lang=eng" target="_blank"> rest</a>, and I was
all ready to believe that was a personal message meant just for me. And those
are just the messages coming from inside the church! There are all sorts of
segments of society touting minimalism, rest, essentialism, and simplifying.
Gen Z seems to be perfecting the art of defying burnout, and I was willing to
listen to all of this. I was willing to make the drastic changes, cut back, and
do what needed to be done so that I could not feel on the verge of a breakdown
at any minute. It seemed like the “right” decision. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But here’s where I need to take a step back and explain
about that second stream of intuition, if I can call it that. What I actually
call it is the Spirit. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You see, for me, the Spirit as a source of revelation and
influence in my life is very separate from my gut level intuition. I know that
everyone feels the Spirit differently and receives revelation in their own
personal ways, but I’ve always wondered about people who describe feeling the
Spirit in the same way I described my gut intuition earlier, because my
experience is so different. For me, my gut level intuition (composed of all
those messages I’ve consumed) is something that I always have access to, is
always there, and while sometimes not exactly clear (there are lots of
conflicting messages out there!) is always very much “me.” The Spirit, on the
other hand, is more like a mental radio station that I tune in and out of. I
have to consciously tap into it (through prayer and meditation), and the signal
is not always broadcasting. Sometimes all I get is static, radio silence.
Sometimes I get muffled signals or emotions, like I just need to adjust the
antenna because nothing is coming in super clear. Other times, the most
important times, I get a voice. Not like a voice I hear with my ears, but
thoughts in my mind that come intensely loud and clear, full complete
sentences. I get words, and those words are coming from outside me. They are
not me, they are God.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I use both these streams of intuition to make decisions
about my life. For most decisions (should I sign my kid up for soccer? Should I
force my kid to eat veggies he doesn’t want to? Should I buy that pair of
pants?) I listen to my gut. It’s more accessible, and by and large, I’ve done
good work to consume the right type of messages so that I trust my gut. I trust
the voices I listen to. I’m pretty good at making decisions. This is one of my
personality strengths.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But for the really big decisions (should I marry this guy?
Should I have kids? Should I get a PhD?) I invariably check in with the Spirit.
Sometimes I get very clear answers that already align with my gut instinct
(yes, you should marry that guy), so they are easy to follow. Sometimes I don’t
get any answers from the Spirit (<a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2021/02/the-mysteries-of-revelation.html" target="_blank">like, absolutely zero guidance on having children</a>) which leaves me confused (does God not care if I have children?) but
ultimately, I follow my gut instinct and just roll with it (<i>I </i>want children, so now I have four).
And other times, the messages from the Spirit come way out of left field and
shake up my entire life and worldview (<a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2016/08/my-career-path-part-2-divine.html" target="_blank">like getting that PhD when I didn’t even want a PhD</a>, and it meant I had to do all sorts of things that went against my
gut instincts, <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2017/08/permission-to-want-it.html" target="_blank">like putting my precious children in day care</a>).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here’s the thing. Every time I have listened to the Spirit
over my own gut instinct, I have never regretted it. The way my life has played
out has taught me in the most profound way that even when the voice of the
Spirit seems to be commanding me to do things that go against world views and
philosophies and opinions that I think in general are “right,” I am never wrong
to follow the Spirit. Never once has it led me astray. And so I’ve come to
trust the Spirit, and made a promise to myself that I will always, always
listen when I get a clear message.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Okay, so back to October. I’m a hot mess. I am not getting
enough sleep. I’m worried my neck and shoulders are going to be permanently
damaged from the perpetual state of clench I find myself in. I am on the verge
of tears all the time. And my gut is telling me something has to change. This
is unsustainable. I cannot keep up this pace of life, and I need to make some
big changes. And I’m just sure the Lord has to agree with this, right? There’s
no way this is the life He wants for me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So of course I pray about it. After all, quitting a job is a
pretty big life decision. I lay out all the cards, all the things on my plate
(my job, my calling, my heavy responsibilities as a wife and mother), and
explain how the thing that seems the least important in the grand scheme of
things is this job. I explain how I feel like I am standing too close to the
sun and I’m being burned alive, that is the intensity of my life. I explain
that I am breaking, and something has to give.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And I get a voice, loud and clear, that says, “Everything
you are carrying is necessary to me. Every responsibility on your plate is a
‘BEST,’ not a good or a better, and you are not to put down anything. This is
the job I prepared for you. These are the children you are meant to have. This
is the life you are supposed to live, at this level of busy and intensity.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Guys, I cried. I was already weepy, but this was too much. Have
you ever had the experience of kneeling down in prayer seeking solutions,
seeking rest and relief, and instead feel that weight is being added?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I tried explaining again that I was going to break under the
demands of my life, and I got another clear voice that said, “Stop asking what
you can put down. Instead, ask how you can get stronger. I have already carried
you through completing your dissertation, I will carry you through this job. I
will not let you break if you rely on me.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was a humbling moment for me. And a moment of surprising
reflection. I thought back to the semester of finishing my dissertation. Last
January, my dissertation was in really bad shape. In fact, it was in such bad
shape that my advisor recommended I delay graduation for a semester or even
another year, because there was so much work to do on it. But I prayed about it
(of course), and felt very distinctly that I needed to stick to my original
plan and graduate in May. I didn’t know why this felt so urgent, but I
understand now it was because the Lord had this job prepared for me (though
again, I’m still grappling with why this job is so important to the Lord…? I
don’t know!). So I worked and I worked and I worked. It was brutal, and I
thought it was all me, but looking back, I can see how much the Lord carried
me, guided my mind in my revisions, gave me the ideas I needed. At my defense,
every member of my committee commented on how they had never seen a student
make such drastic improvement in such a short amount of time. I see now I would
not have finished in time if the Lord had not been carrying me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so I’m here now, at the end of my first semester as a college
professor. I submitted grades and have had a few weeks to catch up on sleep and
reflect on all of this (and just to illustrate, yes, a week where I hosted
grandparents for Christmas and celebrated two children’s birthdays was more
restful for me than a regular week during the semester). There is still so much I
don’t understand about the path my life is on. As much as I love this job, I
still don’t understand why I’m here, and why this seems so important to the
Lord. I’m looking forward to next semester still with a lot of fear and
trepidation (I’ll be teaching three preps instead of two, once again designing
an entirely new course while tweaking the two I just finished). There will be
spring sports for my kids and therapy for my son. There will be a conference
paper to write, other trips to plan, relationships to maintain, and a calling to
keep up with. And all of it is necessary. All of it is important.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t for one minute believe that the revelation I
received for me is a universal truth. I still trust my gut instinct that for
most people, simplifying is crucial. Most people desperately need to listen to
the message to say no, to let go of the things and activities cluttering their
life with stress and leading to burnout. It’s not healthy. And I also still firmly believe that at some point in my future, I am meant to have ease and rest as well (I still believe what I wrote at the end of<a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2021/07/baby-4-birth-story.html" target="_blank"> this post</a>).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But for right now, for this season, I have been called to a life of busyness and intensity. And so, I will brace myself to face the glaring heat of the sun
without burning out. And I will have faith that I will not fail, for I will be
carried. I pray not to ask what I can put down, but to ask for strength to
carry all that has been given me. I’m still probably going to be more exhausted
than I want to be, and less able to indulge in my hobbies and rest activities
(like bookstagram, blogging, puzzling, and other things I dream about longingly
when I sit down to grade papers), but I trust the Lord. Perhaps the intense
burning of my busy life will strengthen me like coal being turned into diamond.
The Lord will not let me break. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I also share this story because I am intensely curious, does
the Spirit work like this for anyone else? Does anyone else feel this very
clear divide between gut instinct intuition and the Spirit? And if not, how
does the Spirit work for you?</p>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-86647186160405710402022-09-19T09:37:00.001-05:002022-09-19T09:37:42.074-05:00The Feminist Multiplicity of Motherhood: A Review of Hanne Ørstavik’s Love <p> <i>Note: I wrote this review specifically as part of an assignment for a course I took this past summer with a visiting professor, Rita Felski. Thus, the review does assume an audience that is somewhat familiar with the book, since I knew Dr. Felski had already read it. Anyway, still thought it was a good piece of writing, so I wanted to share it here.</i></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1506793555l/35210752._SX318_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="376" data-original-width="318" height="376" src="https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1506793555l/35210752._SX318_.jpg" width="318" /></a></div><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“You
know, when you’re a mother, you won’t be able to read all the time like this.
You’ll have to actually pay attention to your children!” My mother repeated
this refrain to me often as an adolescent, when she would become annoyed with
my seemingly endless freedom to bury my nose in a book and become lost to the
world. I was a voracious reader then, plowing through several books a week in a
way she saw as irresponsible. I would stay up late to finish books, I would
read through my (really quite boring) school classes, I would have read through
dinner if my mother would have allowed it. I’m sure it was pure jealousy, her
own wish to abandon her responsibilities as a mother and a housewife and a
full-time working elementary school teacher and just get lost in a good book
like me, get lost in any sort of activity that was purely for her own pleasure.
But she was always too busy, so she contented herself with projections of my
own future, when I would also be too busy to read, too absorbed in the roles of
being a good mother.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
still hear her voice in my head often, warning me that to be a good mother I
have to put away my books and pay attention to my children, now that I have
four children of my own. I also work full time, toiling away at a full teaching
load of freshman composition as I struggle to finish my dissertation and
graduate with my PhD. And like my mother before me, I have a husband to keep up
a relationship with, and dinner to get on the table every night, and a house to
keep (somewhat) clean. Yes, I am just as busy as she was.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
I also still manage to read just over one hundred books for pleasure every
year. Slower than my adolescent rate, but not by much.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
I wonder, often, as any modern American woman with children will do, am I a bad
mother?</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hanne
Ørstavik’s Norwegian novel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love</i>, written
in the late 1990s, explores similar questions about what it means to be a good
mother, or a good woman. Translated into English by Martin Aitken in 2018, it
is remarkable how much these issues still resonate in the culture of American
motherhood two decades into the twenty-first century. Ørstavik’s tightly woven
and relatively short plot revolve around the inner monologues of a single
mother, Vibeke, and her almost-nine-year-old son, Jon, during their divergent
adventures one fateful and perilously cold evening. After coming home from work
and indulging in various self-care activities, Vibeke decides to venture out in
search of books, entertainment, and possibly the companionship of a man (any
man will do). Unbeknownst to his mother, Jon also ventures out in hopes of
giving his mother time and space to make a surprise cake for his birthday,
which is the next day. Vibeke’s inner monologue reveals not a single indication
that she has any plans for her son’s birthday, let alone that she even
remembers it is the next day, and this unforgivable fact, in concert with her general
self-absorption, marks Vibeke as unquestionably a “bad mother.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
yet, when asked which of the two main characters I identify most with, it is
not the son, who is clearly the more sympathetic protagonist. No, it is the
mother I identify with most. Like Vibeke, I too wish I could “read all the
time, sitting in bed with the duvet pulled up” (7). She gets through at least
three books a week, sometimes four or five. My two books a week seem tame in
comparison. Like Vibeke, I also like painting my nails deep shades of red. I
too enjoy the sensuality of a bath and little rituals of self care. A damning
line from the novel comes after the dinner scene, when Jon is chattering
endlessly about something. “Can’t you just go, she thinks to herself. Find
something to do, play or something” (17). This line is pointed to by critics as
evidence of just how terrible she is as a mother. But I have this exact same
thought about my own children at least twenty times a day. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Please, can’t you just stop talking to me, stop needing me? Just give
me a moment to think my own thoughts?</i> I see myself reflected back to me in
so much of Vibeke. Does this mean I am a bad mother?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This
book was one of a spate of Norwegian novels written during the final decade of
the twentieth century that offered examples of “bad mothers” or broken families
as part of an exploration of the relationship between critical feminism and
motherhood. Early feminism had a complicated relationship with motherhood. On
the one hand, the roles of motherhood were so defined by the institutions of patriarchy
that choosing not to have children seemed the only way to be a true feminist.
Influential feminists like Simone de Beauvoir and Jeffner Allen called for a
complete rejection of motherhood, arguing that “motherhood is dangerous to
women because it … denies to females the creation of subjectivity” (Allen 315).
On the other hand, women keep choosing to have children (and rationally, some
women must have children to propagate the species), and such women’s lived experiences
cannot be discounted in the great feminist project of caring for and about all
women. But the question remains, both for feminism and this novel, what makes a
good mother? What makes a bad one? And can you be a feminist, individual woman <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and </i>a good mother at the same time?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>One
could make a surface argument that Vibeke embodies a fully liberated feminist
woman. She apparently has left Jon’s father because, according to Jon, who
repeats the phrase as if he’s heard it many times before, “She was too young to
be tied down” (56). She only reads books by female authors (a fact noted in
passing that could be interpreted as either very feminist of her indeed, or
rather weak-minded of her, depending on which female-authored books we’re
talking about). And she seems like the type of woman who, unlike the model
mother figure of the oppressive patriarchal order, is peculiarly free of
self-sacrifice. She is her own woman. She pursues her own pleasure. If it
weren’t for the fact that she is painted as a little silly and foolishly bad at
reading people and relationships, Vibeke could be the heroine of some other
novel, the free woman escaping the bounds of expectations placed upon her by
society and the patriarchy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
she is not a heroine here. In this novel, her silliness is inexcusable, her
self-absorption bordering upon the criminal as it leads to the serious neglect
of her son. The neglect is not so much in how she is unaware of her son’s
location, nor of his seeming self-assumed freedom to enter the houses and cars
of strangers, nor her own failure to secure a babysitter before she leaves for
the evening (here is a feature of the novel that does not translate well to current
American culture, where we helicopter and hover over our children to the point
that even in the safest of suburban neighborhoods, children up to age fourteen
are not allowed to be left on their own<a href="file:///C:/Users/suzan/OneDrive/Documents/PhD%20Stuff/Attachement%20Theoy%20-%20Rita%20Felski's%20Class/Suzanne%20Tanner%20Public%20Book%20Review%20-%20Love%20by%20Orstavik.docx#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">[1]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>—Americans
must take care to remember that even as historically recent as the nineties
children were routinely left home alone for several hours at a time with no one
blinking an eye; and as for Jon’s encounter with strangers, it is also
important to note that he is neither harmed nor endangered by any of these
strangers, they do not cause the tragedy of the book). No, the true neglect is in
how little Vibeke thinks of her son at all. The inner monologues reveal that
Jon thinks of his mother all the time, while she thinks of him rarely. That is
the essence of Vibeke’s “badness” as a mother.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
it is also the essence of where this book fails, both in terms of Vibeke’s
character development, and as a feminist (or anti-feminist?) text addressing
the issues of motherhood. In setting the liberated and self-focused Vibeke up
as a “bad mother,” the sub-text seems to suggest that a good mother would be the
opposite of Vibeke. A good mother, in contrast, would be self-sacrificing. A
good mother would not go out in search of her own pleasure, she would devote
herself to the care and pleasure of her child. A good mother would not have
gone to the fair; rather, a good mother would have stayed home and made that
cake for her son. This has been the narrative of motherhood writ large for the
past century, if not more, and this is the patriarchal institution of
motherhood that feminism has continued to grapple with. When you become a
mother, you cease to become an individual, you cease to become a woman with
needs and interests and desires. You must subsume all of that in service of
your children. So my mother told me (both in words and by example), and so this
book seems to be telling its readers. This is what good mothers do.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
I would like to propose an alternate possibility for what it means to be a good
mother, via an alternate imagined version of this character of Vibeke. It
doesn’t substantially change the plot of this story, and indeed, may not change
the outcome of the tragic ending. In my version of this story, Vibeke still
leaves the house to go to the library in search of a good book. She even still
goes to the fair, and possibly even on that terrible date with Tom (the man she
meets at the fair). But in my version, in between all the other thoughts she
has, Vibeke also thinks of her son. She thinks of what books she might pick up
for her son at the library along with her own. She thinks of how her son might
enjoy the fair and when she might be able to bring him back to it. She thinks
of Tom in terms of how he might get along with her son. She still has her
moments of annoyance and frustration with her son (heaven knows we all do), but
alongside those, she has her thoughts and feelings of affection. At the very
least, she remembers the birthday, and thinks of picking up a cake at the store
in the morning. And while these individual thoughts might not change the
specific course of the plot as it stands, I suspect that they would indicate a
fundamental change in the character of Vibeke that would ripple out into the
thoughts and actions of her son, and possibly make the tragic outcome one of
pure accident, not neglect.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not
a single one of these thoughts requires any self-sacrifice on her part, or
rejection of her individual self in the service of her son. She is still
allowed to be a completely individual woman. She is still allowed to indulge in
her own needs and desires. She is even allowed to be a little silly and bad at
reading men. But here’s the thing about women that any fully realized feminist
ideology recognizes: we are capable of multiplicity. We are capable of multiple
identities, we give attention to multiple areas of our lives. We can love
reading, we can seek out companionship and excitement, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and </i>we can think about our children. While I am in no way espousing
the doomed platitude that women can “have it all,” I am absolutely saying that
a woman can be an individual person <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and </i>a
good mother. At the same time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Because
after all, being a mother, just like being a partner or a friend or a daughter,
is far less about the “roles” society has assigned to that title, and far more
about what matters in any relationship: paying attention and showing love. It
does not follow that the attention paid must be all consuming. In fact, in any
other relationship, paying all consuming attention is generally considered
dismally unhealthy. In any other relationship, it is recognized that a fully
whole and individual person who takes care of themselves is far better able to
show up for the other person. So it is in motherhood. Vibeke fails as a mother
not because she takes care of herself and seeks to fulfill her own needs. She
fails as a mother because she forgets her multiplicity. She forgets she can pay
attention to both herself and to her son.</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
yet, I still find myself pondering the question, am <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I </i>a bad mother? Am I paying <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">enough</i>
attention to my children? Perhaps those questions can only be answered by my
children themselves and their future (and in one case, current) therapists. But
here’s what I do know: sometimes I ignore my children so I can finish the book
I’m in the middle of, or work on my dissertation, or I send them to bed early
so I can carry on an uninterrupted adult conversation with my husband. But
sometimes, I put my book down so I can shoot the breeze with my oldest son, or
I leave the dissertation mid sentence to comfort the crying baby, or I
sacrifice date night with my husband so we can have game night as a family. I’m
not perfect about the balance. There are times I feel frustrated about the lack
of time and attention I’m able to pay to my work and my hobbies and my adult
relationships. There are times I feel frustrated about the missed moments with
my children. But I still give some time and attention to each of these things
in turn, because each of these parts of my life is better for the attention I
pay to the other. I am a happier mother, happier to spend time and attention on
my children, when I’ve already had some time to do other things just for
myself. And I’m a happier woman, happier in my career and my hobbies, because
I’m grounded in relationships that bring me foundational purpose. My children
give my life purpose and meaning, my work and hobbies give my life interest and
satisfaction. I devote attention to my identities as a woman, as an academic,
as a reader. And I devote attention to my children. Both/and. Is it enough? I
don’t know. But I do know I’m happier than I would be without my children, and
happier than I would be if I never allowed myself the time to read for
pleasure.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
also, I’ve never forgotten my children’s birthdays. So at least there’s that.</p>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">Works
Cited</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: .5in; text-indent: -.5in;">Allen,
Jeffner. “Motherhood: The Annihilation of Women.” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mothering: Essays in Feminist Theory</i>, edited by Joyce Treblicot,
Rowmann and Allanheld, 1983, pp. 315-30.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: .5in; text-indent: -.5in;">Ørstavik,
Hanne. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love</i>. Translated by Martin
Aitken, Archipelago Books, 2018.</p>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<div style="mso-element: footnote-list;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<!--[endif]-->
<div id="ftn1" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<p class="MsoFootnoteText"><a href="file:///C:/Users/suzan/OneDrive/Documents/PhD%20Stuff/Attachement%20Theoy%20-%20Rita%20Felski's%20Class/Suzanne%20Tanner%20Public%20Book%20Review%20-%20Love%20by%20Orstavik.docx#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">[1]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>
Every state has different laws and age limits, but in the most extreme case of
Illinois, it is illegal to leave children unattended before the age of fourteen.
See <a href="https://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/fulltext.asp?DocName=070504050K2-3">https://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/fulltext.asp?DocName=070504050K2-3</a></p>
</div>
</div><i></i><p></p>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-87232550249827157112022-02-01T19:07:00.008-06:002023-12-30T11:51:28.572-06:00Eternally Safe<p><i>I wrote this story last year, shortly after the events here happened, but I could never quite bring myself to hit publish on this piece. I just have too many close friends and family who have experienced miscarriages recently who might read this blog, and I didn't want to rub my miracle in their faces. But as my husband's birthday was this past weekend, which marks the one year anniversary of this worst night of my life, I've been reflecting on this experience again, and my feelings from that night. Now that I have a beautiful amazing squishy perfect baby in my arms, the potential loss of that night seems even more unimaginably painful, but I hold to my original feelings of faith. I guess I use this blog often to record some of my more personal reflections on faith and spirituality. These just are organic parts of me that I need to write about, record, and feel compelled to share. And this is one story I do feel compelled to share, so here we go. </i></p><p><i>Content Warning: Graphic descriptions of blood loss, trigger warning for (potential) miscarriage, (potential) baby loss. Read only if your heart (and gross factor) can handle it.</i></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUUOM6T9H90orrJKRZCzKh1kLmTv3ZS-etKk-w8kL5__aMnFuWelgKQdQ85Q9swhWIWRi6f5XRnvZfXshmWhJvVjGZ4CN2JI9CxyCFoDzKBUEg-LJ1TUdShz2PRsjURBMT4d31qXJ3uhQ/s2048/IMG_7577.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUUOM6T9H90orrJKRZCzKh1kLmTv3ZS-etKk-w8kL5__aMnFuWelgKQdQ85Q9swhWIWRi6f5XRnvZfXshmWhJvVjGZ4CN2JI9CxyCFoDzKBUEg-LJ1TUdShz2PRsjURBMT4d31qXJ3uhQ/w480-h640/IMG_7577.JPG" width="480" /></a></div><p><br /></p>My husband's birthday had been on Thursday, but we celebrated that Friday because, well, Friday is just an easier day for celebrations. I dropped all the kids off at their various schools/daycares, then ran to a doctor's appointment. I was seventeen weeks, we listened to the heartbeat, she prescribed me a new medication to help with the nausea (I'd still thrown up that morning), then met my husband for lunch at a barbecue place (and yes, I managed to keep the food down, it helps when I don't have to make it myself!). A mid-day date is a rare luxury we've only begun to enjoy this year, with him working from home and all the kids in school. We talked about how once the baby came, such luxuries would disappear again for a few more years.<p></p><p>That night with the kids we ate cake, watched a movie (Dad's pick, since he was the birthday boy), then got the kids put to bed. It was about 9:30, I was sitting on our bed on top of the snow white duvet, when I shifted positions and noticed the blood. A bright red spot in the middle of that snow white fluffiness. Out of place. Unexpected.</p><p>"I'm bleeding!" I announced to my husband, who examined the spot and immediately jumped into stain-prevention mode (he's the one in our relationship who cares about stains, it's his area). I ran to the bathroom, hoping against hope that this was just a minor fluke, just a little bit of spotting, nothing to worry about.</p><p>But the flow down my legs told a different story. I grabbed toilet paper and tried to staunch it, but the blood just kept coming, soaking through wad after wad after wad. My husband hovered back and forth between me and the trail of blood I'd left behind, trying to clean things up, trying to find the one thing he could control in this situation. I told him to grab a phone and do a Google search, "Bleeding at seventeen weeks pregnant: when to call a doctor!" This had never happened to me before in any previous pregnancy. I'd never so much as had a spot of blood before delivery. I knew this was not normal, and it was not good.</p><p>Then I felt it. A giant, slithery, squishy something slid it's way down my vagina and slipped into the toilet with a splash. My heart stopped. What was that? I couldn't tell through all the bloody water, but I needed to know (because the not knowing, the imagining was so much worse), so I reached my hand into the toilet and pulled it out, heart in my throat. It looked like a giant disk, rubbery, about the size of my palm. My husband used my phone to take a picture. It was a clot, we guessed. Just a blood clot, nothing more.</p><p>But it was still the moment when I had to look at my husband, hands and legs and toilet covered in blood (it looked like a crime scene), and whisper, "I think I'm losing our baby."</p><p>Everything after that was a blur. There was the phone call to my doctor's office emergency line, where we were told we needed to go to the emergency room immediately, then the phone call to my mother-in-law who immediately jumped in her car to come spend the night at our house with the kids, the phone call to my parents to ask for prayers, then my husband gave me a blessing, and we cleaned up the blood as best we could and got me dressed with a giant pad in place, and loaded into the car as soon as my mother-in-law showed up.</p><p>And through it all, through the long dark drive to the emergency room clutching my husband's hand, I imagined my future weeks and months. I imagined healing from a miscarriage. I imagined telling my children they wouldn't be getting a sibling in July (that thought nearly killed me). I imagined an empty summer with just normal activities, no babies. I couldn't imagine trying again. I couldn't imagine going through a first trimester again. I didn't know if I had it in me. I thought, "This is still our last baby, even if we lose it now," and that thought made me want to curl into a tiny ball and cry.</p><p>Perhaps it says something about the immense privilege of my life to say that this was the darkest moment of my life, the closest to heartbreak and loss I've ever come (there was<a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2016/06/the-longest-night.html"> the night we almost lost my father-in-law</a>, which was also a dark, dark night, perhaps only that moment compares). I felt the weight of it hovering over me. It wasn't real yet. It wasn't medically confirmed yet. But I knew as soon as it was, the weight of the grief and sorrow would crush me. I wanted this baby so badly, I had already sacrificed so much to bring this baby into the world, and it would hurt beyond any pain I'd ever experienced to lose it.</p><p>But even in this dark, dark moment, even with this impending tragedy hanging over my head, and even with the expectation that I was facing a crushing pain that would shatter me, I found a place of stillness deep inside me. I sat in that car on that dark drive, and then sat in the bright antiseptic emergency waiting room, and I knew that no matter what, I would be okay. Because in my deepest core, I knew God was with me.</p><p>You never really know how deep your faith is until it is tested. This was a moment of test for me, but it is a moment I've also been trying to prepare myself for my whole life. The test was how will I respond when life comes crashing down and I face losing the most precious pieces of my heart? And my answer, which I had prepared myself for and then was able to find in that dark moment, my answer was to turn to God.</p><p>It wasn't until I taught a Relief Society lesson a few months after this dark night that I fully realized what I had experienced. The lesson was based on a <a href="https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2020/10/42harkness?lang=eng">conference talk by Sister Lisa L. Harkness</a>, and the message was about how to find peace in the midst of anxiety and uncertainty in this life. Sister Harkness shares the story of the disciples on a boat in the Sea of Galilee one dark and stormy night. While Jesus slept, the storm raged and the disciples feared for their lives. I posed the question to the sisters in my ward, were those disciples ever in actual, real danger? Did they actually have reason to fear, or lose hope? Was all lost?</p><p>And the answer, obvious to us centuries removed and with all the hindsight in the world is, of course not. A ship containing the Son of God who had not completed His mission was never in danger of sinking. Catastrophe may have felt imminent to those disciples, but it was an illusion. There was no real danger. As long as they were with the Son of God, they would never be lost.</p><p>But I took the question further. I asked about later on, when Christ was actually killed. What must have the disciples felt then? Did they feel that the catastrophe had come? That the worst had happened? Did they feel despair, crushing defeat, immense sorrow? Yes, I'm sure they did, but the original question still stands. Was all lost?</p><p>And the answer, of course, is no. Even in that darkest night when Christ's body lay in the tomb, even in the poignant sorrow of that moment, God was there. They were safe, there was hope, for nothing can frustrate God's plan.</p><p>And that's what I knew in my own dark night. I knew that even though I would be incredibly sad to lose my baby, even though it would be heartbreaking and crushing, I knew I would be safe. I knew God still lived, and I knew God would be with me through my sorrow. I knew I would be sad, but I also knew the sadness would not destroy me, God would not let that happen. I believed in my worthiness to be comforted, as long as I remained faithful to my covenants. I wouldn't be safe from pain or sorrow in the moment, but I would be eternally safe in the love of God.</p><p>Of course, those of you who know the outcome of the story know that my faith was not completely put to the test that night. We got a miracle. We got to that moment when they held the monitor up to my belly and we heard the steady rhythm of a tiny, healthy heartbeat. My baby was alive. It was not a miscarriage. The ultrasound later confirmed baby was kicking and squirming. My placenta had simply slipped down to cover my cervix, a condition that often causes bleeding, but otherwise, was not cause for major concern. Placenta previa (the technical name) usually self-corrects, and even if it did persist until the end, the worst it meant was that I might need a C-section. Compared to losing my baby, this was no big deal. My baby was safe. My baby was alive. The story had a happy ending that even a few minutes earlier, I didn't believe was possible.</p><p>I wonder often why we were spared in that moment, why the hanging threat of crushing grief was lifted and turned to joy, when for so many others the outcome is different (miscarriage is so common, but the commonness of it doesn't make the grief any less potent). I do not have answers to that question. I do not for a moment suppose it's because my faith made me more worthy of a miracle. I do not understand miracles yet, or why they are granted to some and not to others. I have known far more worthy and faithful people have their requests for miracles refused, so I do not know why we were granted ours. This is a subject I still wonder and think about often.</p><p>Instead, what I do know is that if sorrow had been the path I was called to walk, God would have walked it with me, even as He now walks with me in my joy. I'm so grateful I don't have to face the heartbreak of loss, but I'm also grateful to know that if I did have to face it, or when I will have to face it (as we all will at some point or another), I won't have to face it alone. I am eternally safe.</p><p>That is my faith, and it carries me through.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhWn8Jhod5FekTbK3580fM_qmgdxaG1PARkXF2xNkVOcKp46oJBWWfi0bzfkA0wnTypLIJ_zMiy48uCvFnkeZPuaHocx58U7enlYDcjIjDt1mw1kt5Nebl9dTleDJxJcoPaoaVCYKLfUttwbtG84TMaS9pCgyv-2z6eRlWjXzcfFS2yGMvbFJ8PVvtC=s3000" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2400" data-original-width="3000" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhWn8Jhod5FekTbK3580fM_qmgdxaG1PARkXF2xNkVOcKp46oJBWWfi0bzfkA0wnTypLIJ_zMiy48uCvFnkeZPuaHocx58U7enlYDcjIjDt1mw1kt5Nebl9dTleDJxJcoPaoaVCYKLfUttwbtG84TMaS9pCgyv-2z6eRlWjXzcfFS2yGMvbFJ8PVvtC=w640-h512" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Rosie at birth</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjn_x_7HtApq23jEgJipY9J8T1e1Y5jTq6H0BoBA4HN_WWxeMWr8B7M14byw32UUX-Y4gSJJLGkqf7eVIklzwybswWD0MOcSXaQSNqquQvJfgutfa1yoKlTLXKhm1KUCV7xlei2KirVlqkiP-Yv62_u3GJKwX7WUeGj3JJYBb0w1RXsSB6jlAGZLqGu=s4032" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjn_x_7HtApq23jEgJipY9J8T1e1Y5jTq6H0BoBA4HN_WWxeMWr8B7M14byw32UUX-Y4gSJJLGkqf7eVIklzwybswWD0MOcSXaQSNqquQvJfgutfa1yoKlTLXKhm1KUCV7xlei2KirVlqkiP-Yv62_u3GJKwX7WUeGj3JJYBb0w1RXsSB6jlAGZLqGu=w480-h640" width="480" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Rosie today.</div>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-85318794557979077442021-12-14T19:48:00.002-06:002022-01-25T19:58:43.551-06:002021 Top Ten (+1)<p>Okay, my last post on here was to announce the birth of my baby girl... and she's 5.5 months old now... so that's how things are going. But! I will never stay away forever because babies grow up and seasons pass and I find more pockets of time in my schedule and that continual itching to write about books and life never leaves. So I'll always be back.</p><p>The year is not over yet, but between now and New Year's Eve I have to finish my grades and wrap up the semester, celebrate the heck out of my-sister-in-law's wedding, pack like crazy, and take my whole family to Hawaii for Christmas (and not take my laptop), so this is kind of my last chance to get this post written before January (which is when I usually write these end of year wrap-ups, but hey, let's try doing things early for once in my life.)</p><p>So far this year I've read 71 books, and while I will likely hit at least 75 (after all, I still have that trip to Hawaii ahead of me), it's still not a banner year for me. This is the first time in three years I'll be under 100, but considering 2017 (when I only managed to read 67 books) was the last time I had a baby under one, I anticipated this year would likely be a struggle. On the one hand, I have all that nursing time to read, but on the other hand, my brain is sleep-deprived and fried.</p><p>And 71 books means I've still had a fair chance to read some pretty amazing books this year. In order that I read them, here are my top eleven reads from the year (I tried to narrow it down to ten, but hey, this is my blog, I make the rules).</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1564946199i/43822731.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="533" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1564946199i/43822731.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><i>The Dearly Beloved </i>by Cara Wall<div><br /></div><div>It's about two couples, two co-ministers of a church in New York through the sixties and beyond and their wives, how they came to be friends, their relationship with faith and God, doubts, and trials. It was beautiful, but not perfect. I wanted more from it, I wanted the story to go on, I wanted more things explored and explained. And there are people I know who didn't care for this book as much, found it went on too long or whatever. But there were passages in here that made me feel so much, moments I still haven't forgotten a year later. I loved it.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1629894278i/52623750.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="463" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1629894278i/52623750.jpg" width="132" /></a></div><i>Wintering</i> by Katherine May<div><br /></div><div>I read this one back in January or February (a good time to read it), and I don't remember everything about it, but the things I do remember have really stuck with me and kept me thinking. It's not a perfect book, with a bit of a strange imperfect mix between personal narrative and research about winter, coldness, depression, and all sorts of things. But I still highly recommend it, I think, especially if you struggle with winter. I don't hate winter the way many people do, I don't struggle with depression, but I still found the message here resonated with me about why a season of dark, cold, and rest is necessary for life.<br /><div><br /></div></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1597694359i/53487148.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="265" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1597694359i/53487148.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div><i>A Thousand Ships </i>by Natalie Haynes</div><div><br /></div><div>A feminist retelling of the <i>Iliad</i> and <i>Odyssey, </i>or at least, a retelling from the women's perspective. The chapters jumped around from story to story, and often I found myself just getting invested in a character's story when we'd be ripped away to the next one. But I still loved this perspective of these classic stories, especially Penelope's letters to Odesseus. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1602190253i/52578297.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="475" data-original-width="314" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1602190253i/52578297.jpg" width="132" /></a></div><div><i>The Midnight Library </i>by Matt Haig</div><div><br /></div><div>I've heard this book criticized for being "gimmicky" or having a plot device that's a little too allegorical or hit-you-over-the-head with it's theme and message. Sure, but it's a really good and powerful message, and I actually thought Haig navigated his plot structure (which could've gotten old, or really Groundhog's day, or actually, whatever the opposite of Groundhog's day is, really fast) quite skillfully. It's the same message as <i>It's a Wonderful Life </i>about your life regrets probably mostly being unfounded, and the value of the life you've lived that you feel is worthless. I don't have many regrets in my life, but I still found this book resonating deeply.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1609095173i/50202953.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="530" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1609095173i/50202953.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div><i>Piranesi </i>by Susanna Clarke</div><div><br /></div><div>I debated about whether or not to add this one. The experience of reading this book at the beginning is completely disorienting and strange and beautiful, but by the end has reduced down into something knowable and understandable and maybe even mediocre. But I don't know that I would've liked the beginning at all if it hadn't answered most (not all) of the questions by the end. But yes, something of the beautiful mystery had to die with the answers. Anyway, it's a very different book, and I recommend this one in print over audio. It's strange, be prepared, but just stick with it.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1606940427i/52609381.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="533" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1606940427i/52609381.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div><i>The Power of Writing It Down </i>by Allison Fallon</div><div><br /></div><div>For someone who makes a living inspiring and helping other people write, the writing in this was actually mediocre at best. But the message, despite it's self-help packaging and regurgitated cliche's, in one that resonates and speaks to my soul. The message is simply that we figure our lives out through writing about our lives. I believe this message, and I will preach it forever. And I think this book is worth the read if you can handle the self-help tone and style.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1549839392i/40538657.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="530" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1549839392i/40538657.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div><i>The Island of Sea Women </i>by Lisa See</div><div><br /></div><div>I almost gave up on this one early one, because while I found the (based on real life) culture and history of these Jeju women divers to be fascinating, it took a while for the central conflict and direction of this plot to get going. I was getting impatient and a little bored, but I'm so glad I stuck with it. It got dark, super dark, but in the end this story has had some serious staying power with me. It was beautiful.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1563406373i/44280830.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="282" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1563406373i/44280830.jpg" width="141" /></a></div><i>Dragon Hoops </i>by Gene Luen Yang<div><br /></div><div>A graphic novel about high school basketball has made my top ten list for the year. No one is more surprised than I am. But guys, this book was so good, and so interesting, because it's mostly based on a true story, and it was just fascinating to see how Yang chose to frame the truth of it, the parts of real life that didn't fit neatly into some perfect narrative, and while there was triumph, there wasn't perfect resolution in everything. And it was just so compelling and clever and fascinating to see what can be done with the graphic novel genre. In short, this was brilliant, and I highly, highly recommend this.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1597695864i/54493401.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="265" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1597695864i/54493401.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div><i>Project Hail Mary </i>by Andy Weir</div><div><br /></div><div>Wow. My brother's comment about reading this book is that he's just so sad he'll never get the experience of reading this for the first time again, and I feel exactly the same way, because the first time through reading this book is so. much. fun. It's a thrilling ride, hilarious, with an insane amount of science, and it's just so good. I wouldn't say anything about this is super deep (I mean, the science is deep, but not necessarily the themes or philosophical side of it), but the writing is incredible. And so fun. I mean, can I say it enough? This might have been the most fun reading experience I've ever had. Full stop. Highly recommend.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1593147477i/48930276.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="533" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1593147477i/48930276.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div><i>More Than a Body </i>by Lindsey Kite and Lexie Kite</div><div><br /></div><div>Nonfiction about the cultural objectification of women's bodies and how it causes massive shame and horrible problems. Here's the thing, we all know this is a problem. We all know women have too much shame and pressure around their bodies and looking young and thin and perfectly beautiful and it causes major mental health problems. But also, we are so much inside the culture that we don't realize how bad it is. And that's how it was for me reading this book, knowing that our culture objectifies women, but still needing this book to get me to see just how pervasive and harmful it is, and how we need to think more deeply about all of this. Read this, then talk to me about it, because it's going to take some digesting.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1633443634i/57109107.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="529" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1633443634i/57109107.jpg" width="132" /></a></div><i>The Lincoln Highway </i>by Amor Towles<div><br /></div><div>Not quite as good as <i>A Gentleman in Moscow </i>in my opinion, but still so, so good. This was another one where I just loved the experience of reading it, loved being in the middle, and didn't want it to end. Towles is amazing at characters, and these characters are incredible. The plot gets a little over-drawn by the end, and that ending! I don't think it was the right ending! But I want to talk to you about it, because that is an ending that I just want to talk about forever and ever. I want to re-read this book again and again because I feel like there are so many layers to peel apart here. In essence, a worthy meaty book that leaves me already anxious for the next one Towles will write. I'm here for it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Okay, there's the list! In the unlikely event I read another fantastic one before the end of the year that deserves a spot here, I reserve the right to come back and edit this list, but for now tell me which of these you've read so we can talk about them!<br /><div><br /><div><br /></div></div></div>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-42073003967376094982021-07-23T16:21:00.003-05:002023-12-30T11:29:04.872-06:00Baby #4 Birth Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwqyn19ZRI4Pa-L3Mt83ZDdQqKrhxYyI24UqkwjuYhD5ViktCXWEmx3t-NQNUBMh49RREBEut0h-WJD2l6PF-5ICR75PyOsRLEh_t6ImkjuAsKujhK-VyzV8gl4hCpVA6_yyGE1E7NoQ/s2048/241dd655-fdc6-4916-8eee-3b28e2aaff52.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1638" data-original-width="2048" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwqyn19ZRI4Pa-L3Mt83ZDdQqKrhxYyI24UqkwjuYhD5ViktCXWEmx3t-NQNUBMh49RREBEut0h-WJD2l6PF-5ICR75PyOsRLEh_t6ImkjuAsKujhK-VyzV8gl4hCpVA6_yyGE1E7NoQ/w640-h512/241dd655-fdc6-4916-8eee-3b28e2aaff52.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>Introducing Rose Elizabeth Tanner, born July 2nd, 2021.</p><p>Yes, dear reader, I am no longer pregnant! And if everything goes according to plan, I will never be pregnant again! This is a fact that I cannot help marveling over again and again now that I am on this side of things. I will never be pregnant again. Hallelujah!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaMd6KZ9Q87-Lr_iHROAj09f9PRMtwrTgmRfzDBepKzgay4IBVgi2MQJdOkVfA1rgEy8JMI1ykR9EcjQTm6tDUReb65u-Z5cpVviQqvpyYph7xJVIUYSExRNuFVERC8rbw8NQDvTTerU/s2048/0ae9f4e7-b594-4edf-9532-66349fd9779b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1638" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaMd6KZ9Q87-Lr_iHROAj09f9PRMtwrTgmRfzDBepKzgay4IBVgi2MQJdOkVfA1rgEy8JMI1ykR9EcjQTm6tDUReb65u-Z5cpVviQqvpyYph7xJVIUYSExRNuFVERC8rbw8NQDvTTerU/w512-h640/0ae9f4e7-b594-4edf-9532-66349fd9779b.jpg" width="512" /></a></div><p>As with all of my pregnancies and birth stories, there is so much for me to process, so many emotions, and writing it out here always helps. There was my <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2015/09/healing-from-trauma-of-c-section.html" target="_blank">super traumatic first labor and delivery</a> that ended in an emergency C-section, then there was <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2014/10/baby-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank">my unmedicated second birth story</a> that served as a dose of healing, and then there was my <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2017/01/baby-3-birth-story.html" target="_blank">third birth story</a> that was as dramatic as the little person herself.</p><p>And now we have my fourth and final birth story, which I'm just sitting down to write three weeks after the event. If I had to pick one word to describe this birth, that word would be "hard". </p><p>Which is silly, because when I tell the short version of the birth story, it's actually very routine and happy. The short version goes like this: I experienced a long-term promodromal labor and was already dilated to a three, so my doctor agreed to induce me as early as the hospital would allow (39 weeks). We went in on the day scheduled, I got hooked up to the IVs, they ran antibiotics for the morning (I was strep B positive), then started pitocin, then broke my water. I labored through increasingly intense contractions through the afternoon, got an epidural around 4 PM, and was ready to deliver by 5 PM. The baby was born at 5:44 PM, and we were both healthy and well.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8H13xF0dyt_bNFKSYYfI60DCnbUP-MZJlET-BZ2y1AhGdLoxWiCeimXw-kh4J3HylWxy9_j6gA3eWV4VlZCP2S7uai9I99dLyIxQYEIURD9I83cpnt414MPJQQEZwjyUvfoDNDkfg6No/s2048/73b70f43-1bcf-4c2b-bba9-de1ca3aacb35.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1638" data-original-width="2048" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8H13xF0dyt_bNFKSYYfI60DCnbUP-MZJlET-BZ2y1AhGdLoxWiCeimXw-kh4J3HylWxy9_j6gA3eWV4VlZCP2S7uai9I99dLyIxQYEIURD9I83cpnt414MPJQQEZwjyUvfoDNDkfg6No/w640-h512/73b70f43-1bcf-4c2b-bba9-de1ca3aacb35.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>That's the short story. It was fine. It's the kind of birth story that is common, my doctor will likely have already forgotten about it. There was little drama, everything was fine, and we ended up with a beautiful baby girl in our arms. Happy story.</p><p>But to me personally, it was hard. Part of the reason it was hard is because, based on my last three experiences, I had some expectations for how this labor and delivery would go. I expected to go into labor on my own without pitocin (I did not). I expected the labor to be quick (it was not, at least by my standards). I expected to be able to do it without an epidural (I ended up getting an epidural). And I expected it to be early (technically, it was early, as I was induced at 39 weeks, but considering I was dilated and laboring for the ENTIRE month of June, I really wanted her to come earlier). When each of these expectations was shattered, I felt disappointed. I felt like it wasn't the way I wanted things to go. And it just felt like a hard end to a hard pregnancy.</p><p>But there were other factors, left out of that short version of the story, that did objectively make this a hard birth story. First, it was just a hard pregnancy. There was the fact that I was hospitalized twice with bleeding during this pregnancy (more on one of those stories coming soon), causing extreme concern about my ability to carry this baby to term. There was the long laundry list of smaller health concerns that plagued the end of this pregnancy: anemia, a recurring yeast infection, vulvar varicosities, and extremely low blood pressure, that made everyday life extremely difficult (because it was all of this on top of being nine months pregnant and in almost constant labor). There was the spit cup (have I told you about the spit cup?) and heartburn and insomnia and just so many reasons that this pregnancy was physically, but also mentally and emotionally, the hardest pregnancy I've ever had. June was just about the longest month of my life.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1iqPgHpywEYnIx4tL4bmkVkxTdhkSa7ftDlZUINtyQ3YCY7dOqcLWkhmNcj9vmzXZ0J06QJHeKtY-OvJYP1muijWfSbJRVfuv7MF17fLqc78LAJUOSl1Bs0q4xiRQhH15ychaCHZB3aM/s2048/82a97f5e-b725-4581-87c4-c117b3d6dd3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1638" data-original-width="2048" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1iqPgHpywEYnIx4tL4bmkVkxTdhkSa7ftDlZUINtyQ3YCY7dOqcLWkhmNcj9vmzXZ0J06QJHeKtY-OvJYP1muijWfSbJRVfuv7MF17fLqc78LAJUOSl1Bs0q4xiRQhH15ychaCHZB3aM/w640-h512/82a97f5e-b725-4581-87c4-c117b3d6dd3f.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>But then we finally got to July 2nd, the day of my scheduled induction. Like I mentioned, I was disappointed that I needed to be induced, that my body wasn't able to spontaneously go into labor itself (and maybe it would have, but after experiencing a month of prodromal labor, I would take the induction, anything to not be pregnant any more). Then the induction didn't quite go like it had in previous pregnancies. Before, I'd only needed a little pitocin to jumpstart my body, and it would take over from there, but this time, they kept giving me higher and higher doses of pitocin, and it seemed to be doing nothing. Several hours after breaking my water, I was still dilated to a 3, the same as when I'd come in to the hospital. Nothing was happening, and the higher doses of pitocin were brutal. You know how when you're working out, and you hit a point where you've over-exerted yourself, and your muscles start shaking because they can't hold up anymore? The contractions were so intense and painful that I could feel my entire uterus shaking like that, like it was going to collapse in on itself if only it could.</p><p>I wanted to do this birth without an epidural, but when they checked me again and I was still only at a three, I knew I couldn't endure the pain of those high-dose pitocin contractions. I begged for an epidural, but they couldn't give me one because my blood pressure was too low. Did you know this was a thing? I did not. They had to give me half a bag of fluid to try to raise my blood pressure, and the process took well over an hour. I thought I was going to die. I literally felt like my body was going to rip apart from the force of those contractions.</p><p>Finally, with the fluid in me, they called in the anesthesiologist. It took everything in me to sit up for the epidural, every ounce of mental and physical will power to hold myself together while they inserted the epidural into my spine. I anxiously waited for the relief to wash over me... but it didn't. Well, it sort of did. Just like with my first pregnancy, where my experience with an epidural was subpar, this time the epidural only worked on the right half of my body. The left half still felt the full force of each intense pitocin contraction.</p><p>But half the pain was still better than all the pain. I was able to relax a little, and apparently, that's all I needed. I just needed to be able to relax my body a little, because the next time the nurse checked me, I was fully dilated and ready to push. In the span of an hour, I went from a three to a ten.</p><p>We still had to wait for my doctor, who had just gone into surgery with another patient. This wasn't too much of a problem for me. Even without an epidural, I never feel the strong urge to push that most women talk about. I just feel like I could push if I wanted to, so we waited for about 30 minutes until my doctor was able to get there. The pushing part was relatively easy. Three sets of pushes and fifteen minutes later, I was holding our beautiful little Rose Elizabeth in my arms.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghn8IYk3tNRdaaw8J360UA61DAENl8qmi6VQyAv_qjFkeD9pBbh0ZTdjNtLRm6NKIxGb7hgp3_WsMIy-GZL7GVp-B-DkBAR5O9uFcaV3TvqVb2kMREgeWCFrTNPfDZJnqe6gdU1AMffBw/s2048/b0f6b431-43fb-461f-8d5e-29ec83c0e650.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1638" data-original-width="2048" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghn8IYk3tNRdaaw8J360UA61DAENl8qmi6VQyAv_qjFkeD9pBbh0ZTdjNtLRm6NKIxGb7hgp3_WsMIy-GZL7GVp-B-DkBAR5O9uFcaV3TvqVb2kMREgeWCFrTNPfDZJnqe6gdU1AMffBw/w640-h512/b0f6b431-43fb-461f-8d5e-29ec83c0e650.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p>But the hard part wasn't over. After we'd had a chance to sit for a while and bask in the glow of newborn sweetness, they moved us from the delivery room to the recovery room. I met my new nurses and ate some dinner while Nathan got some snuggle time in. Then the nurse came in to help me go to the bathroom, and as soon as I shifted positions, I felt the blood start gushing. And gushing, and gushing. Not in all my previous pregnancy recoveries nor in my two episodes of hemorrhaging during this pregnancy had I ever bled like this before. It was a bit terrifying to see the blood soaking through all the pads they had in place, drenching the hospital gown and flooding the bed. More nurses were called in. They brought in scales to weigh the lost blood and count the clots. They got me to the bathroom and changed the bedding and cleaned me up as best they could.</p><p>My doctor ordered two different types of medication to help stop the bleeding, one administered as a shot in my hip. Unfortunately, I had an adverse reaction to one of the medications, spiked a fever, and began to shiver uncontrollably with chills that continued on and off for the next twelve hours. And while the medication did seem to help staunch the hemorrhaging, I continued to lose a lot more blood and scary looking clots (like, the size of golf-balls) throughout the night. The nurses assured me that I was within acceptable ranges of blood loss and wouldn't need a transfusion, but even still, I've never lost that much blood before in my life.</p><p>It was draining, literally and figuratively. I remained stable, I continued to improve, nothing was ever life-threatening, but everything about my recovery was slower and more difficult than it's ever been before. I felt that blood-loss. I asked the doctor who was discharging me why there was so much blood this time, both during the pregnancy and after the delivery. Her answer was, "Well, honestly, this is your fourth pregnancy. I think your uterus is just tired."</p><p><a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2021/02/the-mysteries-of-revelation.html" target="_blank">When I prayed about this pregnancy</a> a year and a half ago, the Lord's response was, "Well, you can if you want, but it will be hard." When my husband gave me a blessing the night before the induction, he talked about "enduring the trials and hardship" of the labor and delivery. It was all hard. It was a hard pregnancy. It was a hard labor and delivery. Not dangerous or life-threatening. Just hard. My uterus is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired.</p><p>And because I'm the type of person who looks for meaning in everything, I've been asking myself "Why was this so hard?" Why does pregnancy in general, and this pregnancy in particular, have to be so hard?</p><p>I just finished reading Greg McKeown's new book <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54895700-effortless?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=iVaHLTnDJE&rank=4">Effortless</a></i>. I have many thoughts about this book, and hopefully will get a chance to write more about it later, but he opens the book talking about his epiphany that life was not meant to be hard, and if life is feeling hard, we should ask the question, "How can I make this easier?" In retrospect, this was not the best book for me to be reading at two weeks post-partum, because life is just hard at two weeks post-partum, and when I asked myself, "How can I make this easier?" the most obvious answer was, don't get pregnant in the first place. Don't have a newborn (I especially felt ragey during his chapter about making sure to get enough rest... if there's one thing a mother with a newborn should not be lectured on, it's the benefits of getting enough rest). If I didn't have kids at all, my life would be so much easier.</p><p>But despite McKeown's conviction that life is meant to be "effortless," some things are worth the extra effort. My beautiful little baby was worth that hard pregnancy and that hard labor, and this hard newborn stage. I would do it over again in a heartbeat to get our last little girl again.</p><p>But what about theoretical future children? Theoretical future pregnancies? Here's the thing, I love my kids. I love them so much, and I admit I'm a little bit heartbroken at the thought that I will never get to experience the miracle of playing genetic dice again, watching a new little spirit with a fully independent personality inhabit a new little body and grow and develop in the most surprising and (usually) delightful ways. It's spectacular to experience.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqQG29zladt3nEMl11399tlCComcUbMfMJ32eufZBVMmy3YC1puHkLef4iKnPNrECQlxyniKYihMPjlRhZG40G7CtuK63vOxojd2elO_kLR5voCdwF5XtpG6AQZ0Xq4rCEeDYIBx8_0ZA/s2048/119965f5-efe3-4d7f-833e-ad7ac72ae506.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1638" data-original-width="2048" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqQG29zladt3nEMl11399tlCComcUbMfMJ32eufZBVMmy3YC1puHkLef4iKnPNrECQlxyniKYihMPjlRhZG40G7CtuK63vOxojd2elO_kLR5voCdwF5XtpG6AQZ0Xq4rCEeDYIBx8_0ZA/w640-h512/119965f5-efe3-4d7f-833e-ad7ac72ae506.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p>But one theory I have, one hypothesis about why the Lord allowed this pregnancy to be so difficult, is to convince me I need to be done. To convince me my body cannot handle pregnancy again. Four has always been the plan, we have always known this would be the last one, but I know that if my pregnancies were easier, I would have more children, and I don't think the Lord wants me to. Does that sound strange? It does to me too. Why wouldn't the Lord want me to have more children, when my desire is there?</p><p>Because McKeown is actually right. The Lord really doesn't want my life to be unnecessarily hard. Something underlying <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2021/02/the-mysteries-of-revelation.html" target="_blank">all the revelations I've ever received (or not received)</a> about my pregnancies and family planning is that the Lord is completely and utterly aware of how hard my pregnancies are, and He does not want my life to be hard. He is pleased with my righteous desires to raise a family, but He also understands that my body only has so much energy, and I need to conserve that energy for the children I already have, and for the other work I have been called to do in this life. </p><p>I know that my greatest joy and purpose in life will come from my family, and from my role as wife and mother, but I also know I have not been called to run faster than I have strength. I have not been called to raise a large family (or at least, not larger than the family I have now). I have been called to get a PhD, and I need to have mental space and physical energy for that as well.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWODq4Fp-FPbMTyJPk-zRB_0QkIDw02TyBvadh6PeTZxn6y7Y92p2pG_zECpdcdFlXtSp_4KLu6qtB4SLY1lNyVdzz58d3X-hfg3KR2gdTth6JAMApSy_fVgjZ-BpFpUtUUaQlL-oHIp0/s2048/9276cbf8-bc2a-425a-a6f5-57b616e26050.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1638" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWODq4Fp-FPbMTyJPk-zRB_0QkIDw02TyBvadh6PeTZxn6y7Y92p2pG_zECpdcdFlXtSp_4KLu6qtB4SLY1lNyVdzz58d3X-hfg3KR2gdTth6JAMApSy_fVgjZ-BpFpUtUUaQlL-oHIp0/w512-h640/9276cbf8-bc2a-425a-a6f5-57b616e26050.jpg" width="512" /></a></div><p>And I'm meant to have a period of ease. I became pregnant for the first time a little over ten years ago, and this past decade of pregnancy and babies and young children has been exhausting. It's not over yet, I still have a year of nursing ahead of me and one last toddler/pre-school stage to get through, but I see in my future a period of rest. A period where I am more in control of my own sleep, my own schedule, my own energy. I see life getting easier, and that's what the Lord wants for me.</p><p>So here's to being done with pregnancy! I will not miss it. </p><p>But also, here's to the sweetest little newborn ever! All that hard was worth it, a thousand times worth it.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijB81mOkNaah_nDgQTMezsZ6N8iWTG4T5UsAVlhOj6sFqGxhAM2A71ScyTZaOouKWg9NADdvGLSCVnOXTLznlA_X8XVWNA1x1szH4x-EfTOev32RV1m6tvPB_Rshfh5-WykWgJ4d7kvsM/s2048/a8b127b9-507e-4c23-864c-9a4a6c3f3851.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1638" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijB81mOkNaah_nDgQTMezsZ6N8iWTG4T5UsAVlhOj6sFqGxhAM2A71ScyTZaOouKWg9NADdvGLSCVnOXTLznlA_X8XVWNA1x1szH4x-EfTOev32RV1m6tvPB_Rshfh5-WykWgJ4d7kvsM/w512-h640/a8b127b9-507e-4c23-864c-9a4a6c3f3851.jpg" width="512" /></a></div>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-23241328062487128262021-06-03T21:35:00.000-05:002021-06-03T21:35:24.878-05:00Who Wants to Learn More About Shakespeare? A Lecture Video Playlist<p>I taught English 332 this past semester, which at my university is the upper division Shakespeare course. It was an entirely virtual course, but even still, I knew this might be my one and only chance to teach a college-level Shakespeare class, and I poured my heart and soul into this course (as much as my exhausted, sick, pregnant body would allow, that is).</p><p>As a virtual course, here's how it worked. We read seven plays over the course of a14 week semester, so we spent roughly two weeks on each play. Each week my students were required to read half of a play, plus any additional assigned readings (usually the introduction from the textbook, occasionally critical articles or other random things), watch a lecture video (produced by yours truly), post to a discussion board, and participate in one synchronous Zoom discussion. Because we only had one Zoom class a week, and because I really wanted to reserve that time for my students to direct the conversation and talk about what they were interested in, I saved all of my own research or thoughts about the plays for my weekly lecture videos.</p><p>Now, I just want to say that these lecture videos are nothing fancy. I was generally scrambling to stay one week ahead of the class schedule and get them made in time to post. The PowerPoints I use are full of typos, I didn't always have typed out scripts so I'm usually just rambling and spouting off a bunch of ums and ahs (and maybe even incorrect information... don't quote me), I never edited them, only ever did one take and called it good. So from a production (and even academic scholar) standpoint, these are nothing to brag about.</p><p>But that said, I still put a ton of work into these videos every week, and they contain some of my most interesting knowledge/thoughts about each of the plays we studied. I've been thinking how some of my readers here just *might* be interested in some of these videos, might care to know a little bit more about Shakespeare or the plays we studied, and how sad it would be to sort of just let all these videos languish in obscurity. So, considering I own the copyright to all this content, I've decided to go ahead and share them here to allow maybe just a few more people to learn about something I happen to find incredibly interesting (hence why I'm studying Shakespeare for a living).</p><p>Some other caveats about the videos... First, I tried to keep them short, under thirty minutes, which means sometimes I don't go into the detail I wanted to on some of the concepts. Maybe this just makes the videos more appropriate for a general audience? However, on the other hand, I quite often reference the introduction of the specific textbook we used in class (Norton 3rd edition, which is also where all the play quotes come from), and I will often reference the writing assignments the students were working on at the time, or the discussion boards, or other things that were very specific to the students in my course. In other words, I prepared these videos specifically for that class, and not necessarily for a general audience. That said, there's still plenty for a general audience to glean and appreciate from these videos.</p><p>Without further ado, here's the full lecture video playlist! I'd love to hear your thoughts if you end up watching any of these!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/AlbNX0T5xC8" width="320" youtube-src-id="AlbNX0T5xC8"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlbNX0T5xC8">Lecture 1: The "Authentic" Shakespeare</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bGcUkPTzrVM" width="320" youtube-src-id="bGcUkPTzrVM"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGcUkPTzrVM">Lecture 2: Julius Caesar</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/cviV2qSetPA" width="320" youtube-src-id="cviV2qSetPA"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cviV2qSetPA">Lecture 3: Hamlet Acts 1-2</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv5G3vGaKt0" width="320" youtube-src-id="Xv5G3vGaKt0"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xv5G3vGaKt0">Lecture 4: Hamlet Acts 3-5</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YI-v_hEkjes" width="320" youtube-src-id="YI-v_hEkjes"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI-v_hEkjes">Lecture 5: Romeo and Juliet Acts 1-2</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6UmipgmvmJU" width="320" youtube-src-id="6UmipgmvmJU"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UmipgmvmJU" target="_blank">Lecture 6: The Sonnets</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/LeYl1_v09ug" width="320" youtube-src-id="LeYl1_v09ug"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeYl1_v09ug" target="_blank">Lecture 7: Othello Acts 1-2</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/o6q4k3-x7_4" width="320" youtube-src-id="o6q4k3-x7_4"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6q4k3-x7_4" target="_blank">Lecture 8: Othello Acts 3-5</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bOsN7Q0joJM" width="320" youtube-src-id="bOsN7Q0joJM"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOsN7Q0joJM" target="_blank">Lecture 9: Macbeth Acts 1-2</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/HqEAGuLHoBM" width="320" youtube-src-id="HqEAGuLHoBM"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqEAGuLHoBM" target="_blank">Lecture 10: Macbeth Acts 3-5</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xZ9Yhs8xMXk" width="320" youtube-src-id="xZ9Yhs8xMXk"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZ9Yhs8xMXk" target="_blank">Lecture 11: Midsummer Night's Dream Acts 1-2</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uS1pJ7lqSd4" width="320" youtube-src-id="uS1pJ7lqSd4"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS1pJ7lqSd4" target="_blank">Lecture 12: Midsummer Night's Dream Acts 3-5</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wibGdXK9IOA" width="320" youtube-src-id="wibGdXK9IOA"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wibGdXK9IOA" target="_blank">Lecture 13: The Tempest Acts 1-2</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lDvaGFfutSY" width="320" youtube-src-id="lDvaGFfutSY"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDvaGFfutSY" target="_blank">Lecture 14: The Tempest Acts 3-5</a></div>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-30161980753062240352021-02-16T14:38:00.001-06:002023-12-30T11:43:53.789-06:00The Mysteries of Revelation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjGYYNtB0Gva4Ezc0iQKpMiW1nCgjUngCcQX9bwjD8Pcrk3GdYKZPShZhwyQ73g7lKiqK2maDiGgc110d-XzgssWTjhLWqT0fdfkDbcGC1UmOhEeDh01UQCduyjybOmgw9RDzcHvadWPM/s6016/DSC_1980.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6016" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjGYYNtB0Gva4Ezc0iQKpMiW1nCgjUngCcQX9bwjD8Pcrk3GdYKZPShZhwyQ73g7lKiqK2maDiGgc110d-XzgssWTjhLWqT0fdfkDbcGC1UmOhEeDh01UQCduyjybOmgw9RDzcHvadWPM/w640-h426/DSC_1980.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">Personal revelation is and always has been one of the most foundational realities of my life. I was twelve years old the first time I had a spiritual experience that counts as revelatory, and I've continued to have experiences throughout my life that are profound and undeniable. When I pray into the void, there is a voice and a feeling that speaks back to me, and I have lived my life trying to seek, follow, and stay true to that voice. I believe it is God.</span></div><p>Why did I marry my husband? Because that voice told me to not go on a mission but stay home and get married. Why do we live where we live? Because that voice told me to get a PhD, and guided me in where to apply. Why do I practice my religion despite doubts and questions? Because that voice confirms that this is the path for me.</p><p>I've written before at various times about how revelation has guided my life (<a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2016/08/my-career-path-part-2-divine.html" target="_blank">here</a>, and <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2017/08/permission-to-want-it.html" target="_blank">here</a> and some other places too). In the case of my decision to get a PhD, the voice and revelation were loud, clear, and incredibly direct. The path opened before me and I was certain about the revelation I received.</p><p>But my revelation and guidance hasn't always been that clear, and I think those moments are worth exploring and thinking about too. Sometimes, I don't always know what I'm supposed to do, sometimes the promptings or impressions are confusing and unclear, or sometimes, I just don't understand.</p><p>One time revelation didn't come the way I expected was after marriage, when we faced the question of when to have children. Everyone around us was getting pregnant, and I'll admit that I was fairly baby-hungry myself, but my husband wanted us to wait. Of course, I just knew the Lord would have an opinion on the subject (an opinion that would override my husband's opinion), and so I prayed fervently about wanting a baby, wanting to know when we should start trying, etc... and I got nothing. Zero. Not a flicker of response. Complete heavenly silence. It almost felt like the Lord didn't care if we had kids or not.</p><p>This made zero sense to me. How could the Lord not care about us having children? Wasn't that the point of marriage? Weren't we supposed to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth? Weren't children the point? I'd heard so many stories from so many women in my life about the strong impressions they had when they were supposed to have children, the number of children they were supposed to have, even strong impressions about the gender and birthdays of the children they were going to have. The Lord seemed to care deeply about other couples having children, why didn't he care about us?</p><p>We eventually got pregnant three years into our marriage (a compromise, two years later than I wanted, two years earlier than my husband wanted) without any sort of revelatory okay. We just went for it, and got pregnant on the first try, and considered that enough of a heavenly stamp of approval.</p><p>Pregnancies two and three proceeded in a similar manner. We would make a plan based on our own convenience and desires, I'd pray about it, and get no response. No confirmation, no denial, nothing. No feedback whatsoever. So we'd just go ahead, and always get pregnant on the first try, and assume the Lord was okay with our choices.</p><p>Through these child-bearing years, what I was getting strong and clear revelation about was my education. I received very clear affirmative impressions to get a master's degree, and then later received the strongest and clearest revelation of my life about getting a PhD. I was so confused by these revelations, because I just didn't see how me getting a PhD would fit in with our family planning, and with my vision of the kind of mother I thought I was going to be. We knew we wanted Baby #3 (who was not yet conceived when I started getting revelations about a PhD), and we knew we also wanted a Baby #4 at some point. How was that going to work with a PhD?</p><p>I decided to take a year off after graduating with my master's before starting a PhD program, and have Baby #3 that year. When I prayed about this decision, I got, again, zero feedback. The Lord wasn't saying no, but there was no positive affirmation either. So we just went for it, and I started my PhD program with an 8 month old baby. It was rough. That first year, I did not get a lot of sleep. I was tired and stressed all the time. The second year was pretty busy as well. By the third year, when I finished my course-work and began looking ahead to my dissertation phase, my husband and I started talking about Baby #4 again. We knew we wanted a fourth baby, and with our youngest now three years old, we felt like we didn't want the age gap to get much bigger.</p><p>I went to the temple one night in late November 2019 (ah, back when temples were open), and I presented our plan to the Lord. We would try to get pregnant the following year, aim for an August (2020) conception so I could deliver May (2021) and have the summer for maternity leave, then be ready by the fall to finish my program. I prayed and prayed, and then stopped to listen, and the voice that spoke back to me said:</p><p>"Your research is very important to me. Your dissertation is very important. That is the work I have called you to. Don't get distracted from your research."</p><p>Guys, I was dumbfounded. I research the reading practices of audiences in early modern England. I find my research to be fascinating and fulfilling, but nothing about it is important. Nothing about it is going to save lives or cure cancer or make the world better (okay, I mean, yes it can, but you know what I mean). I have never understood why the Lord wanted me to get a PhD in the first place, but hearing the voice tell me my research was my calling in life? The one thing I was supposed to be doing? When what I was asking for was confirmation about having another child? I just don't understand. I don't understand at all.</p><p>So I pushed back and I said, "Okay, if I promise to not get distracted and work really hard on my dissertation, can we get pregnant next year?"</p><p>And the answer was, "Well, if you really want, then go ahead. But it won't be easy."</p><p>I just. I just don't even know what to do with this revelation. This feeling that the Lord sincerely does not care one way or the other if I have children, or how many, or when, but He cares deeply that I write a fairly average dissertation (that no one will ever read) about early modern reading audiences. These are the moments that I wonder, am I just making all this up in my head? Do I really know what revelation is? Because this does not seem to follow the pattern of what I expect God to care about for me!</p><p>So now, let's fast forward to last summer. I'm gearing up for August when we plan to conceive (and remember, we have a 100% track record for getting pregnant on the first try, so we are very confident in our ability to plan this out). And I keep hearing whispers, "Get to work on your dissertation! Get started!" But it's a busy summer and I have a different writing project deadline (a book chapter that's getting published this year! eek!), and I think, once the semester starts I'll have plenty of time to start my dissertation.</p><p>Imagine my surprise when the end of August came and my period started. Despite all our usual efforts, I didn't get pregnant. It was a setback, a disappointment, and unexpected given our track record, but it was okay. We could get pregnant in September and still have most the summer for maternity leave, and it would still work. But of course, I went to the Lord to check in. I knelt down the night I started bleeding, and plead, "Can we have our baby?" And the answer was:</p><p>"If you write the first chapter of your dissertation in September, I will let you get pregnant."</p><p>Okay! Right! Dissertation chapter first, then baby! I was figuring this out, I could remember that old promise that I wouldn't get distracted from my research. If I'd wanted to get pregnant in August, I should've listened to those promptings to work on my dissertation over the summer! So I dove in. I got really really focused, blocked out all distractions (didn't check Instagram once!) and I spent September doing really deep work, writing as much as I possibly could. I knocked out a good 16 pages of that first chapter, which for one month's work is quite a bit. So the chapter wasn't finished, so what? I knew the Lord would accept my good faith effort and I just knew I was going to be pregnant. Five weeks passed without a period, and I just knew.</p><p>I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. The next day (five weeks and one day), I started bleeding.</p><p>I've got to say I was pretty shaken by this. I was shaken in my faith of my body, my faith in our fertility (were we getting old?), but mostly, my faith was shaken in the revelation I thought I had received. I thought the promise was I'd get pregnant in September if I wrote the first chapter, and I had (at least, mostly, but was the Lord really that much of a stickler?). Why didn't the Lord fulfill His promise?</p><p>I had this sneaking suspicion that the Lord didn't want me to get pregnant at all, that He was actively preventing it so I could focus on my dissertation. I didn't know this was true for sure, I was just trying desperately to make sense of my situation. So, the Lord didn't want me to get pregnant. Okay. So that was that. We'd enjoy our three children, I'd throw my heart and soul into this dissertation, and we'd go on living our merry lives. We wouldn't go back on birth control, but we'd also not anticipate it anymore. I really thought, it must not be the Lord's will. So be it.</p><p>I continued to work on my chapter, but the pace slowed a bit. I restructured the whole thing and tweaked it, and then actually started research for my second chapter. And I was still teaching, planning online curriculum, grading papers, and keeping very busy. We had a lovely October, and I found myself thinking "It's so nice I can enjoy this soup! If I were pregnant, I wouldn't be enjoying it!" Silver linings and all. I'm fairly good at finding positives in any situation.</p><p>November came. I was tired. I kept going to bed at 8:30, then 8:00 PM, as soon as the kids were down. I was hungry. I'd eat everything I'd bring in my lunch and then feel like I was starving a half-hour later. My pants started to feel tight. I blamed PMS. Every single one of these symptoms could be PMS. Five weeks came and went. Finally, one night when tuna sandwiches was on the meal plan menu for dinner, I turned to my husband and said, "I can't eat tuna. I have to make something else." And he said, "Um, you need to take a pregnancy test."</p><p>I didn't think I was pregnant. I thought my cruel period was just late again. I really didn't think the Lord wanted me to get pregnant. But my husband ran to the store and grabbed a pregnancy test, and I took one before dinner, and it was positive. I sat and stared for a moment in wonder. I was pregnant. We were getting our Baby #4.</p><p>My due date is July 8th, later than we planned, but still with a passable period for maternity leave before I will need to return to teaching and dissertation writing in the Fall. It will work. I immediately started feeling very sick, but in the course of small mercies it was close enough to the end of the semester that I was able to power through. I finished grading papers, and I managed to write the last 2,000 words of my chapter and submit it to my advisor by the end of the semester. And then I collapsed into bed and didn't get out of it for weeks. Thanks to the pandemic (and a much more humane in-house job), my husband was around to take care of everything, from cooking all the meals and cleaning up all the messes, to setting up the decorations and spear-heading all the holiday festivities single-handedly. So I just laid in bed, fighting to keep food in my stomach, and overthinking about my situation.</p><p>I wonder so much about those revelations I received, and the timing of everything. I know I felt like the Lord promised I would get pregnant in September, but maybe He didn't specify a month? After all, is it that much of a difference that I got pregnant in October?</p><p>And also, maybe the Lord really did want me to get pregnant, really does want us to have this baby, He was just waiting for the right time when I could be sick over the winter break (and still able to get my research done). Maybe the Lord doesn't need to give me promptings and revelations about having children, because my desires already align with His will on that front?</p><p>Basically, the question I ask is, do I trust that voice I hear? Even when it doesn't seem to play out exactly the way I thought I heard that voice? Or even when I don't understand the logic of the voice? When I don't understand why my research is so important and my family planning isn't? Do I trust that voice?</p><p>Revelation may not be a science experiment with exactly repeatable outcomes. Revelation may not always make sense. I've been thinking about this a lot as we've been studying the Doctrine and Covenants this year, as that book is nothing but a collection of revelations. We believe those revelations to be the word of God, but when I read through some of those revelations I have to wonder, "Why didn't the Lord just explain it all then? Why did the Lord make this one so confusing? Why was this one so perfectly clear, when this other one takes mental gymnastics to make sense of?" It seems to me that revelation is sometimes a bit messy and mysterious, the voice of a Perfect Being trying to speak to imperfect humans who are full of biases and opinions and emotions and hormones, using human language that is changeable and corruptible, and who knows how clearly that message is getting through?</p><p>We are like antenna, radio receivers. Sometimes the message comes through clearly, but if we are just the slightest bit off, it becomes garbled. We may tweak and tune and dance about to get the signal, but sometimes it's more artform, less science. Some people get one answer, some seem to get opposite answers, sometimes it feels crystal clear, other times it's through a glass darkly. Does that mean revelation is not reliable?</p><p>Do I trust that voice?</p><p>In the end, I always come back to yes. Sometimes it's not what I expect, sometimes it doesn't make sense, sometimes there seems to be no answer whatsoever. But there are those rare moments, when I'm in just the right position, that voice sings through me, and I know. For all the less clear moments, I can't deny the perfect ones. God speaks to me, and I will always, always listen.</p>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-51930921325975795992021-01-18T21:18:00.005-06:002023-12-30T11:51:45.036-06:00Processing Some Grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwnjHKmZU8ziqwZScdUBgvT1KGtk6iQyPxoZvaNiAAdPuLtF6MSSsmK_QasjgWr0kIOyOSJ7Udw1ZIEhsxlO6SdmL06-GYvjbH8uyK2SLikbBfwUTA3GlQya_KfDtRM7kA1YniEpmpzg0/s2048/W081.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwnjHKmZU8ziqwZScdUBgvT1KGtk6iQyPxoZvaNiAAdPuLtF6MSSsmK_QasjgWr0kIOyOSJ7Udw1ZIEhsxlO6SdmL06-GYvjbH8uyK2SLikbBfwUTA3GlQya_KfDtRM7kA1YniEpmpzg0/w640-h426/W081.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>Yesterday morning, I had two living grandparents. This evening, I have no living grandparents.</p><p>Apologies if that is a bit of downer way to forge back into this blog space that I've been absent from for almost half a year now, but of all the things I have to say, that is the one I need to say the loudest right now.</p><p>It was such an unintentional blogging break. At first I stayed away because things were busy, and I had other writing projects that needed my full attention. Then I stayed away because I got pregnant, and as has been the pattern, proceeded to get even sicker than any pregnancy before. I've been in survival mode for the past two months, honestly just trying to stay alive. So that explains some of the more immediate reasons for my absence.</p><p>But then there's the bigger picture. The weight of what we've all been experiencing these past months, these past weeks, and for me, these past two days. There's the protests and heated discussions around racial prejudice and police brutality (I did write a bit about that <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2020/06/on-teaching-lovecraft-in-age-of-george.html">here</a>). There's the election, the politics, the vitriol and hate being spread everywhere. There was that horrifying day on January sixth, when a sitting president goaded extremists to attack democracy. There's so much in all of this, so much that needs to be said, so much I want to add my voice to... but I'm just tired. And sick. Not an excuse, I just have to pick my battles, and right now, the battle is keeping food down in my stomach and not wretched up in the toilet (a battle I'm still losing all too frequently, despite being fifteen weeks along).</p><p>And then there's the pandemic. Remember <a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/blog/post/edit/8559247687312084765/275809583147382804">this post</a>, when I wrote about thriving under quarantine conditions? I've not minded this year the way many have. I'm an introvert at heart, and having the excuse to stay home, to not have people over, to not have to go to that social engagement... it's been a reprieve. Also, I must say being first-trimester pregnant in a pandemic has been nothing short of a blessing, with no expectations to be anywhere or show up or look good.</p><p>But last week my grandparents contracted Covid-19. My grandmother had already been ill for a while. She's been on hospice since last June, and when we went to Utah in July, we visited them knowing it was probably the last time we'd see her alive (honestly, we've all been a little surprised she was hanging on this long). But my grandfather, at 93, was healthy and spry, still able to fully care for my grandmother and himself. Longevity runs in his family (his older brother is still kicking at 96), and I anticipated many more years of his presence. I anticipated him meeting this last child of mine, somewhere in a Covid-free future.</p><p>But then he got the virus, and they admitted him to the hospital. Eventually, his lungs and heart began failing, and they sent him home Saturday. He passed away Sunday around noon. Amazingly, my grandmother survived him, but only by 23 hours. She passed away earlier today.</p><p>And this is how I will remember the pandemic now. Not as a theoretical disease that everyone is overreacting about, not as a problem that "other people" are dealing with, not even as that funny little disease my brother got one time that made him lose his taste for a few weeks.</p><p>Now it's the disease that took my grandparents.</p><p>Yes, they were old. Yes, my grandmother was going to die anyway. But I'm still so terribly sad about it.</p><p>And happy. They wanted to go. They were ready. My grandpa didn't want to watch another wife die (he lost his first wife to complications of MS when she was 29), he didn't want to live alone. And my grandma clung to life because, I'm sure, she didn't want to leave him. In a way, it's beautiful they got to go together. Devastating, but beautiful.</p><p>I didn't intend for this post to be a tribute to my grandparents. I intended to pop on here and say, Hi! I've missed this space! I have so many books to talk about!</p><p>But I'm in the middle of my grief, and these are the words that are coming right now. Perhaps I'm back here because I need to write, not about books (not yet, I'll get around to that), but about my grandpa.</p><p>My grandpa was named Milton E. Smith. He was the youngest son of Joseph Fielding Smith, the grandson of Joseph F. Smith, the great-grandson of Hyrum Smith. When we visited with him in July, he looked at my son Josh and said, "Your relationship with me is the same as my relationship with Hyrum Smith." And that's what my grandpa is, a link to this incredible heritage, this incredible family history we share.</p><p>I love the stories my Dad tells about having a prophet for a grandfather. He once dropped by his grandpa's home with a friend while in Salt Lake City, and they were warmly greeted by Aunt Jesse and invited to sit at the kitchen table and chat for a minute. After leaving, my Dad's friend exclaimed, "I can't believe it! There he was, the prophet of the church, just sitting at the table cracking peanuts! Like a normal person!" And my Dad was like, "Well, of course he's a normal person. He's just Grandpa."</p><p>But I love the stories my grandpa used to tell, of Joseph Fielding sneaking out of meetings to go to his son's football games (my grandpa was quarterback for the University of Utah, back in the day), or the letters they used to get while in the military or on missions that were like sermons, full of scripture and counsel. My grandpa loved to share how when he was in the Navy, stationed in Chicago, he wrote home to tell the family about going to see a Chicago Bears game. Joseph Fielding, knowing the games were played on Sundays, wrote back to my grandpa a two page letter outlining the ten commandments and stressing the importance of keeping the Sabbath day holy. That letter lives in family lore.</p><p>But my grandpa himself was a great man. He loved his family fiercely. He kept detailed records of all his children, grandchildren, and great-children, and especially our addresses so he could send, without fail every year, a birthday card with a crisp $10 bill tucked inside. Every year. For every grand-child and great-grandchild. He never missed, not even this last year as he took care of my failing grandmother (he enlisted some help at the end). My last communication with my grandpa was an email a few weeks ago that he sent explaining that the card for my oldest son's birthday would be late, as it had been accidentally sent to the wrong address at first. I guess he did miss, because he never sent a card for my daughter's birthday that happened just five days later, but I can hardly fault him.</p><p> I will miss those cards from him every year.</p><p>When I turned eight, he traveled down to St. George for my baptism. I remember, after I was confirmed a member of the church, standing and shaking the hands of all the men in my circle. When I got to my grandfather, he refused to shake my hand and instead declared, "This deserves a hug!" before sweeping me up into a big bear hug. He was a man generous with his hugs.</p><p>My grandpa was a temple sealer, and I was privileged to have him officiate my own wedding at the Mount Timpanogos Temple. The chandeliers in the sealing rooms have a very distinctive pattern, a cross with four crystals on the bottom, and branching crosses of eight, sixteen, and so on crystals as it moved up each level. As I held hands with my soon-to-be husband across the altar, my grandpa gave a speech that I'm sure he delivered to most the couples he sealed in that room, about how we were two hands being linked that day, but above us in that chandelier symbolized all the generations before us who were also linked by the sealing power, four parents, eight grandparents, sixteen great-grandparents, and so on. Only this time, for my wedding, he could name many of the links for my side. He was one of them.</p><p>How grateful I am to be eternally sealed to my grandparents! To be eternally sealed to the incredible legacy of family before him. I cherish my heritage so much. And so, while I will miss my grandparents terribly, I know I will see them again.</p><p>And if none of you read through all of that tribute, those precious memories of mine, that's fine. This post is for me anyway. But I've got so many more things I want to write about, so many good books to talk about, so much to catch up on. I have no guarantees or promises that there will be time (I'm still pretty sick, still busy with this little thing called writing a dissertation, still teaching, still raising three kids and trying to keep a marriage alive), but I will always come back here. I've missed you. I'll be back.</p>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-20931342922094183452020-07-01T17:09:00.000-05:002020-07-01T17:09:34.486-05:00Books I Read in JuneOkay, this is going to be a long one, because I just counted and holy cow, I read 18 books in June! I think that ties my previous record from last July, but I'm still impressed! I mean, I was hoping that my summer schedule would open up some good reading time, but I wasn't quite expecting to make this much headway. This brings my total number of books read this year to 53. My goal for the whole year is 100, so I am now officially ahead of schedule, which feels a bit like a miracle considering how behind I got after losing my commute to quarantine. Anyway, this means there are a lot of books to talk about, and I had a really broad mix of fluff and serious stuff, so let's jump in.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43925876-the-giver-of-stars">The Giver of Stars </a></i>by Jojo Moyes<br />
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After reading <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40914165-the-book-woman-of-troublesome-creek">The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek</a></i> last December, I was not excited to jump into *another* book about the packhorse librarian women of Great Depression Kentucky (sometimes themes come in floods). But this one was also getting high recommends from some trusted sources, and I was interested in giving Moyes another shot, so I read it... and honestly this might be my favorite Moyes book (I doubt that's a universal opinion). So yes, I liked it. I don't know if I liked it better than <i>Book Woman</i>, they are similar but different and I generally recommend them both, especially if you enjoy historical fiction with strong female characters.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33224061-the-downstairs-girl"><i>The Downstairs Girl</i> </a>by Stacey Lee<br />
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This was another historical fiction with a strong female lead, but this time about the plight of Chinese-Americans in a still very racist turn of the 19th-Century Atlanta Georgia (I had no idea that Chinese were not legally allowed to live anywhere, crazy!). First, I want to say this is YA, and feels like it. Second, I found the ending (and maybe the story in general) to be far too optimistic and sweet to be realistic. But there were several things I loved, foremost of which were the Miss Sweetey articles (the main character free-lances as an anonymous advice columnist), which I thought were delightful. If you enjoy sweet YA that attempts to address serious themes, this is a general recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41150382-things-you-save-in-a-fire">Things You Save in a Fire</a></i> by Katherine Center<br />
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A tough female fire-fighter just trying to make it in a very patriarchal profession, plus deal with the trauma of her past, falls in love with the cute new rookie, which is absolutely the last thing she needs to deal with. Despite the fact that I have almost nothing in common with this main character, I rather enjoyed this fluffy-with-just-a-touch-of-serious romance. Also, learned a bit about fire departments.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45754981-the-glass-hotel">The Glass Hotel</a></i> by Emily St. John Mandel<br />
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I absolutely adored Mandel's book <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20170404-station-eleven">Station Eleven</a></i>, and I've been meaning to read more of her since then... but this one was a complete disappointment. I mean, her writing is still beautiful at the sentence level, but the plot structure here was essentially nonexistent, with no real characters to connect with or root for. The ghost thing was too unexplained for my tastes. Some of the bits about the Ponzi scheme were kind of interesting, the moral dilemmas there, but mostly, this book was utterly forgettable. Don't bother.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45553638-tightrope">Tightrope</a></i> by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn<br />
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This book is by the same authors as <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6260997-half-the-sky">Half the Sky</a></i>, a book I found to be a very important read for me about global feminist issues. The topic they tackle here is poverty in America, and it is just as important, if no less pleasant to read about. I highly recommend this to everyone, we need to be educated on these issues, because I feel like poverty in America is often far too invisible (I certainly don't see it). Honestly, the picture they portray here is of an America that is slipping in places backwards into second and even third-world territory, and we need to do something about it. I have several complaints about the book. I don't necessarily agree with every solution they put forward, and I was also disappointed that they didn't address race and poverty as intersectional issues (in that, they didn't acknowledge that poverty affects BIPOC Americans differently than white Americans), so this isn't perfect, but this is important.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7165300-the-black-prism">The Black Prism</a></i> by Brent Weeks<br />
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Fun new fantasy series recommended by my husband. Reminded me a bit of Brandon Sanderson. If you like epic fantasy, I recommend (though I've only read one book, waiting on the second one, and apparently there are four or five books in the series, so we'll see...).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25893582-tell-me-three-things">Tell Me Three Things</a> </i>by Julie Buxbaum<br />
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A nice little You've Got Mail-vibes YA story about the new girl at an elite private school who starts receiving anonymous emails from a fellow student giving her pointers about how to survive. It was decently clean from what I can remember, and cute, but nothing super special.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45045129-tweet-cute">Tweet Cute</a></i> by Emma Lord<br />
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In a random coincidence completely unsought by myself, the very next book that happened to come off my holds list was <i>another</i> You've Got Mail YA riff about secret anonymous pen pals at an elite private school. This one also involves a snarky Twitter war and some epically bad parenting, and I quite enjoyed it, probably more than the first? All I know is that "Secret Pen Pals at Elite Private Schools YA RomCom" is now a list I have two titles for.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24974996-dear-martin">Dear Martin</a></i> by Nic Stone<br />
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I talk about this one more on the list at the end of this post, but this is a short YA novel that packs a punch and manages to cover a lot of the big issues/arguments around race in America today. Language warning, but it's a general recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43848929-talking-to-strangers">Talking to Strangers</a> </i>by Malcolm Gladwell<br />
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Look, there are problems with all of Gladwell's books, and this is no different. There are flaws in his reasoning and arguments. That said, he discusses some really pertinent ideas in this book that have to do with current events and issues. His mapping of the history of police department practices was fascinating in consideration of recent calls to defund the police, and I'm still thinking hard about his chapter on alcohol and rape (especially after reading <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/50196744-know-my-name?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=CzIh9P2PJm&rank=1">Know My Name</a></i>). In essence, lots of good interesting stuff to think about here, and I highly recommend (also, need to throw a plug in for the audio book, which is produced much more like a podcast, with actual sound bytes from interviews and news stories and music, it's fantastic!)<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49610273-simon-the-fiddler"><i>Simon the Fiddler</i> </a>by Paulette Jiles<br />
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Despite ticking many of my boxes (beautiful writing, slow character-driven novel, historical fiction), this one didn't quite hit for me. I think other people who value slower literary novels may potentially really like this one, it just wasn't for me at this particular point. Also listened to this one, and I must say the production team on this audio book missed a real opportunity to add clips of all the music mentioned in the book (seriously would've been so fantastic if they had done that). Anyway, I want to try another Jiles book, because I have a feeling a different story from her might really work for me.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8909152-attachments">Attachments</a></i> by Rainbow Rowell<br />
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I've been meaning to read this one for a while, but there's no audio version! (At least, not from any of my library sources.) So I finally got a paper copy, and breezed through it in an evening. It's light and fluffy, but seriously good writing and super enjoyable, my favorite Rowell by far.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/77295.Gift_from_the_Sea">Gift From the Sea</a></i> by Anne Morrow Lindbergh<br />
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Another book I've been meaning to read for ages but could not get on audio. But you guys! Five stars! Beautiful! Spoke directly to my inner soul! Essays on motherhood/wifehood, solitude, simplicity, living a balanced life... lovely, impactful writing. I want to own this and reread every year. I can't believe it was written in 1955, it still felt so incredibly relevant. Highly recommend!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42074525-the-city-we-became">The City We Became</a></i> by N.K. Jemisin<br />
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Look, if you don't like sci-fi/fantasy, stay away from this one, and even if you do, you still might not like this one. Jemisin is just very, very different, but I'm totally intrigued by her creative world-building, even if I can't decide if I actually like her stories (and language warnings galore). This one takes a lot of effort to describe (cities are alive, they have avatars that are people, another dimension is attacking, New York is being "born"... yes, it's weird), but I will say that it was fascinating to read this after teaching H.P. Lovecraft this past semester, because Jemisin basically writes a response/reversal of the Lovecraftian racist mythos, and it was really interesting. I also learned a whole lot about New York. Oh, and major props to the audio book production team, because they went above and beyond to make a unique experience audio book (with sound mixing, etc.) that really fit the story well (though it might bother some people).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43204703-a-curse-so-dark-and-lonely">A Curse so Dark and Lonely</a></i> by Brigid Kemmerer<br />
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So this is a <i>Beauty and the Beast </i>retelling, and you know how much I enjoy a good fair-tale retelling. I wouldn't say this one is incredible or a must read, but I certainly enjoyed it enough I'll continue on with the series (trilogy, of course). It's YA and fairly clean and full of action, generally recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/50089336-code-name-h-l-ne">Code Name Helene</a> </i>by Ariel Lawhon<br />
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Yes, WWII books are so overdone and I was totally turned off by how similar this title is to <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11925514-code-name-verity?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=F8Mc7ISz35&rank=1">Code Name Verity</a></i>, but do you know what got me with this one? It's a true story! I mean, it's written like a novel and takes some licence, but it is heavily researched and based on a real woman's life, Nancy Wake, who was the most highly decorated female spy working for the British SEO in France with the resistance. Her life is incredible! I probably never would've been friends with her in real life, but she is one heck of a character, that's for sure! I really want to read her actual biography now, but it's out of print and available nowhere. In general, I completely recommend, just don't look her up on Wikipedia and spoil the ending for yourself (or do, so you are emotionally prepared). The back-and-forth plot structure in this book is annoying, but otherwise a fascinating read.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3227063-the-way-of-shadows">The Way of Shadows</a> </i>by Brent Weeks<br />
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While I'm waiting for Book 2 of the Black Prism series to come off the holds list, I decided to jump into one of Weeks earlier trilogies. It's about an assassin's apprentice (I've seen that trope before) and was quite dark and violent, not quite as good as the other series, but good enough I'll continue with this series too. Love fantasy that does politics too.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36478784-the-flatshare"><i>The Flat Share</i> </a>by Beth O'Leary<br />
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What's summer for if not to read a bunch of fluffy Rom Coms? And if you prefer yours with a touch of substance (in this case, emotional abuse and trauma), then this is the perfect book for you. I enjoyed it.<br />
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Okay, whew, that was a lot of books for one month. Typing all that up, I can't believe I fit all of that reading in! Clearly, this is shaping up to be a great summer of reading (although all my social justice/racism books are starting to come in, which means my July reading might look quite a bit less fluffy). How's your summer reading coming?<br />
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Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-77327508579164316892020-06-25T16:33:00.001-05:002020-06-25T16:33:40.710-05:00The Magic of WritingWe were all born and raised in a literate society, meaning that most of us, even the most illiterate of us, have been so surrounded by written words, texts, and acts of reading since we were babies that we never stop and think twice about what a strange phenomena the technology of writing actually is.<br />
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Language, for most of human history, has been a strictly oral thing. <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/john_mcwhorter_txtng_is_killing_language_jk/transcript?language=en#t-86623">According to linguist John McWhorter</a>, people have been speaking for at least 80,000 years, but we've only been writing for fewer than 6,000 years. And this makes sense if you think about it. Language evolved as speech, sounds coming from human throats, heard by human hears, with words invented in human brains. For most of human history, language has been located entirely within the human body, and communication could only happen with those physically close enough for the sounds produced by one body to be heard by another body.<br />
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When you stop and really think about it, it seems like quite a remarkable jump to consider the idea that sounds coming out of human mouths could be correlated to scratches of lines on clay tablets. It's not an entirely logical leap, really, this idea of writing. How did someone get the idea that a symbol on a page could represent a spoken sound?<br />
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Well, it perhaps makes a little sense, if you think in terms of pictographic writing, or writing where the symbol for a bird looks like a bird. That kind of writing makes sense as soon as humans get any sort of ideas about drawing, about visually recreating things they see in the real world. The problem is that pictographic writing is incredibly limited. How do you draw abstract words and ideas?<br />
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Well, humans solved that problem too by developing partly pictographic words, partly symbolic images for words that didn't have an image to associate with it. Thus we get hieroglyphs and other symbol based languages, but the real leap, the real incredible jump, was when someone decided that we didn't need a picture for every discreet word. Instead we could have a symbol for every sound, and thus we get the phonetic alphabet.<br />
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We are inundated with this phonetic alphabet from the time we are so little that it feels too familiar, too childish, too simple to think twice about, until you try to teach a child to read and realize, well now, yes, why exactly does the symbol "A" represent both "ah" and "a" sounds? Who decided we could give visual symbols to spoken sounds? It's quite remarkable, really, if you stop to think about it.<br />
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What spoken language is in the first place is a verbal symbol representing the thing named, but that makes phonetic writing a symbol of a symbol. It is a visual symbol of a verbal symbol, twice removed from the actual object or idea or sentiment being expressed. And yet we can see thousands of those symbols typed out here in this blog post and process these symbols of symbols with no more difficulty than if we were hearing the words spoken aloud (unless of course, you happen to have a form of dyslexia, or a brain where processing all these written symbols reveals what an actually complex task it really is; the prevelance of dyslexia just serves to prove that writing is NOT natural for every human brain, because it hasn't been around long enough for all of us to adapt to it).<br />
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In our literate society today, we love our written words. We practically drown in written words. They are not just in our books, but draped all over our signs, our machines, our walls, our food containers. We spend most of our day scrolling through written words on the tiny screens in our pockets. In many cases, we even prioritize the written word over the spoken, from the casual preference of texting over speaking on the phone, to the legal preference for a written and signed contract over a verbal promise.<br />
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But it didn't always use to be this way. Back when writing was still an infant technology and most societies still operated under the forms of oral culture, some of the world's greatest minds viewed writing with suspicion and distrust. Socrates abhorred writing, believing it would destroy our need for memory (a fair criticism) and even our ability to gain and process knowledge. He didn't understand how a man could claim to be learned if he stored all the information of his learning outside his body, and couldn't just recall facts but had to look them up in books. Ironically, we only know about Socrates' negative views on writing because his student, Plato, wrote them down, thus preserving them for future generations, but Socrates was not the only great teacher to never write his own words. Christ himself left nary an iota of written record, though we know he could both read and write (I think about this often, and often wonder why, but it's topic for a different post).<br />
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I believe there are lessons to be learned from considering this, things we have lost from the oral cultures of yesteryear that are important. We must never forget that humans evolved precisely for spoken language, with our tongues and vocal chords and our ears and our brains. Writing merely borrows from the parts of our brain designed specifically for spoken language, and I believe there are great advantages to paying attention to the importance of spoken word, and listening to spoken words.<br />
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And yet, and yet, I would not give up the technology of writing for the world.<br />
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As much as I know the human brain in general evolved for verbal language, my own particular brain has been so shaped by writing that I don't know how to function without it. I don't know what I know until I write it. I don't understand my own emotions until I write them. I have no sense of identity, of personhood, until I write my own story and figure it out. I don't know what I want to say unless I figure it out in writing first. I am at best average at speaking in the moment. At worst, I find myself tongue tied and tripping, unable to recall even simple names or facts, unable to express complex opinions. But if I go to paper (or more often now, the keyboard) and hash it out, tell the story over, sort through the complex ideas... that's when the magic happens. I come to understand. I figure life out, myself out, the world out. I learn through writing. I think through writing.<br />
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Maybe Socrates is right. Maybe I could still do all of these things if I just had to rely on speech and rhetoric and memory, if I'd been raised in an oral culture. But also, maybe there's a reason writing has taken over the world. Maybe we really can do all these things better not just because we can store our words outside our body, but because the physical and psychological process of writing actually forces our brains to think more completely or more clearly, or at the very least differently than we think when we merely speak words aloud.<br />
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Whatever it is, something about writing is magic.<br />
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And that shows up in our magic stories as well. Perhaps stories about spoken magic words are more common than stories about written magic power, but the power of language in general seems to transcend medium. Historically, spells and charms were written on scraps of paper and worn in amulets, or even ingested. Runes and symbols of magic have been carved over tombs and inscribed over doorways or gates. It's perhaps not the most common trope in magic systems, but I love it when writing is given the power to change the world. Here are two books I love that use writing as an actually magical power:<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13578175-the-emperor-s-soul">The Emperor's Soul</a></i> by Brandon Sanderson<br />
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This is the one I chose to teach in the "Magic Writing" unit of my course this past semester. We actually spent part of our discussion arguing about whether what forgers do count as "writing," but in the end, most of my students agreed that, like Chinese calligraphy, it was definitely a form of writing. This one is probably still my favorite Sanderson piece, possibly because I love this magic system so much, and the power given to writing to change the physical world.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43521657-the-ten-thousand-doors-of-january">The Ten Thousand Doors of January</a></i> by Alix E. Harrow<br />
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I think I loved this book simply because the magic system was exactly this: the power of writing to create reality. It can't just be said, it has to be written. I mean, it's also a fun action/adventure story with romance and new worlds and evil secret organizations trying to destroy everything, but mostly, I love it for the magic system. It's just my thing.<br />
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I know there are others out there that I haven't read (I've heard <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28194.Inkheart?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=29RM3H3dZB&rank=1">Inkheart</a> </i>has a bit of this kind of magic system?), but I'd love to read some more. Do you know of any books where the magic system specifically involves writing to enact power? Please share!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-3154493482344314762020-06-17T15:43:00.001-05:002020-06-17T15:43:22.106-05:00Books I Read in MayWell, yes, definitely behind here on these updates, but they're more for my personal benefit than yours, right? May started off rough with end of the semester craziness, then I got sick somehow (even after being in quarantine, only trips to the grocery store! So baffling (not to mention frustrating)! I got tested, negative for flu and Covid19, so no idea what it was, but it took me out for almost a week). But the second half of the month we started settling down into a nice summer pattern, which included a lot more time for reading/listening to audio books, and maxing out my library holds now that my local branch opened for pick-up! Anyway, I read some interesting stuff last month, so let's talk about them!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41795733-range">Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World</a></i> by David Epstein<br />
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I picked this one up after reading <a href="http://www.sunlitpages.com/2020/04/range-why-generalists-triumph-in-world.html">Amy's intriguing review</a>, and found it super interesting. I've been in academia long enough to become incredibly frustrated by the specialization idealized there (seriously, I can't even write about Shakespeare and Austen in the same paper, because they belong to two different literary time periods, ugh!). Epstein manages to walk a fine line of not overly falling into the same trap as other pop psychology authors (like Gladwell) who narrowly focus on their own argument as the end-all be-all to the exclusion of other ideas--Epstein at least acknowledges there are some fields where specialization is preferred (like being a world class chess champion)--but in general I agree that interest across a wide range of fields is a very positive thing. In brief, I enjoyed this and generally recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39507318-the-library-book">The Library Book</a></i> by Susan Orlean<br />
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I wanted to like this book so much. I mean, it's about libraries! Book love! Fascinating tidbits of historical detail mixed in with the overall narrative of the Los Angeles Public Library system! It seems right up my ally! Alas, Orlean didn't quite deliver. I feel like in the hands of a different author, this could've been so much better. As it was, the most interesting part of the book was learning about the inaccurate science of arson investigation. In general, I suppose I still recommend to all my bibliophiles and library lovers out there, there are plenty of interesting details in here. Just don't expect to be wowed.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43521657-the-ten-thousand-doors-of-january">The Ten Thousand Doors of January</a></i> by Alix E. Harrow<br />
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I loved this book. It wasn't exactly perfect (I think if this book could get together and have a love child with <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43575115-the-starless-sea?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=0ZHklDXRZL&rank=1">The Starless Sea</a></i>, then I might find the magic book-lover story of my dreams), but still, if you like historical fantasy with a magic system that involves doors leading to other worlds, a world where writing has the power to make words come to life, sweet romances, and evil secret societies bent on destroying everything, then this is the book for you. The writing could be stronger, and it's not a story for everyone, but I thoroughly enjoyed this.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/16096824-a-court-of-thorns-and-roses">A Court of Thorns of Roses</a>, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17927395-a-court-of-mist-and-fury">A Court of Mist and Fury</a>, </i>and <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23766634-a-court-of-wings-and-ruin">A Court of Wings and Ruin</a> </i>by Sarah J. Maas<br />
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Lumping my review of this trilogy all together. I saw this trilogy recommended repeatedly by some of my go-to fantasy review sources, but then I started seeing it pop up in some of my more literary review sources, and so I thought, well, everyone seems to love it? Maybe I should give it a try? And... eh. It's still very much a typical "special girl" kind of series, just with fairies and far more sex scenes than I cared for (I skimmed heavily to get through to the end). It was like a better <i>Twilight.</i> It was compelling enough I wanted to finish the series, and there were a few things/characters I quite liked, but I was definitely bored by the third book, and ready to be done. Not a strong recommend from me, although the fan base is pretty rabid.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15818077-the-secrets-of-happy-families">The Secrets of Happy Families</a> </i>by Bruce Feiler<br />
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I picked this up because <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15818077-the-secrets-of-happy-families">Janssen </a>picked it for her May book club book and some of her reviews intrigued me. Lots of it was good, some interesting stuff to think about, but mostly not very life-changing for me personally. I maybe want to start having more family meetings and come up with a good family motto, and other people may get other useful insights out of this, but it was all stuff I've heard before or already with my family. Good stuff, but not a must read.<br />
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Well, clumping three books into one review makes this list look shorter than it should, but seven books isn't bad considering how my reading life's been going this year. June is already looking way, way up, which is so fun. Anyway, if you've read any of these, I'd love to hear your thoughts on them!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-38458399406132308172020-06-16T16:44:00.000-05:002020-06-17T14:49:08.826-05:00On Teaching Lovecraft in the Age of George Floyd (Plus a Reading List)<i>Hi! I've been working on this post since the beginning of June, but due to my summer-haze work pace and accidentally leaving my laptop in Iowa for a week, I'm only finally getting around to publishing this today. Even if the heat of the protests is behind us, I still want to throw my two cents in the ring here, for whatever it's worth. This is an issue that needs sustained energy, and I'm only just learning how to speak up. Anyway, here we go.</i><br />
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I'd planned to write about this particular lesson from <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2020/02/magic-words-magic-books-magic-language.html">my magic course</a> at some point, but the way I will write about it has now changed thanks to everything that has happened in the past weeks. I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people reading my posts are white, and so I write this for a white audience. I've decided it's important to share my opinion, my voice, my stance, for my white family and friends to know. This is a conversation I want us to be having.<br />
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For my magic and language course this past semester, I included on the syllabus a short story by H.P Lovecraft, "<a href="http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/texts/fiction/cc.aspx">The Call of Cthulhu</a>." I chose it because there is both an "unpronouncable" and "unreadable" spoken and written language that play a major role in developing the sense of horror around the great destructive elder Gods ("Cthulhu" being one of them) that form the basis of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu_Mythos">Lovecraft's influential mythos</a>.<br />
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But I was worried about including Lovecraft on the syllable because the man was an outspoken, well documented, agreed with Hitler, named his cat the n-word, disgusting bigot and racist. I was aware of controversies surrounding his racism, and I worried that including him on the syllabus would make it seem like I was giving Lovecraft a platform, or endorsing him as a person "worthy" of canonized status. I finally decided that there was enough value in the contribution the story added to our overall class theme that I wanted to keep it on the syllabus, and the best way to handle the controversy would be to just have an open class discussion about it.<br />
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I dedicated two class sessions to discussing Lovecraft. The first class session we kept very focused primarily on the language use in the story, and it was an interesting discussion that worked well for the course. For the next class period, however, I had the students read<a href="https://lithub.com/we-cant-ignore-h-p-lovecrafts-white-supremacy/"> this article</a>, and then when they showed up to class, I asked them to write for five minutes about what racism they noticed in the story, and what value we should place on this work knowing the views of the author, and whether I should have a place for Lovecraft on the syllabus. For context, my class had 18 students in it, only one of whom was Black, and she mostly refrained from joining in the conversation (absolutely her right), so this was generally white students talking to other white students.<br />
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And their answers provided some interesting commentary on how white people in general respond to racism. I had some students who read the whole story and did not notice any form of racism at all. It was a story about monsters under the ocean being awoken to potentially destroy the earth, nothing remotely about racism. Then I had other students who had been so angered and appalled by the racism inherent in the very details of the story that they could barely stomach finishing. It was quite the spectrum.<br />
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But I think this is the way racism works for us, as white people. Some of us may go about our lives and not "see" it. We're just living our lives, dealing with our own conflicts, no racism here! That is white privilege. It takes some training, some education, but once someone begins to point out the racism, you can see how it is there, so woven into the fabric of our society that it might be unnoticeable to you, the white protagonist, but it is there, pervasive, everywhere. It is on every page, in almost every line. And once we began examining the racism in the story, it was very hard not to see. In fact, it became clear to us as a class that Lovecraft's story wasn't about fictional alien monsters at all, but actually about racism.<br />
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Lovecraft's brand of horror operates on the scariness of the unknown. What is so terrifying about his giant elder gods is that they are presumably beyond human comprehension, so unfathomable that to even try to grasp at their existence or purpose leads men to go insane. They are the definition of the "other." And what Lovecraft tries to evoke through the way he spins his narrative is to build that sense of the unknown, the unknowable. The language that these gods use to communicate with man is barely able to translate into recognizable sound. Lovecraft chose the name "Cthulhu" because it was supposed to look and sound unpronounceable. It was supposed to feel unknowable, and therefore terrifying. Lovecraft explores a type of fear of the unknowable that assumes what is unknown is going to destroy the world as he knew it.<br />
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If you read the story closely, you can clearly see this is how Lovecraft felt about other races as well. He seemed to find them unfathomable, so different, so "other," that it was impossible to understand them, and that was horrifying to him. Or perhaps, in the deepest, most unexplored recesses of his psyche, Lovecraft knew that to come to know or understand other races would be the destruction of his world, would be the destruction of white (male) dominance, and he found that too uncomfortable to countenance.<br />
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But what we spent most of our class time discussing is how in the very act of writing a story based on the fear of the unknown, Lovecraft undermined his intention. In trying to create a name that was unpronounceable, Lovecraft created a name that people have standardized pronunciation for through the decades and we now say without hesitation (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkGqJqvWOUs">see here</a>, although check the comments to see just how upset everyone is that we pronounce this word at all). Even while declaring the monster indescribable, Lovecraft nevertheless included enough description that readers (and artists) are still able to guess at a fairly uniform image of it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lovecraft.fandom.com/wiki/Cthulhu">https://lovecraft.fandom.com/wiki/Cthulhu</a></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/Lovecraft/comments/blw0jl/cthulhu_by_andr%C3%A9e_wallin/">https://www.reddit.com/r/Lovecraft/comments/blw0jl/cthulhu_by_andr%C3%A9e_wallin/</a></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Pyramid-America-Spiral-Cthulhu-Rising/dp/B07CS9PD6Y">https://www.amazon.com/Pyramid-America-Spiral-Cthulhu-Rising/dp/B07CS9PD6Y</a></td></tr>
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Lovecraft opens his story with this paragraph: "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid isle of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."<br />
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Then he goes on from there to tell an entire story that does nothing but piece together bits of dissociated knowledge to reveal a sensible whole story of what are supposed to be terrifying monsters bent on destroying earth. Yet by the end of the story, we are no more driven mad by horror than we are by curiosity, and there is no impulse to flee from the deadly light.<br />
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What I proposed to my class is that Lovecraft had it all wrong when he assumed we should be afraid of the unknown. While we could debate for endless ages about whether powerful alien gods are or are not actually unknowable, what we can assume (both from the story and from his real life) is that Lovecraft was deeply afraid of other races because he did not know them, did not understand them. While it is very true that knowing another race and acknowledging that race's humanity may be difficult, and may destroy our own worldview, it is far from the most terrifying thing. The most terrifying thing may very well be our own selves, our own ability to de-humanize others.<br />
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When we keep ourselves in ignorance, when we refuse to learn about the "other," when we refuse to acknowledge the reality, the humanity, the valid experiences and emotions, of other races, that is when we become the monsters.<br />
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But we are capable of learning. We are capable of understanding. We are capable of reaching across "black seas of infinity" and piecing together dissociated pieces of knowledge to open up vistas of reality that may be terrifying, but not because they reveal monsters that will drive us mad, but because they reveal other humans we have treated wrongly. Guilt may destroy our world view, but it will not destroy our sanity. We must trust that coming to face the unknown, coming to learn about the "other," is the only way to avoid the new dark age Lovecraft touts as a desirable condition for humanity. His racism would have us wallow in darkness because it is safe and peaceful (for us, the white dominant race). The light might be terrifying, but I will always choose the light over the dark.<br />
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Light is knowable. Light is knowledge.<br />
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I want to be clear here. I am not saying that I will ever be able to truly understand what it feels like to be Black in America today. I am not saying I will ever be able to empathize completely, or really "know." What I am saying is that humans may be the only species capable of imagining what it is like to be someone else. We are a species that is capable of greater understanding. We may not be able to understand everything yet, and it may take many years of long, hard work to get there, but the work of seeking more knowledge, seeking more understanding, seeking to really listen, listen, listen, and validate the humanity and reality of the "other", will lead us to a place out of darkness. Maybe it is scary, and uncomfortable, and chaotic here, facing these unknowns. But we must always choose the light over the darkness.<br />
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I actually just finished reading Malcom Gladwell's <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43848929-talking-to-strangers?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=OdpfDZXDzD&rank=1">Talking to Strangers</a></i> (which, PS tangent, offers a super interesting look into the history of police work and one aspect of why police work the way they do, and how it leads to tragedy) in which he says something along the lines of how we are terrible at knowing when we are being lied to, and true communication may be almost impossible because we have such a hard time truly understanding each other. I take the more positive view that we may be terrible now, but understanding "others" is not impossible. Just difficult. It is the work of a lifetime, perhaps many lifetimes. Just because it is hard does not mean we should not try.<br />
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My class finally decided that it was probably fine for me to leave Lovecraft on the syllabus for the single reason that it allowed that conversation to happen (I even had a few students tell me that class discussion was the single most impactful class they had all semester). It was worth reading the words of a racist so that we could point out to each other what the racism was and why it was wrong. We can read Lovecraft to learn that he had it all wrong.<br />
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I've had many conversations with people about my class over the past few months, because I love sharing about this course, but some of the most disappointing conversations have been with white men who, when they ask what books I'm teaching and I mention Lovecraft, have gushed enthusiastically, "I love Lovecraft!" And I wait for the "but..." that never comes. To all those white men I was too afraid to confront in the moment, Lovecraft needs a caveat. He contributed greatly to the world of horror literature, but he was racist, and he was wrong about what is truly terrifying.<br />
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I am not perfect on this topic. I was terrified to lead a discussion on this topic (like, literally heart-fluttering panicked), and I'm terrified to write these words here and share them because I might be getting it wrong. Racism is so messy, so incredibly messy, and so incredibly uncomfortable. But I don't want my silence on the topic to speak louder than a fumbling, potentially wrong attempt at standing on the right. I'm doing what work I can to get educated, to get informed, and to understand as much as I am able to. I am learning. And here is what I have learned so far:<br />
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Racism is not an emotion or a feeling, it is a system that exists. I may not love and support the system of racism, I may not actively persecute Black people, but simply by being white and enjoying white privilege I benefit from and perpetuate the system.<br />
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Racism has caused deep, systemic, generational trauma for the Black people of America (and other countries). From the very little I know about trauma from my reading, this means that their brains have had to develop in a way to survive and exist around that trauma every single day. When faced with triggers (like the killing of a Black person by white police men), that trauma may cause an expression of release in the form of violent protest. I am not saying I condone violent protest, but I am saying that I have a lot more patience and compassion for the burning of a building due to triggering generational trauma than I do for murder by white men (white men who, I might add, are probably also suffering from various forms of trauma, but it is a trauma from a position of power, not a position of victim, so it is harder to have compassion there).<br />
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I believe it is completely unfair to ask Black people to behave with the patience and long suffering of Gandhi while excusing white men for violent murder. Black anger is uncomfortable for us, but would we feel any different in their shoes?<br />
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To my white friends and family, none of us want to believe we are bad, or wrong, or monsters. None of us want to believe that we are racists. None of us want to believe that we contribute to a world that makes life harder or more dangerous for black people. But the fact is, we do.<br />
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My oldest son saw me watching a video of one of the protests and asked what was going on. I explained that a white police man had killed a Black man and people were angry about it. He asked why the police man had killed the Black man and I said the most likely reason was simply that he was Black. My son exclaimed, "That is so wrong!" A few hours later, he said, "Mom, I've been thinking about that video you showed me, and I didn't know until I saw that that Martin Luther King Jr. didn't win."<br />
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Clearly, there are a lot more conversations I need to be having with my son, but isn't his experience a little like all of ours? We learn about MLKJ in school, learn about his dream speech and assassination as part of a history lesson. And that is how we like to think about these issues. As part of history. Racism was in the past, and then we had heroes like MLKJ, and now we don't have racism any more. It's a very pretty story we tell ourselves. We want to believe it's over, and we've all learned to be good, and racism isn't a thing anymore. But my son, like all of us, has had to wake up to the harsh reality that it is not history. It is not over. MLKJ did not win. He was shot and killed by the very racism that he fought against, and it has continued to kill and kill and kill.<br />
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What can we do? We can start by listening to Black voices. We can start with reading Black writing. We can start by quieting our own knee-jerk reflex to defend ourselves and our position and just be open to listening, to validating the hurt and anger Black people feel. So now I've said my piece, I'll send you on to recommendations of Black voices as a place to start. Some of these I have read and highly recommend. Some of these are now in my queue waiting to be read, so I can keep educating myself, keep listening, keep learning, keep trying to understand, keep moving toward the light.<br />
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<u>Nonfiction:</u><br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20342617-just-mercy?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=HU9WWBIhpX&rank=1">Just Mercy</a> </i>by Bryan Stevenson<br />
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I read this one last year and it changed my mind on so many things. My husband is a lawyer who has not read this yet, but I had multiple discussions with him about the justice system, what is wrong with it, how things need to change, and the values of mercy over justice (or not over justice, but mercy being a form of justice). Anyway, you've got to read this one. I haven't seen the movie yet but <a href="https://www.justmercyfilm.com/">they are making the movie available for free</a> on a bunch of platforms all through the month of June, and I will be getting around to it at some point.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20613761-citizen">Citizen</a></i> by Claudia Rankine<br />
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I read this one a few years ago (it was my university's book-of-the-year in 2017-18), and it is a little bit different as far as being a mash-up of genres (lyrical essays, poetry, images, even links to online videos), but if you wonder what racism looks like today, this is a heart-breaking description of it. We may not have Jim Crow laws anymore, but we still have everything from microagressions to full-on murder. This book doesn't offer solutions, just a plea to let their voices be heard.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25489625-between-the-world-and-me">Between the World and Me</a></i> by Ta-Nehisi Coates<br />
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This one has been on my to-read list for a while, but I've yet to get around to it. It's been a hot one for years, and I know it's left some (white) readers feeling conflicted and uncomfortable, but it sounds like an important read to me. It's a letter from a Black father to his son, about how to get along in a racist world.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46002342-me-and-white-supremacy">Me and White Supremacy</a></i> by Layla F. Saad<br />
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Saad is a Black Muslim woman living in London (I believe it's London, somewhere in the UK at least), which apparently has just a big a problem with race as we do here in America. I recently added this to my to-read list, but I understand it's far more of a work-book with pen and paper assignments than a read-through-in-one-sitting kind of book, so I'm looking to get a physical copy from the library instead of my usual audio book route. From what I gather, this is designed specifically for white people (I think?) to help us understand our own relationships to racist systems, and how we can do better.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35099718-so-you-want-to-talk-about-race">So You Want to Talk About Race</a> </i>by Ijeoma Oluo<br />
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I mean, no, does any white person really want to talk about race? But we're all talking about it now, so we better figure out how to have these conversations. I've heard really good things about this book, and therefore I'm adding it to my to-read list.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40265832-how-to-be-an-antiracist">How to Be an Antiracist</a> </i>by Ibram X. Kendi<br />
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So when it comes to difficult and depressing topics, I always like solutions-oriented books. It's like, yes, now I know everything is wrong and terrible, but what can I do about it? I'm hoping this book offers some of those solutions and suggestions. This is another one I've heard plenty of good things about, so it's on the list.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43708708-white-fragility">White Fragility</a> </i>by Robin DiAngelo<br />
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Okay, technically this one is not by a Black voice. DiAngelo is a white academic who made her career off of coining the term White Fragility, which as far as I understand it defines the knee-jerk defensiveness white people feel around topics of racism. Since I've seen plenty of defensiveness in conversations with family recently, I think this a topic worth learning more about, so this one is on my to-read list as well.<br />
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<u>Adult Fiction</u><br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27071490-homegoing">Homeoing</a> </i>by Yaa Gyasi<br />
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Okay, this is one of the best books I read in 2017. This is a sweeping multi-generational saga that follows the stories of two half-sisters from 1700s Africa, one who stays in Ghana, the other who comes to America through forced slavery, then follows the lives of their descendants through the centuries to the present day. It's a gripping look at the harmful effects of colonialism, slavery, and generational trauma, not to mention, breathtakingly written. I highly recommend this one.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30555488-the-underground-railroad">The Underground Railroad</a></i> by Colson Whitehead<br />
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This book is a historical fantasy re-imagining of pre-Civil War life in America. The underground railroad, rather than being a metaphorical system of trails and safe-houses, is a actually a literal underground railroad, with trains in underground tunnels, and stations at various places along which the protagonists stop to rest and see different aspects of racism in American society. There's all sorts of darkness and violence, and an a-historical mash-up of some of the worst treatment our country has subjected Black people to over the centuries, but this one is definitely worth reading. It's a history that needs facing.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43923951-such-a-fun-age">Such a Fun Age</a></i> by Kiley Reid<br />
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This one feels so different from most of the other books on this list, because while this book does explore different issues of racism in America, it does so in a rather dishy/gossipy/beach read kind of way. In other words, it's not super dark or heavy. However, what this book does offer is a portrayal of two very different types of toxic white allies. When I first read this book, I was confused about the critique of white allies, but after recently learning about the "<a href="https://medium.com/@alishiamccullough/the-7-circles-of-whiteness-cb60e53d14e0">7 Circles of Whiteness,</a>" I can totally see how the white people depicted in this story represent toxic forms of white ally-ship. It's worth reading just to parse through that (though, language warning in effect).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15796700-americanah">Americanah</a></i> by Chimamanda Ngozi<br />
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This one has been on my to-read list for a while. It explores themes of racism with immigration, and offers a non-American Black view of American racism (I believe). I've heard very good things about this one.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33590210-an-american-marriage?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=zRcMrOveEd&rank=1">An American Marriage</a> </i>by Tayari Jones<br />
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This one has been on my radar for a while (it's been hugely popular for a few years now) but I haven't gotten around to reading it yet. As I understand it, the themes center more heavily on relationships and marriage, but there is a strong background of issues of mass incarceration and racism in the justice system, which seems to touch every Black person's life.<br />
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<u>YA Fiction</u><br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20821284-brown-girl-dreaming">Brown Girl Dreaming</a> </i>by Jacqueline Woodson<br />
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This is one of those beautiful poetry novels, where the story is offered in verse. This one is autobiographical, describing Woodson's childhood growing up in South Carolina and New York in the 1960s and 70s, and the impact of racism and the civil rights movement on her life. I loved this book so much, and highly recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32075671-the-hate-u-give">The Hate U Give</a></i> by Angie Thomas<br />
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This book is so good and really just hits everything: police brutality, the caught place of Black people between the "hood" and "white" success, protests, and everything else. It's powerful and beautifully written. I have to give a strong warning on the language, but I understand the language wouldn't be as authentic or real if it were watered down. I haven't seen the movie version of this yet, but I understand it's also being offered free through the month of June on various platforms.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24974996-dear-martin">Dear Martin</a></i> by Nic Stone<br />
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Similar to <i>The Hate U Give</i>, this one covers everything around police brutality, and the hard place of young Black people between seeking success in white schools and arenas, and the community of Black friends left in the "hood". It's short, and again a strong language warning, but it packs a punch in covering all the hot issues.<br />
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Whew. Okay. This is not a definitive list of all the books out there by Black authors, or all the good books on racism. These are just a handful of the most recent I've read or plan to read eventually and want to recommend (let me know what you would add to this list!). I offer this as a starting place if you are looking to read up on these issues and want to listen to more Black voices on these topics.<br />
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We must make the effort to try and understand each other. We must work toward listening, we must move toward the light. Otherwise, we will perish in our own dark age.Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-72059569571062493332020-05-22T16:10:00.000-05:002020-05-22T16:10:07.784-05:00What's In A Name?<i>I've been intending all year to write more about the Magic Language course I taught this year, but in the midst of an extraordinarily crazy semester, survival was the name of the game. Now that the class is officially over (and I can officially say it was the single greatest teaching experience of my life), I'm hoping to write a little bit more about it here. In our first unit, we read </i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13642.A_Wizard_of_Earthsea?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=rnCJsoG7OI&rank=1">A Wizard of Earthsea</a><i> by Ursula K. LeGuin, a fantasy book where the magic system revolves heavily around knowing the "true name" of people and objects. We spent a lot of time discussing how language works, if there is any connection between a word and the thing it names, and the power names hold in our society. I assigned my students a creative essay to write about their relationship with their own name, and I must say, I've never had more fun grading an assignment, because the essays I got were AMAZING. Some of my students loved their names, others hated them, some had even officially changed their names, and it was fascinating to read about. Every essay was deeply profound, and since reading them, I've been stewing all semester about what I would've written about my own name. As soon as I submitted final grades, this is the first thing I decided to do with my time. Below is my own name essay. I hope you enjoy.</i><br />
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“What’s in a name?” asks Juliet to the night sky. “That
which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as a sweet.” She has a
point. What is a name, but a conventional piece of language, a collection of
arbitrary sounds attached to us at birth. Names are just words, words just
puffs of air. They mean nothing but what we ascribe them to mean. Why does it
matter, what we are called, or that we are called anything at all? While some
of us are eccentric enough to slip in and out of names and identities
throughout life, the vast majority of us are saddled with a moniker at birth,
officially to be changed only through a fee and court order. We do not choose
our names, mostly. Our parents choose for us, but what do our parents know of
us to pick good names? Just scrunchy blobs of newborn flesh, how are parents
supposed to pick the perfect sounds to identify us?</div>
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Socrates
and Cratylus debated the question of whether there were “true names,” sounds and
syllables that represented and connected to a person’s true “essence,” a word
that described them so perfectly that to know a person’s name was to know the
person truly. They, along with the modern branch of linguistics, eventually
decided this could not be how language works, and of course it is not. Words
are not intrinsically connected to the things they signify. The names given us
at birth are less like skin, attached to our being, and more like clothes,
artificial additions. And like clothes, some names fit like gloves, others fit
like baggy sweaters. Unlike clothes, names cannot be changed so easily, and
sometimes the infant who snuggled in the warmth of their childish name must
grow into the adult constricted by the too-tight fabric. If only names could be
shed as easily as clothes, or shed entirely. What’s in a name, really? Perhaps
it is a relief to some, knowing that their name, and whatever conventional
baggage comes with it, is not actually a part of who they are. Names are signs,
not realities of identity.</div>
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And yet,
the first act of brutality the Nazi’s inflicted on inmates of those infamous
concentration camps was to strip them of their names. In place, inmates were
given numbers tattooed into their very flesh. There is a reasonable logic to
this. Numbers are markers of identity too. Numbers can be even more individual
than names; there can be an infinite amount of numbers without ever repeating,
whereas one class of twenty kindergartners can have two Johns or three Marys.
But reasonable logic doesn’t negate the fact that a number instead of a name is
dehumanizing. Even de-biologizing. We name every living thing—the family pet,
the flowers in the garden, even the algae scum on the surface of a puddle in
some squalid bog gets a name (<i>chlorella</i>,
what a beautiful name at that). To take away a person’s name and replace it
with a number is not just to deny their humanity, it is to class them with the
inorganic commodities bought and sold by bar code identification. Some things
may be identified by number, but living souls need a name.</div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">However arbitrary or ill-fitting
our names may be, like all of language, names have power and significance because
we believe in their power and significance. Our magic stories, fantastical
semiotic reflections of how we imagine the real world could work, are rife with
names of power: names that can summon demons, names that can control the wind
or call a storm, names so evocative of dreadful evil that they must not be
named. Names can be so sacred we don’t use them at all, but instead use
honorific titles. While we can talk all we want about sticks and stones and
words not hurting, it just isn’t true. Words matter, and the most significant
words we have are the ones that have the power to identify us. To name us. We
crave to be known by our names. To be called by our names. In the few instances
of scripture we have where God the Father has spoken to man, he has called them
by name: Adam, Moses, Joseph. To be called by name is to be known, or at least,
acknowledged, a type of knowing.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Perhaps that is why I went through
such a period of mourning when I changed my last name after marriage. I’d
disparaged my maiden name while growing up. Smith. Could there be a more
common, more unimaginative, more bland name in existence? My shallowest fear in
life was to become a teacher before I got married and have to listen to my
students call me “Miss Smith.” And yet, and yet! That name had been my identity
for twenty-one years. That name tied me to the only family I’d known, to my
father, and to his father before him, and his father before him. It was a name
rich in legacy, a name of prophets and presidents. Though my lineage did not
change with marriage, I still felt a severing, a wondering if I could claim my
noble ancestors now I didn’t share their name. Would my children feel the same
connection to that heritage if they never bore the name Smith? It felt like
losing a part of myself, and I mourned that loss.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I considered keeping my last name
(and confession, I did keep it as a middle name, but the strange place and
powerlessness of middle names in our society is a topic for a different essay).
However, if I had to go back and do it again I would still change my name,
because I recognize how my new last name represents the new family unit I have
built. It connects me deeply to my husband and my children. Tanner (a name, I
might add, barely one syllable more interesting than Smith if no less common
and unimaginative) is the name that unifies and identifies us as a family. It’s
a powerful thing, to share this common family name. It binds us together. I
wish the burden of losing and changing names and identities didn’t fall so
heavily upon women in our culture, didn’t reinforce so much the paternal
connection. I wish my name represented all the lost maiden names from my
maternal line, the Nortons, the Prices, the Warrs… but hyphenated names are an
in-elegant solution. The only perfect situation happened to my Grandma Donna
Smith, who married her third cousin once removed, my Grandpa Mitt Smith, and
never had to change a thing. Of course, we can’t all have looping family trees
like that, or the species would be in danger.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">The significance of last
names, the connection to family, define people in a very specific way, but
first names are another matter. If Socrates’ “true names” exist, names that
define the true essence of who we are, we would expect to find them in the
first name. But if first names actually reveal anything about anyone, it is
more about the parents giving the name than the child receiving it. Did my
mother have any clue that the name “Suzanne” was a French version of the Hebrew
word for “lily”? Did she believe that flower possessed any essential connection
to the babe in her womb? No. My mother gave me my name for the entirely
unromantic reason that my due date was originally on the birthday of her
favorite college roommate, who happened to be named Suzanne. Of course, then I
actually came two weeks late, so the date was irrelevant, and I’ve never in my
life met my namesake, which generally makes me question how strong their
friendship actually was (if you name your child after someone, don’t you think
they’d be an important enough person in your life to actually meet up with
occasionally, and introduce said child to?). So for all intents and purposes, I
consider my mother’s choice of my name to be arbitrary. Practically
meaningless.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">And yet, and yet… When I stumbled
across the etymology of my name in a baby book years later, I felt a spark of
recognition. I felt the clothing of my name, at times in my past too tight or
too baggy, to slide in comfortably around my skin. I had loved calla lilies
since I was little—pure and white, graceful curves, long and elegant. They were
the flowers in my wedding bouquet. And French had been my minor in college. I
did a study abroad in Paris. Now here was my name Suzanne, literally meaning
French lily. </span><i style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Fleur-de-lys</i><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">. Could a
name be more perfect for me? Was it a true name? Or was it coincidence? Did my
name, with the power of some unbelieved magic, shape me? Predict me? Guide me
to become the essence it defined? Or was it just luck, me forging connections
to an arbitrary collection of sounds randomly assigned to me by chance? Is that
what all people must do who love their names? Find the connection, build the
identity, create the definition they want?</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I decided I wanted to
name my first daughter Lily, as a way of naming her after myself without giving
her the name Suzanne. Maybe that’s a selfish thing to do? But how could I give
her a more significant and meaningful name? How else are parents supposed to
choose names for their children? How else other than chance, whim, liking the
sound of the syllables, the way it will look on some future theoretical resume,
the connection to some long-dead ancestor or some beloved celebrity, trying to
conform, trying to be unique, naming her after my favorite flower, myself? How
else to pick the single crucial defining symbol for a being who exists more in
potential than in experience? And, like all the other baggage parents pass
along, children must do their best to get along under the weight (or
weightlessness) of the name handed to them.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I had so many images in
my mind of what this daughter would look like, how we would go see the ballet
together every year, how she would let me curl her hair and we would wear
matching dresses, how someday we would go to Paris together, and how her
favorite flowers would be lilies too, simply because of her name, and the
connection it would give the two of us. Three years ago, I gave birth to that
daughter I’d been dreaming about, and I named her Lily. And she grew up to be
nothing like I imagined.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">She is a force. Though
she be but little, she is fierce. She is strong and opinionated and stomps around
our house in her favorite pair of boots. She is passion and bursts of emotion
and has a flair for the dramatic. She looks nothing like me (she is 100% her
father’s child), and loves wearing princess dresses but only over pants. She
won’t let me touch her hair, so she runs around with wild stringy curls, little
more than bedhead. She will likely never take a day of ballet lessons in her
life (though I can potentially see her going out for softball, and honestly, with
the way I’ve seen her tackle her older brothers I believe she would make a fair
linebacker). She is the life of the party, the center of attention, color and
sound and explosion. She is the opposite of me in almost every way possible,
and yet the depth of my love for her takes my breath away. I stand in complete
awe of her fierce, beautiful, passionate little person, but I often worry she
will grow up resenting the name I gave her, for she is nothing like the quiet,
slender, elegant calla lilies I painted in a watercolor to adorn her nursery
before she was born.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">We do not get to choose our names,
but even if we could, how many of us know what name we would pick? How to
choose a collection of sounds to represent our identity? Such a significant
weight for a symbol to hold! How does one choose the perfect name? Does the
perfect name exist? What do we do with the names we are given? Especially the
ones that fit like baggy sweaters or squeeze like too-tight T-shirts. Do we
suffocate? Do we chafe? Do we drown? Do we insist on nicknames or file legal
petitions to change them? Or do we learn to accept them? Do we let our names
define us, or do we define our names?</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">What I hope my daughter knows is
that while it may not be a “true name,” or a name that describes her essence
perfectly, it is still her name. She is not a number. She was loved enough,
cherished enough, to be given a name. Her name still holds power, still holds
meaning, still identifies her. There is still magic in her name. Maybe some
names “fit” better than other names, maybe some names feel arbitrary and
unconnected to who we want to be or feel we truly are. But also, maybe it’s
about making the connection. After all, a name’s meaning isn’t tied down. There
are a million ways to inhabit a name, to find the connection, and make it fit.
I wasn’t always sure my name defined me. Maybe my daughter will find her own
reason to love her name. Maybe she will love the connection it creates between
the two of us (a mother can only hope). Or maybe she will find some other way
entirely to connect her name to the essence of her identity.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I am the calla lily, but
there are other varieties of lily. She can be the tiger lily.</span></div>
<i></i>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-30916395243523669232020-05-05T16:53:00.000-05:002020-05-05T16:53:45.094-05:00Books I Read in AprilWell, hello there! Happy May! How was April for you? I know everyone made jokes about March lasting an eternity because every day in quarantine felt ridiculously long, but let me tell you what, April seems to have just blazed by for me. Something about the sameness of each day blending in to each other made it feel like a blink, at least for me. Also, as predicted, it was a stressful and busy month work-wise (there's a joke in academia that April is the cruelest month, and that was as true in quarantine as in any other year). I just had a ton of deadlines and grading and online course production work. It was busy.<br />
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Then I went and tweaked my back stretching after yoga one morning, and it flared up my old neck and shoulder issues, and I ended up in the chiropractor by the end of the month. But that's a story for another post (or, maybe not, because who cares to read a post about minor back and shoulder issues?).<br />
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Anyway, all that preamble is to explain that, as predicted, April was another pretty off reading month for me. I got six books in, which honestly, without my commute, is surprisingly high. I've got a couple more weeks of the grading grind before I'm off for the summer, and I'm hoping my reading numbers improve drastically then. We shall see.<br />
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But for now, what I did read covered everything from the super fluff puff to the profoundly serious and important, and I can't wait to talk about some of these books with you. Let's dive in.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29358517-the-inquisitor-s-tale">The Inquisitor's Tale</a></i> by Adam Gidwitz<br />
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This one was recommended to me by my dissertation advisor, of all people. He said it was patterned after Chaucer's <i>Canterbury Tales</i> and he had read it to his kids and they loved it. Recommendation enough for me! And yes, while the narrative structure has many similarities to <i>Canterbury Tales</i>, it is thankfully a much more complete story (which actually stretched the narrative point-of-view to the unbelievable, but just embrace it). This story takes place in medieval France, and deals with all sorts of interesting questions about miracles, religion, diversity, and book love. It follows the tale of three misfit children who seem to be able to perform miracles... or is it witchcraft? The ending surprised me, and I found the religious discussion surprisingly deep and beautiful. The book had all sorts of very accurate historical detail in it, and so I was not surprised to learn that Gidwitz's wife is actually a professor of Medieval history with a PhD from Yale. Legit. In short, I loved it, and I highly recommend it. As a content warning, there is a recurring joke employing Biblical swear words (ass), which I might feel slightly uncomfortable with my own young children reading, but if I ever do this as a read aloud (and it would make a great read aloud), I could just edit those parts.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6969.Emma">Emma</a> </i>by Jane Austen<br />
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This was my book club's pick for the month (because we can't check books out from the library here right now, we had to pick something everyone could access for cheap or free elsewhere). Despite being my least favorite Austen heroine, I love reading this book so much. The way the plot unfolds is just so clever and so fun. It took everything in me not to immediately dive into the rest of Austen's books, as they would've made the perfect comfort reads during quarantine, but I didn't want to upset my tradition of re-reading these in the fall (and I have a feeling I'll be just as in need of comfort reads come fall). So I restrained. But goodness, I could just reread Austen for ever and never get tired of her.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44284639-would-like-to-meet">Would Like to Meet</a></i> by Rachel Winters<br />
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So instead, I dove into the comfort of super fluffy romcom reads. This one was rather adorable. There were a lot of homages to all the classic romcom movies of the 90s and early 2000s, which was fun, and it managed to remain fairly clean (especially in comparison to other contemporary romances of this genre). In short, if you like fluffy romances, this one is a recommend. Nothing earth shattering, but cute.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18660447-the-fill-in-boyfriend">The Fill-In Boyfriend</a></i> by Kasie West<br />
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This one was quite a bit fluffier and less smart than the one above. I found it on a list somewhere comparing it to <i>T<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15749186-to-all-the-boys-i-ve-loved-before?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=Qlf4iygoOE&rank=1">o All The Boys I've Loved Before</a></i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15749186-to-all-the-boys-i-ve-loved-before?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=Qlf4iygoOE&rank=1"> </a>because there is a fake dating story-line. It's not nearly as good, but it was cute enough to satisfy. And it was quite a bit cleaner, which was honestly surprising. Anyway, still not particularly memorable for me.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41104077-invisible-women"><i>Invisible Women</i> </a>by Caroline Criado Perez<br />
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This one was recommended to me by a trusted friend a few months ago, and I've had it on hold since then (it took forever to come in). But what a book! This book made me feel so angry. Like, seething frustration. The premise of this book is that there is gender bias against women in some of the most fundamental ways that our society is designed, some ways that are obvious, but other ways that we don't even realize because we've all been taught for so long that the male body is the standard so we don't even think about these things. I'll try to give a few brief examples. One thing she brings up is that there are fewer female concert pianists than male concert pianists, not because females are inherently less good at the piano, but because the standard piano keyboard width was designed for male hands that have on average a bigger reach. If piano keys were less wide, women could have better reach and more could be better pianists. Or the one that infuriated me, seats in cars are designed for male bodies and tested with male crash dummies, which means that women tend to die at a higher rate in car crashes because seat belts and cars are not designed for female bodies (and this seat design might also contribute to why women suffer more from car sickness!!!). Now, one or two of these types of facts might be dismissable. But Perez just keeps bringing up example after example after example in this flood of evidence that just felt overwhelming... the world is designed for men and not women. I won't say here that I agreed with absolutely everything Perez says, or with all of her data, or assumptions, or even goals of what gender equality should be, but I absolutely appreciated her overall argument that women's bodies are different and should not be ignored. Women are not men, and women are just as deserving of having tools, jobs, cities, cars, medications, and schedules designed for them as men. I also agree that women should be part of governing bodies making decisions. I could go on and on about this book (and maybe I will some day), but for now, I'll leave it with a high, high recommend. Everyone should read this and talk about it.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/50196744-know-my-name">Know My Name</a></i> by Chanel Miller<br />
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Okay, so when I read really good books, I usually talk my husband's ear off about them. So when I started telling him about this one immediately after the last one, his comment was, "What, are you one some kind of men-are-evil reading streak right now?" I've had both these books on hold for a while and did not intend to read them concurrently, but yes, by the end of both these books, I really did feel depressed about the work feminism still has left to do. Okay, if you haven't heard of this one, you need to read it. Required. Absolutely. Except, it is a hard, hard read. If you don't know yet, Chanel Miller was previously known as Emily Doe, or the Stanford Rape Victim. She was sexually assaulted by Stanford swimmer Brock Turner back in 2015. While her name was kept anonymous throughout the trial, her victim impact statement went viral in 2016, and I remember reading it then and being super impressed with it. Chanel eventually decided that her story needed to be told in full, and that people needed to know her name, instead of just knowing her as "Brock Turner's victim" (thus the title of the book). Here's the thing, Chanel is a beautiful writer. I mean, stunningly beautiful writer, and it is absolutely a shame that this is the book we have to get to know her through. I wish with all my heart her story, her book, could be a different story, but this is the one she gets to tell now, and I think everyone needs to read it. I want to push this book into the hands of every freshman on my campus, I want everyone to read it. It is incredible, and heartbreaking, and super powerful. It's not just a tragedy about what Brock did to her, but a tragedy about what the justice system did to her, how hard she had to work to be the "perfect victim." I don't have answers, but I know that people need to read this book and we need to keep talking about this. Absolutely, 100% recommend.<br />
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Alright, that was my reading month. A little bit of everything in there, from super fluff to heartbreaking serious, from classic to middle grade. It was a good month, and I'd love, love, love to talk more about these books to anyone willing to chat!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727226129280965650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-2758095831473828042020-04-09T14:10:00.000-05:002020-04-09T14:10:37.060-05:00Books I Read in MarchWell, hello there! It's been a minute, and since the last time I wrote, the world has fallen apart.<br />
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So here's a bit of a brief update. I've been hesitant to post this kind of an update, because it seems incredibly insensitive to everyone out there who is experiencing any mental, emotional, economic, or physical health problems right now, but honestly? Quarantine is my dream life come true. I was built for quarantine. Never leave the house? Be in charge of my own schedule? Spend 24/7 with only my most favorite people ever? Yes! Yes! and Yes!<br />
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I definitely want to acknowledge that part of my joy in this situation is due to our definite privilege. My husband's job is very secure and he has no problems working from home (considering his boss lives in a different state, 90% of his job was already phone calls, emails, and virtual meetings). It's honestly been a harder adjustment for me to work from home (figuring out how to teach my courses online has been disheartening and disappointing), but my job is also very secure for the time being. Considering how much less we are spending on gas, childcare, and other things right now, we'll probably come out of this situation in a better financial place than otherwise, and that is something that makes me feel incredibly guilty.<br />
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But also, it's my favorite part of the day when I get the kids going on quiet time in the afternoons and amble down to the office and sit across from my husband and we get a few quiet hours together just working and occasionally chatting. He's my favorite office mate by far (he's just so nice to look at, even with the quarantine beard he's growing out of laziness...). It feels so perfect, like exactly the life I would design if I could design a life (except with a live-in Mary Poppins nanny, probably, and a cook, and a housekeeper, but that would feel too aristocracy, no?).<br />
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This is not to say that everything has been peaches and cream. I mean, I'm trying to work full time from home with three kids around who need constant attention (my 3-year-old in particular is in that difficult stage of, well, being 3, and she wants to be attached at my hip and wants me to do nothing but give her my undivided attention and is also trying to drop her nap and I'm just like, sweetheart, I love you, but you must nap until you are 22, because I need that break from your overwhelming strong little personality!). But we have a loose structured routine in place that means I'm getting between three and four hours of work in a day (which is not enough, but with Saturdays I'm barely keeping my head above water), and the kids are keeping relatively entertained with only a slight increase in screen time (2 hours a day, instead of the 1.5 they used to get, but I can swallow that, desperate times and all).<br />
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And while my oldest is bummed his second grade year ended so abruptly, one amazing upside of quarantine is that NOBODY IS SICK! Apparently quarantining and social distancing and not spending six hours a day in the germ swamp of daycare takes care of more than just the Corona virus! For the first time since October nobody has a cough or a runny nose or a random unexplainable fever, and I'm not dealing with the major curse of my life, which is that constant panic feeling of trying to figure out if I can afford to stay home with the sick kid, or if I need to find a babysitter, or if with a little baby Tylenol they can squeak through a school day (awful choices, all of them). I just have to say I am so relieved to get a reprieve from that constant stress cycle.<br />
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So yes, I am worried about vulnerable family who might get sick, and vulnerable friends who are struggling with job insecurity, and I'm really feeling for all the mental health issues this quarantine is causing (some of my students are particularly struggling, it's hard). But personally, I'm living my dream, and I don't know if it's going to make anyone else feel better to hear that, but I always like to look for the good, and right now there is so much good in my life.<br />
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The one major downside of this new routine (aside from feeling frantically behind in my work all the time) is that I've lost my commute! Which means I've lost my audio book listening time! And considering every spare moment not dedicated to childcare is dedicated to work, my reading life has really, really struggled. I'm hoping once this semester is over and summer break comes along I'll have more time for pleasure reading (and blogging a bit more here), but right now my numbers are really taking a hit. I finished only five books in March, and only one of those has been since the quarantine started, so that's discouraging. Still, they were all fantastic, so let's dive in already and talk about them!<br />
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<i> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34051011-pachinko">Pachinko</a></i> by Min Jin Lee<br />
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This was a recommend from my little sister, and I must say, I'm surprised I'd never heard of her before. It was a National Book Award finalist, and it was beautiful. It was sweeping, epic, and completely fascinating. It follows a family of Koreans through about five generations, starting in Korea, then through a move to Japan before WWII, then through the war and into the 80s. There was so much I didn't know about Japanese-Korean relations (I had no idea the Japanese were that discriminatory!), and after the war these Koreans were in the very strange position of not being welcome in Japan, but not being able to return to their own country that was being ravaged by war. Anyway, there were a few "parts" I didn't love about this book (the casually sexist way women's bodies were talked about, a few scenes that I felt were tangential and unnecessary, etc.), but in general if you like literary fiction, this is a really strong recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40389231-cold-sassy-tree">Cold Sassy Tree</a></i> by Olive Ann Burns<br />
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This is a classic that had never been on my radar, but when my friend <a href="http://www.sunlitpages.com/">Amy </a>gives a <a href="http://www.sunlitpages.com/2020/02/cold-sassy-tree-by-olive-ann-burns.html">glowing review</a>, I move things to the top of my "MUST READ NOW" list. And this was fantastic, such a fun and beautiful book to immerse myself in. The writing is just lovely, the voice of the narrator (a fourteen year old boy) in early 1900s Georgia was just pitch perfect. Being set in the south during this time, there are things that don't age well (they've only just started celebrating the 4th of July for the first time since the Civil War!!!), and I could see people taking offense. And honestly, I have my own issues with the main story line (a romance between the grandfather and his new wife, whom he scandalously married a mere three weeks after his first wife dies). But all in all, this is a strong recommend. Why is it that the greatest American writers of the early twentieth century came out of the south? I don't know, but this book is a classic for sure.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40776644-the-moment-of-lift">The Moment of Lift</a></i> by Melinda Gates<br />
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This is less a memoir (though there are biographical tidbits), and more a discussion of Melinda Gates philanthropic work with her and Bill Gate's foundation, and it is fantastic. I highly recommend it. The main message is that societies that oppress women tend to languish in poverty and have all sorts of problems, whereas societies that begin to educate, respect, and protect the rights of women begin to flourish. The pattern is remarkable, and the Gates' work has just been phenomenal. I've read some about this topic before (<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6260997-half-the-sky?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=wwlQBnEjap&rank=1">Half the Sky</a></i> has a very similar message), but this book gave me some new stuff to think about (I've not spend a lot of time thinking about birth control before, but the research on the positive impact of birth control was super thought-provoking). I have to admit my favorite part was the glimpse into the Gates family life (Bill Gates drove his kids to school, and participated in dinner clean up by washing the dishes every night!!!). Anyway, this is a strong recommend!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17349222-this-is-the-story-of-a-happy-marriage">This is the Story of a Happy Marriage</a></i> by Ann Patchett<br />
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Last month I read Patchett's <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28214365-commonwealth?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=FSmqmn16hz&rank=1">Commonwealth</a></i>, and my friend <a href="https://www.toloveandtolearn.com/">Torrie</a> <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2020/03/books-i-read-in-february.html?showComment=1583862128575#c4356156164736266469">commented</a> that she thought Patchett would make a better essayist than novelist. So, here I stumbled into a collection of her essays (or articles published in various magazines)! And yes, she is a fantastic essayist! But reading them collected altogether like this felt like reading <i>Commonwealth</i>, like trying to piece together the coherent narrative of her biography, except all you get are these little snippets, and then it doesn't build to any sort of meaningful ending. So anyway, I still enjoyed it very much (some essays more than others), but I would not call this one a must read, especially if you aren't already a die hard Patchett fan.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13259960-the-smartest-kids-in-the-world">The Smartest Kids in the World</a></i> by Amanda Ripley<br />
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I used to be a teacher (seventh grade English for one year), my mom has been a teacher for 30 years, both my sisters have teaching degrees, and I have a lot of contacts in the education world. I have opinions. I have strong opinions about education and the right way to do things. And I always felt like I had the inside knowledge to justify those opinions. But this book honestly managed to make me reconsider my opinions, and changed my mind on several things. Basically, I felt like it was mind-blowing. The American education system has a lot of problems, and this book offers some pretty concrete things we could do to fix them. I'm not saying we should be Korea (because no, that system is very broken in its own way), but we should definitely be more like Finland. Definitely. Highly, highly recommend this book to everyone.<br />
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Okay, that was it. Not a fantastic month numbers-wise, but a really strong month quality-wise. If you've read any of these, I'd love to hear your thoughts! And I hope your quarantine reading is going better than mine! April will probably be another rough month for me (honestly, I shouldn't be taking the time to write this blog post, I'm so behind on grading and my dissertation proposal right now), but I hope I can make up for it in the summer!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-50851696309777579202020-03-10T13:29:00.000-05:002020-03-10T13:29:33.439-05:00The Story of my Exams<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Just a little light medieval poetry beach reading during my cruise!</i></div>
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I met with my advisor two days before my PhD exams were to take place, and he said to me, "I don't know how you're doing it. When I took my exams, I didn't have kids, I had a lightened teaching load, I had nothing to do but read and read and read."<br />
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That is what most PhD candidates get. They get six months of really focused time. No distractions. All in on preparing for this most momentous rite of passage. They read and read and study and read and take notes and review notes and memorize facts and read some more, until they can't tell night from day and their heads are swimming in the haze of academic scholarly jargon.<br />
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But me? Well, yeah, first there's the fact that I have three kids who must be fed and washed and coddled and put to bed every single day. But that's just par for the course in this whole experience of me getting a PhD.<br />
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No, the real kicker was when they pushed my exam date back. I was supposed to take my exams in November, before Thanksgiving, but then there was a scheduling snafu and everything had to be pushed back, and the next available date for my exams was January 24th, one week into the new semester. We had not planned on this setback. We had not planned on this when we invited my entire family to stay with us for Christmas. We had not planned on this when we booked our Disney cruise for early January. And I had certainly not planned on this when I agreed to teach a double prep semester so I could design an entirely new dream course from scratch.<br />
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So yes, the month before I took my exams, when other PhD students would be reading for hours a day, I was cleaning my house and preparing for guests and cooking massive holiday meals and baking three cakes for the three separate birthdays and organizing a baptism program for my oldest son. I was traveling for New Years, and getting sick.<br />
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Three weeks before my exams, I was driving down to Florida with my family for a five day four night cruise to the Bahamas. Two weeks before my exams, I was getting home from said cruise and doing all the laundry and unpacking and desperately trying to throw together the syllabi for my two courses. One week before my exams, I was reading Plato (not part of my exam reading lists) and lesson prepping like mad for the first week of class. Three days before my exams, my husband left on a business trip.<br />
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I about flipped out on him when I found out about that trip. I told him, no. You are not allowed to go on a business trip during the most stressful week of my academic career. You are supposed to take one for the team, take over the cooking and bedtime routine so I can hole up in the office and just study. But of course, there's not much he could do to change the situation (he's at the mercy of his boss, after all), so as a compromise he called up his parents and dropped off the two little kids on his way out of town. But I still had the oldest one to get to and from school and cook for and figure out what to do with when Friday the 24th ended up being a snow day for him with the schools shut down. I was panicked my university would shut down too, and we'd have to delay my exams again, but thankfully they just opened campus a few hours late. So I brought my boy into campus with me, and he sat in my office watching movies for three hours while I sat my exams. It did nothing for my stress levels, but it could've been worse.<br />
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So yes, that's where I was when my advisor said, "I don't know how you're doing it." I didn't know how I was doing it either, and honestly, I wasn't sure I was doing it. I was not at all sure I was going to pass my exams.<br />
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I mean, I'd done a lot of reading. I'd had my lists put together since last June, and I'd been reading ever since then. But that was part of the problem. I'd read some of the pieces so long ago that I couldn't actually remember them. I sat in my office the day before my exams looking over the hundred plus items on my list, and some of the titles looked completely foreign. Nothing but a blank. I couldn't remember a single thing about them. Looking through my notes, I saw that I had read them, but some times my notes weren't extremely thorough (it's so hard to know whats going to be important to know), and I wondered if there was any way I could re-read Shakespeare's entire canon in 24 hours, along with all the scholarship on him.<br />
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I was panicked. I simply had not had the time. I had not been able to focus for the past month, I had not been able to put in the work I needed to, and I'd forgotten everything. I had been pulled in too many directions, and I just knew that compared to every other grad student in my program, I was going to come up short. There was no way I could compete.<br />
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I did not sleep well that night. I lay in bed thinking over titles and scholarly articles and character names and couldn't shut my brain down. I was also stressed about the weather, and kept obsessively checking my weather app and email throughout the night to see just how much snow was falling and whether the schools were going to shut down.<br />
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Finally, about 5:00 AM, I gave up, and rolled out of bed, and fell to my knees. I prayed. I poured my soul out to God, and I said, "It has not been enough. I have not had enough time, I have not had enough energy, and I am not prepared the way I need to be. But I promise you that I have done absolutely everything I could. I have tried my hardest, I have worked my hardest. I have taken care of my family first, but I have also done everything I could to prepare for these exams. I did not want this. I did not want a PhD. I did not want to leave my children. I have done this because I felt it was a command from you, Lord, and it has not been easy. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done."<br />
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And at this point in the prayer I just broke down sobbing. Because it has been so hard. I break a little inside every day when I drop my daughter off at daycare and she has to be pried off me crying and screaming by her teacher (every. single. day). I break a little when I miss every volunteer opportunity at my son's school because I'm working. I break a little at the panic every time a child gets sick and I have to figure out how to be in two places at once. I break a little every time I snap at my children to get to bed already because I have hours of work ahead of me every night. I break every single day. It has been so hard. It has been a sacrifice, one that I would not have the strength to keep doing if I was not 100% sure that God wanted me to do this. Most of the time I focus on the positive. I focus on the privilege it is for me to be doing this, on the joy I get out of teaching and doing the research (and I really get a lot of joy out of this). But that morning, on my knees alone before my God, I sobbed for the hard parts. For the parts I did not ask to take on.<br />
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After probably a good ten minutes of ugly crying, I finally pulled myself together enough to finish my prayer, "I consecrate my efforts to you, Lord. I know that what I have done is not enough, but it is all I have to offer. If my offering is acceptable, if you truly wish me to get a PhD, then I demand my right to the companionship of the Holy Ghost today. I demand your divine help to get through this." Perhaps my language was not the most respectful. Perhaps it is not advisable to make demands of a Supreme Being. But, I will say that I was immediately blessed with peace. My panic and anxiety simply melted away. This was, and has always been, the Lord's PhD, not mine. It was in his hands, whether I was going to pass or fail, and I let the burden of it go.<br />
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I got up, went through my morning routine, got my son packed up and ready to go, and drove through a beautiful snowy landscape to campus. I felt like even the snow was a blessing, a peace offering, the gift of a beautiful, calm, serene landscape designed singularly for my pleasure at this moment. God saying he loved me.<br />
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I got to campus, got my son settled with the ipad and his movies, and went upstairs to the conference room where my exams were being held. I sat down in the big chair at the head of the table, greeted the five faculty members of my committee, and the questions began.<br />
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The only way I can describe the next three hours is to say that they were delightful. Even fun. I actually wondered at one point if my committee was purposefully trying to make this easy, because it was just three hours of fascinating back and forth conversation about the most interesting aspects of my research with these incredibly intelligent people. At moments the conversation was so engaging that I even forgot it was an exam. It just felt like fun. At the end of three hours, I was even a little bit sad it was over, because we hadn't been able to talk about everything! There was so much more to discuss! But the end had come, and they sent me out of the room while they deliberated on my performance. A few minutes later, my advisor came out to call me back in the room, and was the first to congratulate me on passing my exam.<br />
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But it got even more amazing than that. As they went around the room congratulating me, the members of my committee repeatedly volunteered comments like:<br />
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"If we were allowed to give honors, you would've passed with honors."<br />
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"This was the best exam I've sat for at least ten years, maybe more!"<br />
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"You were impressive, so impressive! So calm and poised, and you just knew everything!"<br />
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(Even now, weeks later, I still get compliments whenever I see any of my committee, about how impressive my exam performance was.)<br />
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I smiled and took their compliments in stride. I didn't know how to tell them it wasn't me. Honor and praise to the Lord my God, who for some unexplained reason has chosen to work through me, magnify me, for some purpose I do not understand.<br />
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There was a whirlwind of activity after the exams finished: lots of congratulations from interested parties, gathering my son and his belongings, driving out to Missouri to pick up my younger two kids, meeting up with my husband who came home early from his work trip with the flu (we were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate, instead we just went home and I made soup), putting everyone to bed, but finally the house was quiet again, and I had the opportunity to finally kneel again. To pour out a prayer of gratitude.<br />
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I still do not understand why I have been called to get a PhD. I do not comprehend the purpose. I don't see a path after graduation. All I know is that I have never received more clear revelation in my life, and it has been reaffirmed over and over and over again. This PhD is the Lord's work.<br />
<br />
Have you ever felt the Lord working through you to achieve some greater end?<br />
<br />
Usually, when you hear stories about it, the Lord's work is fairly obvious. The stories are about blessing lives, healing bodies or souls, growing the church, missionary work... something that makes sense in the context of the Lord's work.<br />
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I have no idea how a PhD in English is serving the Lord's work. It makes zero sense to me. It is entirely possible that it is a work of personal growth and fulfillment, simply meant for me. But even if that is all it is, I still feel the greatness of the work. I feel the guidance of his hand, the brilliant ideas when I need them, and the constant spiritual pressure of "Yes, yes, this is important!"<br />
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It is humbling. It is almost strange. But it is an absolute privilege to live a life consecrated to the Lord's work, to feel his hand guide my life, to feel Him carry me through such moments.<br />
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I am eternally grateful for the privilege of seeing such miracles in my life, even if I don't understand why. Even if it is hard.Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-28578663223668433592020-03-09T15:04:00.001-05:002020-03-09T15:04:46.481-05:00Books I Read in FebruaryHi Guys! Clearly, I'm not getting as much time to write this semester as I wanted (having a two prep semester is killing me, well, that and the fact that my kids keep getting sick), but this week I'm on Spring Break!!! We're going on a mini road-trip later this week, but I'm hoping to sneak in some writing time before we leave. We'll see, I also need to catch up on laundry and housework and all the other things, so this may be the only post that actually gets posted. But still, happy Spring Break!<br />
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February was a fairly decent month for reading (especially for being a day or two shorter than the other months), and I'm excited to talk about some of these titles, so let's jump in!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/77197.Assassin_s_Apprentice">Royal Assassin</a></i> by Robin Hobb<br />
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I started this trilogy in January, and continued on with this second book in the series at the start of February. It did not disappoint.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33396914-assassin-s-quest"><i>Assassin's Quest</i> </a>by Robin Hobb<br />
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I immediately continued on to the third book, and this one was long. Way too long in my opinion (757 pages, according to Goodreads). I think many parts of this should've been cut, but regardless, I stuck with it and found it a mostly satisfying conclusion. I still highly recommend the series to all fans of high fantasy (I'm going to make my husband read it once he finishes <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/41526-the-wheel-of-time">Wheel of Time</a></i>, because I know he'll love it).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/16178.Dairy_Queen">Dairy Queen</a></i> by Catherine Gilbert Murdock<br />
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This was my seasonal read. I was looking for something light and fun to get me in the mood for Valentine's Day, and this delivered. Sweet and cute, a little unique high school romance (the girl decides to go out for the football team), but I wasn't invested enough to keep going with the series.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18693771-the-body-keeps-the-score">The Body Keeps the Score</a></i> by Bessel van der Kolk<br />
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This book was so good, and so fascinating, but is by no means an easy read, as it is mostly about childhood trauma, and there are definitely a few really disturbing stories of incest and abuse. Van der Kolk is a therapist who started off working with veterans when PTSD was just beginning to be recognized as a thing, and then he moved to a civilian clinic and started noticing the same symptoms in his patients who had suffered abuse as children. While I could never be a therapist, I am super fascinated by how the brain works and how mental illness works, and the more and more I learn about trauma (and about how almost all of us suffer from trauma to varying degrees) the more convinced I am that this is one of the most important things we as a society can work on to fix many of our biggest social problems. Van der Kolk's work is very hopeful, and he discusses a range of therapies from Prozac to the more woo-woo (yoga, theater, and some other kind of out there stuff). This is not an easy book to read (hello, it discusses really awful child abuse), but it is definitely one I recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42201996-ask-again-yes">Ask Again, Yes</a></i> by Mary Beth Keane<br />
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This was a serendipitously perfect book to follow <i>The Body Keeps the Score</i>, because it is a book about generational trauma, and it seemed fairly accurate to see how these characters responded to abuse and neglect. This makes it sound like a super depressing book, and yes, it is difficult, but I think it ends in a rather hopeful place. It was beautifully written, and is probably a general recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43923951-such-a-fun-age">Such a Fun Age</a> </i>by Kiley Reid<br />
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(Side note, look at the cover of these two very different books... strangely similar, no?) Oh man, I have such conflicted feelings about this one. On one hand, I found it tackled really complex race issues (and issues of inter-racial nanny/employee stuff that I've had to deal with myself), and I think it would make a fantastic book club book. On the other hand, it was also kind of fluffy, and had a lot of swearing, and I don't know that I loved it. It gave me stuff to think about, that's for sure.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28214365-commonwealth"><i>Commonwealth</i> </a>by Ann Patchett<br />
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This was my second Patchett novel (I read <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44318414-the-dutch-house?from_search=true&qid=bIyu7hDCTk&rank=3">The Dutch House</a></i> back in December), and my favorite so far, but the pattern seems to be that I'm incredibly in love with her writing at the sentence level, but don't "get" the point of her stories. Is there a point? All I know is that I need to read more of her words, because I just love being in the middle of her stories. The ends leave me a little empty and confused, though. This one had a really interesting story that jumped back and forth in time and it was like piecing together a giant puzzle, but in the end some of the pieces still seemed to be missing... but I still liked it? But what was the "point" of the story? I don't know... Still a general recommend!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44107480-lovely-war">Lovely War</a></i> by Julie Berry<br />
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Okay, I'd read some super rave reviews of this one before I picked it up, so I went in with sky high expectations, and then felt like it didn't "quite" live up to what I was expecting. It was like just another (really good) war story romance (which I've already read a million of). But the more and more I think about it, and the more and more I consider the genius of the framing element (Greek gods in a New York hotel room, totally weird for some people, but trust me, it's genius), the more and more I like it. I think I'm going to want to re-read this one some day. It's YA, but it's fantastic. Highly, highly recommend (and pro-tip, listen to the audio book, music plays a big role in the story and the audio does a great job with that).<br />
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So there we go, eight books. A pretty good month, with some rather good books. Have you read any of these? What were your thoughts?Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-5291227443767212122020-02-12T21:32:00.000-06:002020-02-12T21:32:36.745-06:00Magic Words, Magic Books, Magic Language<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In my English department, graduate students who have completed at least two years of coursework are allowed to apply to design and teach their own 200 level course on any sort of literary topic they desire. A little over a year ago, after reading <i>A Wizard of Earthsea</i>, I got this idea for a possible course topic that got me really excited. When I finished up my coursework last spring, I was eligible to apply, so I wrote up a course proposal, submitted it, and got accepted to teach my own English 203 course this semester.<br />
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With my exams being scheduled for the first week of the semester, the timing for designing a completely new course from scratch was a little crazy, but everything else about teaching this new class has been AMAZING! As in, this is seriously so far the best teaching experience I've ever had in my life. Every single class session has just been incredibly interesting discussion about really fascinating topics, with students who are interesting and enthusiastic and willing to engage (not my usual experience with freshman writing classes). And I suspect that many of my readers here would be just as interested by the ideas and discussions we're having in my class, so a few months ago I decided I would post the syllabus here and invite you all to join in on my reading assignments (if you wish). Even if you don't join with the reading, I want a place to sort of organize and record my lecture notes and ideas that come out of class discussion, so every week or so (really probably every other week if I'm lucky), I'll try to post some of the more exciting ideas and questions to come out of our class. I'm hoping you, my dear readers, will enjoy this peek into my college classroom.<br />
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My original plan was to get these posts going from the beginning of the semester, but here we are four weeks in (I blame exams, then catching the flu). So I'll be trying to play a little catch up. But for now, here is the course description and reading syllabus using my actual course dates (the class meets Tuesdays and Thursdays). I've provided links where I can to texts.<br />
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<b>Course Title:</b> English 203: Magic Words, Magic Books, Magic Language<br />
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<b>Course Description:</b> This course will explore the relationship between magic and language. Magic (the power to exert one's will upon humans and nature outside of natural laws) has always had a deeply interconnected relationship with language. Witches recite incantations and cast "spells." Runes written over ancient tombs both warn of and enact curses. Spirits and daemons can be called if one knows their "true names." Magic books, spell books, and grimoires become objects of power simply by virtue of having magic words written in them.<br />
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But in reality, there is nothing inherently "magical" about language. Words, spoken or written, are truly nothing more than puffs of air or lines of ink on paper, and yet in our magic stories language consistently has the power not just to facilitate human social communication, but to command the very cosmos. Why do our stories give language the power to enact magic? This is the question we will seek to answer as we read various texts across time and genres. This class will be divided into three units, each focusing on a different aspect of this relationship. Unit 1 will explore the idea of magic names and spoken words. Unit 2 will look at the power of writing and symbols. And Unit 3 will explore magic books and grimoires.<br />
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<b>Reading Assignment Schedule:</b><br />
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<u>Unit 1: Magic Names and Spoken Words</u><br />
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T 1/21 - Course Introduction<br />
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Th 1/23 - <i><a href="https://brianrabern.net/Plato-Cratylus.pdf">Cratylus</a></i> by Plato; <a href="https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/cb41/a70d25abce8718dd680894c8c68edfb3ffe5.pdf"><i>A Course in General Linguistics</i> "Part 1 General Principles: Chapter 1"</a> by Ferdinand de Saussure<br />
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T 1/21 - <a href="https://pure.mpg.de/rest/items/item_2271128/component/file_2271430/content"><i>How To Do Things With Words </i>"Lecture 1"</a> by J. L. Austin; <a href="https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Genesis-Chapter-1/">Genesis Chapter 1</a> from the <i>Bible</i><br />
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Th 1/30 - <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13642.A_Wizard_of_Earthsea?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=5ZwotjKe5v&rank=1">A Wizard of Earthsea</a></i> by Ursula K. LeGuin Chapters 1-2<br />
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T 2/4 - <i>A Wizard of Earthsea</i> Chapters 3-5<br />
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Th 2/6 - <i>A Wizard of Earthsea</i> Chapter 6; Name Essay Assignment Sheet<br />
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T 2/11 - <i>A Wizard of Earthsea </i>Chapter 7-9<br />
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Th 2/13 - <i>A Wizard of Earthsea </i>Chapter 10<br />
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T 2/18 - Draft of Name Essay due; Peer Review<br />
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Th 2/20 - Final Drafts of Name Essay due; Unit 1 Reflection<br />
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<u>Unit 2: Magic Writing and Symbols</u><br />
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T 2/25 - <i>Gutenberg's Galaxy</i> excerpt by Marshall McLuhan; <i><a href="https://andalusonline.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Orality-and-Literacy-by-Walter-J.-Ong.pdf">Orality and Literacy</a></i> excerpts by Walter Ong<br />
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Th 2/27 - <a href="https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Weird_Tales/Volume_11/Issue_2/The_Call_of_Cthulhu">"The Call of Cthulhu"</a> by H.P. Lovecraft, first half; Short Paper Assignment Sheet<br />
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T 3/3 - "The Call of Cthulhu" second half<br />
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Th 3/5 - How to write a literary analysis<br />
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T 3/10 - Spring Break<br />
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Th 3/10 - Spring Break<br />
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T 3/17 - <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13578175-the-emperor-s-soul?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=a8UYhQo0Ji&rank=1">The Emperor's Soul</a></i> by Brandon Sanderson, first half<br />
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Th 3/19 - <i>The Emperor's Soul</i> second half<br />
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T 3/24 - Draft of Short Paper due; Peer Review<br />
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Th 3/26 - Final Drafts of Short Paper due; Unit 2 Reflection<br />
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<u>Unit 3; Magic Books</u><br />
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T 3/31 - <i><a href="http://www.lem.seed.pr.gov.br/arquivos/File/livrosliteraturaingles/faustus.pdf">Doctor Faustus </a></i>Act 1 by Christopher Marlowe (A Text); Final Project Assignment Sheet<br />
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Th 4/2 - <i>Doctor Faustus</i> Act 2<br />
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T 4/7 - <i>Doctor Faustus </i>Act 3-4<br />
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Th 4/9 - <i>Doctor Faustus </i>Act 5<br />
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T 4/14 - <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15881.Harry_Potter_and_the_Chamber_of_Secrets?from_search=true&qid=sOQb64seJX&rank=1">Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets</a></i> Chapters 1-6<i> </i>by J.K. Rowling<br />
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Th 4/16 - <i>Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets</i> Chapters 7-8<br />
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T 4/21 - Conferences<br />
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Th 4/30 - Conferences<br />
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T 4/28 - <i>Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets </i>Chapter 9-15<br />
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Th 4/30 - <i>Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets</i> Chapters 16-18<br />
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T 5/5 - Presentations<br />
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Th 5/7 - Presentations<br />
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Okay, there it is! So, what do you think? Does this look like a fun class? I promise, even if you're not that into fantasy, if you like words and language, you will most likely be very interested in the discussions from this class. I'm really excited to share a bit more about this here!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-16041473200734520142020-02-10T06:00:00.000-06:002020-02-10T06:00:14.262-06:00Books I Read in JanuaryWell, everyone complained and complained about how interminably long January was, but for me it slipped by way too quickly, without leaving any time for me to get around to any of the things I wanted to get around to. Like writing up a post all about my goals for the New Year, or reviews of all the fabulous books I've read but haven't had time to write about here like I really want to!<br />
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So, what have I been doing with all my time instead? Well, let me tell it this way:<br />
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Have you ever known anyone who has gotten a PhD? Did you witness them go through the process of preparing for and taking their exams? Comps? Orals? Whatever they're called (each program is different), exams are usually the pinnacle of stress and anxiety for the PhD student. Most PhD candidates, when preparing for their exams, completely clear their schedules, break off all social ties, and hibernate in dark caves reading like mad and taking furious notes trying to master everything that can possibly be known about anything. Many programs even offer reduced or cancelled teaching loads while preparing for exams. I, on the other hand, spent the month leading up to my exams: hosting most of my family for Christmas, celebrating three family birthdays, planning and hosting a baptism for my oldest, traveling for New Years, going on a week-long Disney cruise (oh yeah, I really want to post some pictures of that some time, maybe, if you care), and prepping for two courses (one of them brand new). Oh, and let's not forget the three children I had to feed, clothe (i.e. do their laundry), clean up after, and care for all day long, meaning I only had a few hours in the evening to actually work on my exam prep.<br />
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Basically, what I'm trying to say is that going into my exams, I did not feel prepared. In fact, I felt downright panicky. My attention had been so consumed by family obligations throughout the holidays and time leading up the exams that I figured there was simply no way I could measure up to all those other students, the ones with no children or outside responsibilities, who could devote 100% of their energy to studying.<br />
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To make a long story short: I passed. But remind me to tell you the longer version of this story some time, because it is a story of spiritual blessings and tender mercies and the visible hand of the Lord guiding my life once again. It's a story that needs to be recorded.<br />
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I celebrated passing my exams by catching the flu, along with the rest of my family, and that brutal illness took us through the end of January and the first week of February. So here I am now, crawling my way back from survival mode and finally getting around to all those things I put off for the last six months while I devoted all my spare time to exam prep. Like writing for this blog. Oh, how I long to get back to writing in this space!<br />
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And there is so much to write about! Because despite all the busy busy things, there was still plenty of time for listening to books (hello car-ride down to Florida!), and I actually managed to finish eight books last month. Let's get into them!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43575115-the-starless-sea">The Starless Sea</a> </i>by Erin Morgenstern<br />
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When I read <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9361589-the-night-circus?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=yLLNJX4NRt&rank=1">The Night Circus</a> </i>almost seven years ago (fun fact, it was the first book I reviewed on this blog!), I fell forever in love with Morgenstern's writing style. This book, her second, completely confirmed that Morgenstern is my kindred spirit, but only in certain ways. In other ways, we are very, very different people (I'm not into video games). This whole book is a story that is a love letter to stories. I loved that so much. But other parts of this book almost broke down because of that, as in, it was so in love with stories that it forgot to be a good story itself. Or, it became some kind of messed up mishmash of Alice in Wonderland and Inception and didn't feel super coherent. But that also just made me feel like I was in some medieval allegory, and I just need to read it again to fully understand it. All this is to say that I can't decide how I feel about this book: some parts are deep love, and other parts are more like loathing. Not really in the middle. It's certainly not for everyone and not a general recommend, but I will be rereading it again, and probably writing a whole post with my favorite quotes (hopefully).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/615570.The_Artist_s_Way">The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity</a> </i> by Julia Cameron<br />
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I picked this one up because some people I follow on Instagram talk about it a lot and religiously write their morning pages, and it sounded interesting. It's a little bit more of a program (ten weeks, or something like that), so it didn't make for a great audio book listen. I think this summer I'll try revisiting it and actually follow the program outline a little bit more, but the gist is that all people are creative, and you need to do certain things to nurture your creativity. One of her biggest pieces for doing that is called morning pages, or three pages of brain dumping you're supposed to write every morning. I love the idea of a daily writing practice, and I'm trying to figure out my schedule now to make that happen, so we'll see how I feel about this when/if I give the program an actual try.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40745.Mindset"><i>Mindset</i> </a>by Carol Dweck<br />
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I've heard so much about Carol Dweck and her fixed mindset vs. growth mindset theory that I figured I didn't need to read the actual book, I had it figured out. But I'm so glad I read it (for book club) because it was totally worth it. I'd kind of assumed that growth mindset applied mostly to education and a love of learning (which is clearly something I already have), but I cam to realize that it's so much more than that. It's believing you can grow in <i>any</i> area of life, social, emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, etc. So I came to realize that I have a growth mindset in some areas, but a fixed mindset in others. And it definitely gave me some things to think about with raising kids. All very good stuff, and I highly recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37946426-joyful">Joyful</a></i> by Ingrid Fetell Lee<br />
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This is another one that really deserves it's own post, because I have lots to say about it. What a delightful book this was! I just felt happy every time I picked it up to keep reading. Here's how I would describe this book: If you're familiar with Carol Tuttle's energy profiling system, I would describe this as a Type 1's manifesto. The vast majority of the things Lee described as bringing joy and happiness (bright colors, light, round bubbles, rainbows, etc.) almost point for point fit with Tuttle's Type 1 profile. I am not a Type 1 myself, and therefore disagreed with the way Lee characterized these things as universal. For instance, Lee recommends that everyone should paint their houses bright beautiful colors because it will make us all happier that the neutrals whites and creams and grays we all seem to live in. However, from personal experience I can say that bright paint colors don't work for everyone. This one time in high school, my mom let my younger sister pick out the colors for our shared bedroom makeover, and she decided to paint over our lavender colored walls with a bright yellow, and buy a lime green bedspread. I had trouble falling asleep for weeks after that because the room was just so bright and high energy. Give me those gray walls, I'll sleep like a baby. I'm just not that energy type. So while I won't be following all of Lee's advice for bringing joy into my life, there were tons of other interesting and thought-provoking tidbits that I want to write some more about. It was an extremely happy book, and I highly recommend it.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/77197.Assassin_s_Apprentice">Assassin's Apprentice</a> </i>by Robin Hobb<br />
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I was looking for a nice meaty fantasy to sink my teeth into, and accidentally stumbled on this, but it sure fit the bill! Really fun world, really fun magic system, interesting politics, well written... I'm just surprised I had heard of it before. It's a trilogy, and I've already read the second and am in the middle of the third. I highly recommend!<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36077176-jackpot"><i>Jackpot</i> </a>by Nic Stone<br />
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I was looking for escapist YA romance, saw this one get recommended somewhere, and immediately found it on my library app. And it actually ended up having quite a bit more meat to it than I expected: lots of thought-provoking questions about class and money, poverty and wealth. It was good for what it was, and I may even pick up <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24974996-dear-martin"><i>Dear Martin</i> </a>some time (that one seems much more focused on race issues, which were much less center stage in this one). I'm still not sure how I feel about the ending, but if you like contemporary YA with a dose of meaty issues, this one is pretty good.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43124133-ayesha-at-last"><i>Ayesha at Last</i> </a>by Usma Jalaluddin<br />
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So this was a contemporary Canadian Muslim <i>Pride and Prejudice</i> retelling that's been getting just a bit of buzz recently. Obviously, I had to read it. How is it that Jane Austen's story fits so universally into so many cultures? I guess because every culture puts so much pressure on young women to get married. Anyway, I'm not going to say that this book was amazing (I actually forgot I read it until pulling up my records to write this post), but it was very good for what it was, and I learned quite a few interesting details about Muslim communities and customs. I would still love to talk to an actual Muslim about this, because it was quite down on arranged marriage (obviously I am too, I just wondered if that was a fair portrayal of faithful Muslim beliefs). Anyway, I think it's a recommend, generally speaking.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32860355-alex-and-eliza#">Alex and Eliza</a></i> by Melissa de la Cruz<br />
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Not sure I ever would've picked this one up on my own, but my book club picked it as our February read (seasonal). I kind of had to disassociate it from the actual historical reality of Hamilton and Eliza (and the musical), and think of it as just a cheesy fictional historical love story, and then it wasn't so bad. A little ridiculous at times, but nice fun fluff. However, now I'm itching to pick up <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41014257-my-dear-hamilton?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=W54gecYQ0J&rank=1">My Dear Hamilton</a> </i>to learn about the real couple's love story, as I understand that one is based quite a bit more on actual historical sources.<br />
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And there you go. That was my January reading month. Not too shabby for such a busy month, but I am going to have to pick up my pace a bit to hit my goal of 100 books this year. I'm not worried. Have you read any of these? What are your thoughts?Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-76117064434260407442019-12-31T18:30:00.000-06:002019-12-31T18:30:34.476-06:002019 Reading Year in Review (Top Ten)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well, it's New Year's Eve. I've just survived an intense week of hosting family, celebrating three birthdays along with Christmas, and organizing a baptism ceremony and after party for my oldest son. It was a busy week that involved long hours in the kitchen (so many people to cook for), lots of movie watching, and late nights playing games and chatting. It was so much fun. Too much fun, because now I'm suffering from a raging head cold. My company flew home yesterday, and this morning we drove up to my sister-in-law's house to celebrate New Years. I've retreated to the basement bedroom to try to sleep off said head cold and avoid spreading my germs around, but apparently I'm too congested to sleep, so I guess I'll do something semi-productive, or at least restfully fun, which is to reflect on my reading year here.<br />
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Guys, it was a banner year for reading for me. My goal was to read 75 books. The final count on Goodreads says I read a 116 books, but it seems to be counting <i>A Christmas Carol</i> twice for some reason, so I think it's actually 115. And that is not counting any of the read alouds I did with my son, nor any of the (many) books I've been reading for my exam prep at school. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I read a load of books, more than I've read in any year before, and I can't really explain the pace. I guess I just figured out how to fit audio books into more parts of my life, and all I can say is, thank heavens for audio books! I love them with all my heart.<br />
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Last year I made all sorts of fun charts breaking down my reading stats (how many books I read in each genre, how many were re-reads, how many were audio books vs. paper books, etc.), but I don't really have the brain power for that right now (remember that raging head cold thing?) so for now we'll just stick with my Top Ten list. Although I will say, glancing over all the books I've read, most of them were audio books (obviously), I did more re-reading this year than I've ever done in the past (and I don't regret that at all, although for my list I kept it to strictly new-to-me reads), and I read a ton of fiction/fantasy, but for some reason my Top Ten list seems to be leaning heavily towards the nonfiction. ???<br />
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Another note on this Top Ten list that I feel like I have to make every year. This is just the list that struck me today. If I had written this list yesterday, or if I were to write it tomorrow, it could contain an entirely different set of books. I read a lot of goods one this, and I could've and maybe should've included so many others on this list. But here's how the list looks right now:<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20342617-just-mercy">Just Mercy</a></i> by Bryan Stevenson - This was a December read, so I don't have a review of it up yet, but let's just say I really want to write a longer review of this, because it was a powerful book that gave me quite a bit to think about. I really, really recommend it.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3008.A_Little_Princess">A Little Princess</a></i> by Frances Hodgson Burnett - What a classic! I loved this book, and can't believe it took me this long to read! I will definitely be re-reading this one.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36300637-the-enchanted-hour">The Enchanted Hour</a></i> by Meghan Cox Gurden - If you loved <i>Read Aloud Family</i>, chances are you'll love this one. I just can't get enough of books about reading aloud.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1999475.A_Million_Miles_in_a_Thousand_Years">A Million Miles in a Thousand Years</a></i> by Donald Miller - I loved this memoir so much that I changed around my lesson plans to include this book in my course this semester. It's not perfect, but had so many quotes and ideas I just loved so much.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/146198.Hannah_Coulter">Hannah Coulter</a></i> by Wendell Berry - Everything I love about a slow character driven novel. It made me cry, made me want to write my own life story, and made me want to read everything Berry has ever written (if only my library had more of his audio books!)<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38746485-becoming">Becoming</a></i> by Michelle Obama - So good. Just really so good. I related to so many parts of her life story, and found her to be very inspirational.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/95693.The_Blue_Castle">The Blue Castle</a></i> by L.M. Montgomery - Apparently when I like fiction, I can only like fiction by classic safe authors. This is probably not Montgomery's best, but I loved it so much, and was so grateful to discover this gem. I think about Valancy often, and just love her so much. Highly recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35959740-circe">Circe</a></i> by Madeline Miller - Oh look, a new fiction book! I didn't love everything about this book, but I loved so much of it. I loved the poetry of it, the way Greek mythology was woven into this narrative, the themes... it was just so good and beautifully written.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36896898-spinning-silver"><i>Spinning Silver</i> </a>by Naomi Novak - This one was a debated entry on this list, and maybe on a different day it wouldn't have made it. But in the end, I really do have a thing for interesting and meaty historical fiction Russian fairy-tale retellings, and I didn't want this one to end.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153405.Still_Alice">Still Alice</a></i> by Lisa Genova - Another debated entry (and look at that, I guess fiction is equal to nonfiction on this list), but this is a book I still think about all the time, so here it is. I hope no one I love ever gets Alzheimers or dementia, but if they do, I'll be coming back to this one.<br />
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Alright, there it is. Some of the best I read this year (a true best-of list would've included all the Austen books I re-read, but that hardly seems fair). Here's hoping all of you had an excellent reading year as well (what's on your top ten list?). May you all have a Happy New Year, with no head colds for you!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-31734277151837341722019-12-16T15:54:00.001-06:002023-12-30T12:26:25.345-06:00There's Magic For You Too<i>I've started a little tradition of writing a Christmas essay every year. You can read my essay from <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2018/12/birthday-season.html">2018 here</a>, from <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2017/12/the-best-birth-story-of-all.html">2017 here</a>, and from <a href="http://www.suchstuffbooks.com/2015/12/its-about-baby.html">2015 here</a> (I had a baby in December of 2016, nothing traditional happened that year). This essay is a little different than the usual ones, but I hope it still resonates with someone out there.</i><br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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Luke 10: 38-42</div>
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38 Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a
certain village: and a certain woman name Martha received him into her house.</div>
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39 And she had a sister called Mary which also sat at Jesus’
feet, and heard his word.</div>
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40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to
him, and said, Lord, does thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve
alone? Bid her therefore that she help me.</div>
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41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha,
thou art careful and troubled about many things:</div>
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42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good
part, which shall not be taken away from her.</div>
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As a child, I loved Christmas. It was beautiful and twinkly
and magical!</div>
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But my mother hated it. I never understood this. How can you
hate Christmas?</div>
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Now I am a mother, and I understand a little bit more. She
hated Christmas because someone has to create the magic, and creating the magic
is exhausting.</div>
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It is my job now to create the magic. The magic doesn’t make
itself! Someone has to mail the Christmas cards! Someone has to make the
neighbor gifts, and the teacher gifts! Someone has to find the perfect garland
for the mantle, because it’s not going to find itself! Someone has to make the
gingerbread cookies, and volunteer at the class parties, and find the baby
sitter for the office party, and buy the tickets for the show, and plan all the
activities! Someone has to buy the presents and wrap the presents and fill the
stockings! And my goodness, someone has to make all that food! All the holiday
food, for all the guests!</div>
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I am the host now, and I am cumbered about with much
serving. I am careful and troubled about many things.</div>
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And honestly, I have a lot of sympathy for Martha. People
need to be fed, or they get grumpy. Guests need to be taken care of. Children
need to be put down for naps, and fed, and bathed, and put to bed. Dishes need
to be washed. Houses need to be cleaned. Work needs to be done! There is so
much work that always needs to be done, and so much more work at this time of
year. It is good work too. Work in the service of other people. Work to make
them happy, to give them magic. Sometimes I feel a little bit annoyed with
Jesus’ rebuke of Martha. She was cumbered about serving him! She was feeding
him! Making things clean for him!</div>
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And all the work I do at Christmas time, all the magic I
create, is for Him too! I’m serving my family and loved ones, I’m spreading His
love, and I’m helping my children to feel the magic not just of this season,
but the magic of His love. It is a good work, a good service to be cumbered
about with.</div>
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But I’m also exhausted.</div>
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And I feel the itching, the scratching at the back of my mind.
“Mary hath chosen that good part.”</div>
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Christ did not say that Martha’s work was pointless. He did
not say that feeding and caring for others was wrong, or sinful, or that Martha
wasn’t doing good. He simply pointed out that while nurturing others was a
wonderful thing, it was not wonderful to the point of neglecting her own soul.
There is good, and there is better, and there is best.</div>
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Yes, someone needs to make the food and do the dishes. But
no one will starve if Martha sits down for a minute to take care of herself
first. The Lord was gently reminding Martha, and all the wonderful hostesses
and nurturers and caregivers in the world that their own salvation matters too.</div>
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So this Christmas, I’m choosing the good part. Oh, sure, I’m
still hosting my family and will spend hours in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.
I’m still wrapping all the presents and delivering all the neighbor gifts and
making as much magic happen as I can. But I will find as many moments as I can
to sit and listen. To feel my Savior, and what He has to say to me this time of
year. I deserve to be nurtured and spiritually fed too. I deserve to feel the
magic.</div>
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And so do all my fellow mothers and homemakers and hostesses
out there. Yes, we are careful and troubled about many things. But we deserve
to be nurtured too, and our Lord will nurture us if we take the time to stop
and listen. We can stop making the magic happen for others and, at least for a
minute, bask in the magic the Lord is making for us. We can stop cooking and
baking all the things for just a moment to sit and eat of the Bread of Life.
Things will not fall apart. The world will go on spinning. The Lord gave Martha
permission, and you have it too. Permission to take care of your soul.</div>
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What does it matter if we make Christmas so magical for
everyone else that we forget to feel it ourselves?</div>
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And so, if you feel yourself hating the season just little
bit, if you are feeling the stress, the anxiety, the pressure of doing all the
things, if you are feeling careful and troubled about many things, and feel
like lashing out “Lord, dost thou not care that my (insert husband, sister,
mother, father, children, friends, world) hath left me to serve alone!” then
maybe that’s a clue that you need to stop for a moment. Take a seat. Listen.
Choose the good part.</div>
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There’s magic for you too.</div>
<i></i>Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-59887234792969026332019-12-02T14:00:00.000-06:002019-12-02T14:00:02.456-06:00Books I Read in NovemberHi guys! I'm still here, still around, despite my once-a-month posting here and my almost complete non-existence on social media. I've been doing my best to keep my head down and keep focused on preparing for my exams which have now been scheduled officially for January 24, so just under two months of torture left. It will be an incredibly busy two months, with finishing up this semester (so much grading), preparing to host almost my whole family for Christmas, plus planning a baptism (for my oldest) and the usual melee of birthday celebrations (three this year, since my brother will be with us and his birthday is actually on Christmas day), and then traveling on a Disney cruise the first week of January (don't tell my kids, it's a surprise), then returning to the hustle of lesson planning for the new semester, not to mention still prepping for said exams on top of all of this. I'm just trying to say, I will probably still be a bit absent around here for a while yet, though I will try to sneak in my best-of year end reading list.<br />
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But! I have some really exciting plans for the blog coming next year. I'll give more details later, but I'm teaching a brand new, designed-by-me, 200-level Topics in English course next semester, and I want to let you guys in on the fun! I'm so excited for this course, and I suspect some of you might be interested in it too, so I'm planning to post lecture and discussion notes here! Like I said, I'll give more information later, including the syllabus in case any of you are actually interested in reading along with my students (might be helpful, because the discussion notes will probably contain spoilers, but I'll give warning). Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that interesting and exciting (at least to me) content will be returning to the blog shortly!<br />
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In other news, I hope all of you had a lovely Thanksgiving break. Mine was just about perfect, full of family and food, and just enough down-time to actually feel a bit rested. And, I was able to get the Christmas decorations up, although a good deep-clean of the house did not happen (alas, never ask to use the bathroom if you happen to visit us...). I purposefully tried to slow down my reading rate this month. I experimented with adding more "silence" to my day, and listened to more music instead of just audio books. Yes, it was Christmas music (I'll hold off on decorating till after Thanksgiving, but I can't help but blast the Christmas tunes Nov. 1st on). And... I still managed to read seven books. My light months are another person's heavy months, what can I say? Also, the jury's still out on whether the slower reading pace was necessary or not... I guess I discovered I'm just as comfortable with myself in silence as I am while listening to a really good book, so why not listen to a really good book? I feel like I could write a whole post about this, hopefully I'll get the chance some day. For now, let's dive in to the books I did read!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40221987-gravity-is-the-thing">Gravity is the Thing</a></i> by Jaclyn Moriarty<br />
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I saw a lot of people read and recommend this one last month, so I decided to pick it up myself. And I liked it, though I can't say I loved it. I was a bit wary at first, because it seemed to have a bit of the flavor of Liane Moriarty's books (her older sister), which I don't love (contemporary dishy drama). But this one ended up being quite a bit more... philosophically whimsical? Bordering on magical realism (or not, she leaves it up to you)? Anyway, it was worth finishing.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18966819-golden-son">Golden Son</a></i> by Pierce Brown<br />
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This is book 2 in the <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/117100-red-rising-saga">Red Rising series</a> (I read the first one last month), and I dove into book 3 right after this one, but then had to stop a few pages in because my goodness these books are so brutal. I still plan on finishing the 3rd one, I just need a bit of space first. It's a very interesting series, but gets pretty dark. Anyway, I don't necessarily recommend it to actual young adults, but if you like dark dystopia (plus sci-fi), this is still a recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/19089.Middlemarch">Middlemarch</a></i> by George Eliot<br />
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Needing a bit of a palate cleanser after the last book, I went in the complete opposite direction with this nineteenth century classic on middle class marriage. Guys, this book is brilliant. I mean it. An absolute masterpiece. I read it for the first time in high school (and loved it then), but re-reading it now after eleven years of marriage... Eliot's insights into marriage and expectations and women's purpose in life... just beyond genius. It is so good. This book examines two not very happy marriages under a microscope, and I wish she would've done the same for the happy marriages (because yes, there are happy marriages in this book too). Such interesting, complex, beautifully crafted characters! If you haven't read this one yet, you really should.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12873.Rebecca">Rebecca</a></i> by Daphne Du Maurier<br />
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This was another re-read for me (wanted it for October, but apparently so did everybody else, because this is when it came off the holds list). And while there is nothing quite like reading this book for the first time, the experience of re-reading it is still absolutely fantastic (especially since the beginning isn't quite so disorienting). Even knowing all the secrets and what happens in the end, it was still just a marvel to see how Du Maurier weaves this suspenseful tale. Another brilliant classic you must read if you have not already.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40364332-inheritance">Inheritance</a></i> by Dani Shapiro<br />
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This book was fascinating. I devoured it in one day, and then gushed about it to my husband. The short version is that Shapiro and her husband both decided to take DNA tests for fun, but Shapiro's test surprisingly reveals that while her mother is her mother, her father is not her father. This, of course, was devastating news, and sends her on a journey to find all the answers she can (and this may be a spoiler, but no, her mother did not have an affair, which I know is what you're thinking). There were lots of chords it struck with me: the importance of cultural and biological inheritance, the influence of genealogy on identity, the incredible science of DNA, the whole Spirit of Elijah, etc. I think it struck me too because, like Shapiro, I have a pretty significant religious ancestry through my father (my maiden name is Smith, and yes, I am one of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Fielding_Smith"><i>those</i> Smiths</a>), and I could just imagine the devastation of losing my connection to that heritage through a simple DNA test (I've not taken a DNA test, but considering that my second son is the spitting image of my father, I'm fairly confident I wouldn't be surprised if I took one). Anyway, this was a very interesting story, and I definitely recommend.<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3008.A_Little_Princess"><i>A Little Princess</i> </a>by Frances Hodgson Burnett<br />
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Holy cow I loved this book! And I'm also ashamed it took me this long to read it! I own two beautiful copies of it, and I've seen the movie at least a dozen times (I love the movie, it is wonderful), but I had always put off reading the book until now. And it is so freaking good. I mean, the movie has some changes that I like (including the Ramayana stories, the WWI subplot, her dad actually being alive), but they left out how much of a book worm Sara is! And also, the book just does such a better job of portraying how Sara hangs on to her "princess" identity, what it means to her. I loved it so much. I can't wait to read this one to my kids! So, so good!<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40914165-the-book-woman-of-troublesome-creek"><i>The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek</i> </a>by Kim Michele Richardson<br />
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This is another book I've seen getting fairly good reviews lately, and I always like a book about book people, so I threw it on the holds list. I did not like it at first. At first, I thought the author was making up some fantasy race (people with blue skin), which I found entirely tasteless. But when I realized this was a real medical condition, and this story was based on a real family in Kentucky, I became quite a bit more interested. I won't say the story was really well written or absolutely my favorite (I didn't like the way it ended, nor how the love story developed, and I didn't quite feel the crushing sadness I think I was supposed to feel), but I did find the historical bits to be interesting, and had no problems finishing it. I wouldn't call it a must read, but it's good enough.<br />
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There we go. Not as many books as usual, but some incredibly good ones this month. As always, have you read any of these? I'd love to hear your thoughts! I'm hoping to find some good seasonal reads for December (beyond <i>A Christmas Carol</i>, this seems like such an impossible task), so if you have any recommends please send them my way!Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-85358167024060115562019-11-12T12:27:00.001-06:002019-11-12T12:27:17.700-06:00Books I Read in OctoberGuys, it makes zero sense to me. I don't know how I'm doing it. Honestly. Somehow, despite the fact that October was chock full of mad studying for exams, grading stress, the nastiest cold that knocked all of us out for two weeks, and all the Halloween shenanigans... I still managed to have a record breaking reading month.<br />
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18 books. And one of those books was the longest book I've read this year. I passed the hundred mark for the year this month. !!!!!!!<br />
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Like I said, I don't even know how I'm doing it (I mean, audio books at double speed on my commute is mostly how I'm doing it, but still...). Anyway, it's a ton of books to get through and I don't have a lot of time (I should be studying for those exams right now, not writing this post) so let's get going.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/91582.Lady_Susan">Lady Susan</a></i> by Jane Austen<br />
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I spent the first part of the month finishing off my re-read of all my Austen favorites (my annual fall tradition). Guys, if you haven't read this short little epistolary novel by Austen, you are missing out! It has the most deliciously wicked title character, and is just a pure gossipy treat! Plus it's a super quick read. And they also managed to make a pretty good movie adaptation of it called<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3068194/"> Love and Friendship</a>, which now that I'm thinking about it, I really need to see again.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6969.Emma">Emma</a></i> by Jane Austen<br />
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While this book is not my favorite Austen (Emma tends to drive me nuts a bit, and I struggle with the age difference of this romance, the line about him falling in love with her when she was thirteen always tends to make me gag), I'm struck by the brilliance of her narrative structure every time. I mean, the way she conceals major plot points but drops hints of them throughout it just the most sheer genius. Austen is beyond amazing.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13526165-where-d-you-go-bernadette">Where'd You Go, Bernadette</a> </i>by Maria Semple<br />
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I'm late to the bandwagon on this one. It was entertaining enough, the plot was very clever and structured in a very creative and interesting way, so that mystery element of it was quite good. But I never quite fell in love with it (the dad bothered me so much, I never liked him in the end). I can see why other people love it though. It was just a little too soap-opera-y at points for me to really enjoy.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36300637-the-enchanted-hour">The Enchanted Hour</a></i> by Meghan Cox Gurdon<br />
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You may be thinking, do I really need to read another book about reading aloud to my children when I'm already reading aloud to my children? And I don't know about you, but apparently the answer for me is yes. Always yes. I just can't get enough of the topic. <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36575805-the-read-aloud-family?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=z3LXmGHlJp&rank=1"><i>The Read Aloud Family</i> </a>was amazing in its own way, and this one is amazing in an entirely different way, and I emphatically recommend both books, even if you already read to your children every day. This one is so, so good.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/40411-tales-of-alvin-maker">Tales of Alvin Maker Books 1-6</a></i> by Orson Scott Card<br />
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(I'm reviewing all six books at once, no need for individual reviews of this series.) So I read the first two books in this series circa middle school, but my dad wouldn't let me read the third one. I saw something about this series recently, remembered how much I liked it initially, and figured I was probably old enough now to handle whatever my dad was trying to shield me from (turns out it was white master sexual abuse of his slaves, totally get why my dad censored that). This series is a fascinating, magical rewriting of the Joseph Smith story and American history. I think it is super creative and a very thought-provoking interpretation of both Smith and the American story. If you enjoy historical fantasy mythology, this is a total recommend. The first two books are the best, it tends to get long-winded after that. And the series isn't finished yet (there's supposed to be seven books, but it's been well over a decade now and we're all losing hope it's ever going to happen).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36613718-enchant-e">Enchantee</a> </i>by Gita Trelease<br />
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I have a thing for magical historical fiction, which is why I thought this book would be right up my alley (French revolution with magic? Yes please!). Except it was entirely forgettable. Nothing special here.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39027388-virgil-wander">Virgil Wander</a></i> by Leif Enger<br />
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I loved <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/227571.Peace_Like_a_River?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=wI8Nn2wwa6&rank=1">Peace Like a River</a></i> so much, so I've been looking forward to this long anticipated next book by Enger, and well, it's not quite the same level as <i>Peace</i>. That being said, the writing is still amazing and beautiful and I loved every second of this book, just floating along with the beautiful language and the lovely characters, and I just wanted this book to go on and on and on. The plot was strange, I'm not sure if I understand the point, but I don't really care. I was just there for the lovely writing. Recommend.<br />
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<i> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25189315-smoke-gets-in-your-eyes">Smoke Gets In Your Eyes</a></i> by Caitlin Doughty<br />
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This book was a lovely (and strange, and disgusting) mix of memoir and philosophical reflection on death. Doughty has always been a little obsessed with death, so fresh out of college she gets a job at a crematory. And boy, does she have some stories! Her writing is funny and entertaining (and only a few of her stories are gross), and she is on a mission to change death culture in America. If you've read <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20696006-being-mortal?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=GRTkOPnrGU&rank=1">Being Mortal</a></i>, they basically have the same message, that one is just from the medical side of things, and Doughty is coming at this from the funeral industry side of things. I learned a ton, and have basically decided I'm all in for a natural decomposition burial (no embalming, please!). The subject is maybe a little dark (thus the October read), but it's an important topic that we don't talk about or think about enough as a culture. I definitely recommend.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/289751.Proust_and_the_Squid">Proust and the Squid</a></i> by Maryanne Wolf<br />
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I gave this three stars on Goodreads, but it really might be a four star for me, I just wish it had more accessible writing. Wolf is an educational psychologist who studies exactly what goes on in the brain when a person is reading. It was fascinating to me on so many levels (she studies from a scientific point of view what I think about from a literary point of view). She offers a history of reading, a look inside what's going on in the brain, and especially a fascinating dive into dyslexia. The only problem is, while she claims this is for a general audience, her tone and style are still pretty heavily academic, which makes this a less entertaining read than I wanted it to be. Others might find it difficult to slog through, but I think it's well worth it (especially if you have a kid with dyslexia). Fascinating stuff.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33916024-sourdough">Sourdough</a> </i>by Robin Sloan<br />
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Guys, this was a strange, quirky little story, with elements that I can only describe as fantastical (maybe magical realism? Not quite, but borderline). I'm not quite sure I loved it, but I definitely enjoyed it, especially all the descriptions of food (I just love good food writing). Also, there were some pretty interesting insights into the whole San Francisco tech company scene (they talk about a food replacement called Slurry I think, and I just found out yesterday that this is a real thing! Only it's called <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soylent_(meal_replacement)">Soylent</a>! Gross! Why would they call it that?!?!?). Anyway, this is a fun one.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15839976-red-rising">Red Rising</a></i> by Pierce Brown<br />
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My sister recommended this one to us when we visited her this summer, and my husband actually listened to it first, and then told me I should read it, so I did. I think if I'd read this a decade or so ago (before Hunger Games), I would've really loved it. It tries really hard to do some creative things with the YA dystopian genre (which is what sucked me in at first), but ends up falling into pretty much most of the cliches. It's rather dark and violent, but if you really like YA dystopia, then I definitely recommend this. The mash-up description I'd use is Hunger Games meets Roman mythology meets sci-fi terraforming Mars. It is something.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7126.The_Count_of_Monte_Cristo">The Count of Monte Cristo</a></i> by Alexander Dumas<br />
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Okay, let's talk about seasonal reading. I love doing seasonally appropriate reads in October, so at the beginning of the month I put a few old favorites on hold (<i>Dracula, Rebecca</i>) but apparently everyone else around here had the same idea, because I'm still waiting for them. So I needed something to fill my time with, and I've been meaning to re-read this classic for a while now (I read it back in high school I think), and decided now was as good a time as any. And guess what? Revenge, murder, drug trips, poison, carnival, executions, prisons, pirates... this is a totally appropriate October read! I finished it on Halloween, and boy, I have more thoughts than can fit here in this little mini-review, so I'll just save that for another day. But basically, it is long (longest book I've read this year), but totally worth your time.<br />
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Okay, and that's it for a pretty fantastic reading month. I've actually slowed things down here in November (which I'll maybe talk about another time), but I'm still pretty impressed with my reading rate here. Anyway, have you read any of these? What are your thoughts?Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8559247687312084765.post-73828791243735036752019-10-14T11:05:00.000-05:002019-10-14T11:05:05.550-05:00Books I Read in SeptemberWell, now, we're only about half-way through October, so not too late to post about my September reading, is it?<br />
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But first, hi! How are you all? It's been a minute. I'm still drowning over here in the work load to prep for my exams, but I discovered last week that, due to some administrative policy stuff and academic calendar conflicts, my exams won't take place until January sometime (we'd originally been planning for them to happen towards the end of November). So, while that means that my work and stress will continue over Christmas break (which frustrates me to no end, I really wanted to just get them over with to enjoy the holidays), right now it does mean the pressure has eased up some, and I feel like I can take a minute to pop on over here.<br />
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So, despite most of my listening time in September being dedicated to Shakespeare (I listened to/read 18 of his plays in the span of about six weeks, which is actually only just over half of his total credited output, so no, I still do not feel like I can call myself an expert on Shakespeare), I actually managed to listen to 7 books just for fun, which honestly is a fantastic number for any month, so I'm pretty pleased with that. Here's what I read:<br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37976541-bad-blood"><i>Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup</i> </a>by John Carreyrou<br />
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I'd read several rave reviews of this book, and since I genuinely enjoy business and management books, I decided to check it out. And yeah, the story is unbelievable and shocking and gripping and all the more so because it's true and not the stuff of fiction (it seriously feels like someone could not have made up a more sensational story). But mostly it just made me sad, because honestly, I really do want a successful female startup founder in Silicon Valley, and it's just so frustrating that Elizabeth Holmes was such a sociopath. Anyway, I wouldn't call this a must-read, but if you enjoy the business/management genre, or if you like sensational nonfiction, then this one is quite the ride.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42379022-the-bookish-life-of-nina-hill">The Bookish Life of Nina Hill</a></i> by Abbi Waxman<br />
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I saw this one pop up in a few places, and the premise sounded like something I would enjoy. And yes, I did find myself relating to Nina Hill quite a bit, in that I could see myself living a very similar quiet life of order and routine if I had found myself single at her age. It was both vastly appealing (imagine entire evenings devoted to quiet solitary reading!), and a bit depressing. I certainly don't struggle with anxiety the way she does, but even so, I came away quite grateful my life has always been brim-full of family. Anyway, the plot and romance are sweet, but nothing to write home about. It's not necessarily a book that will stay with me, but if you like fluffy bookish romances, you'll probably like this one.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1885.Pride_and_Prejudice">Pride and Prejudice</a></i> by Jane Austen<br />
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Last year I decided to make it an official annual tradition to re-read Jane Austen's oeuvre every fall (except probably <i>Northanger Abbey</i>, which really never needs to be re-read). So anyway, as a birthday treat to myself (yes, my birthday is in September), I started the re-read with this one. This is probably my 5th time reading <i>Pride and Prejudice</i>, and honestly, when I was done I just wanted to go back to the beginning and start over again. What a lovely, lovely book. Can't wait till next year!<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41424.Beauty">Beauty</a></i> by Robin McKinley<br />
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Janssen over at Everyday Reading spent some time raving about this book last month, and I remembered that I had read it probably when I was in middle school, and I also remembered really liking it, but I remembered almost nothing else about it. So I pulled it up for a quick re-read and... it wasn't quite as good as I remembered it being. I mean, it was fine. It's still a really interesting re-imagining of the story, and Beauty is a great character, and some of it is very captivating. But there were other parts that felt underdeveloped, or even overdeveloped (my goodness, it takes half the book before we even get to the castle!), and parts dragged for me, and then the end was just all of a sudden and it was over! Anyway, I think I still recommend this in general, I just probably don't need to re-read it again any time soon.<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/14935.Sense_and_Sensibility">Sense and Sensibility</a></i> by Jane Austen<br />
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Did you know that the French didn't like the way this book ended, so they rewrote the ending to have Marianne end up with Willoughby when this book was translated and published across the channel!?!?! Honestly, I think they missed the whole point. After re-reading this again, I just couldn't help agreeing that Austen got it perfectly right in the end (despite the rather disturbing age gap between Marianne and Colonel Brandon, but it was a different time...). Anyway, do you agree with Austen, or with the French?<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/91582.Lady_Susan">Lady Susan</a></i> by Jane Austen<br />
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Okay, this is definitely one of Austen's hidden gems. Lady Susan is such a villainous, deceptive title character, it's delicious! And the epistolary structure of the book is just genius (until the end, which is sorely underdeveloped). If you haven't read this one yet, you really should. Also, the movie adaptation (Love and Friendship) was really well done and absolutely worth the watch if you haven't seen it yet (I really wanted to re-watch it after reading this one again).<br />
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<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2156.Persuasion">Persuasion</a></i> by Jane Austen<br />
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This one used to be my absolute favorite Austen book. I'm not sure it still holds that title (not that any other book has overtaken it, more that I just find all of them to be so fantastic for different reasons), but it is still perfection. Just utter perfection.<br />
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Well, there it is. I also want to throw in here that my reading goal for the year was to read 75 books for pleasure. I passed that number up in August; Goodreads informs me that at this point (the end of September) I'd read 87 books for the year. Even I'm a little staggered by that pace. Clearly I've become a bit of a reading fiend (well, let's be honest here, a listening fiend, it's mostly audio books)! Maybe I shouldn't count re-reads? But I already mostly don't count my school reading. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have all sorts of thoughts about this in my end-of-year recap post. Have you read any of these? Thoughts?<br />
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Suzannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17163897162723926952noreply@blogger.com4