The Past, Present, and Future

I finished reading A Christmas Carol on Christmas Day, sitting in the cozy spot on my in-law's couch during the afternoon lull when all the hubbub of the morning had died down. I've confessed before that I've never read the whole book before, but I'd seen every movie production multiple times and knew the story backwards and forwards. The movies draw so many lines directly from the book that everything felt familiar and worn (in a good way) while reading the book.

Until I got to the end, and was hit with a line I'd never heard used in any of my favorite movie productions (or, if it is used, never in a way I'd paid attention to before). It comes just as Scrooge is pleading with the mysterious and silent Ghost of Christmas Future, right after he's seen his own name on the grave, when he says:

"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me."

I think this line struck me so hard because, first, it sheds some light on an interpretation of the purpose of the story I hadn't considered before, but second, because no one makes statements like this these days.

I mean, people talk all the time about living in the Present. That seems to be the buzzword on everyone's lips, the New Year's message I've seen all over social media, the mantra of everyone from spiritual yogis to self-help experts to parents.

Live in the moment!

Be present!

All you have is now!

You don't hear anyone say "Live in the past!" In fact, most discourse seems to actively discourage that idea. You're more likely to hear messages of "Don't live in the past!" or "Let the past go!"

And while you do hear people telling you to plan for the future, the general advice also seems to be against living there. "Don't dream away your life" the message seems to go. "Don't spend your life waiting for that someday, live your life now!"

So I was terribly struck by Scrooge's promise, to live in not just the present, but also the past and the future. What is the good of living in all three? What does it mean to live in the past and future in positive ways? I've been thinking about this for the past week, and thought now might be a good time and place to work through my cogitations on the subject.

Living in the Past

I think, in some cases, you do need to let the past go. You need to forgive yourself and others for past hurts and move on. You need to stop bringing up people's past failings. You need to, in a manner of speaking, bury your dead, get over it, and move on.

But that's just for the negative stuff.

What about the positive stuff in your past? The happy times? The good memories?

I think even there sometimes we have the message that it's best not to dwell in the "glory days" if it just makes present hardships or circumstances feel pale in comparison.

But I do think there can be harm in forgetting too much, or in letting the past go without working through how much the past shapes our present. When it comes to past hurt, past trauma, past negativity, sometimes the most healthy thing to do is face it head on, own it, talk about it, bring it up. Not just bury it.

And also, I think there is harm in forgetting the good things, forgetting the happiness. I can't remember exactly where I read this, but I remember reading about a marriage study where the researchers determined that couple's who's marriages were on the rocks tended to rewrite their memories of their past relationship. Couples who were headed to divorce tended to look back and remember only the negative things-- the arguments, the rain on the wedding day, the miserable honeymoon with the missed flights and lost luggage-- until they are left wondering why they even got together in the first place when it was all just miserableness and loneliness from the beginning. They've completely forgotten all the positive and romantic things that brought them together, the good moments of laughter, how happy the wedding had been before the rain, how the airline had gifted them a free flight voucher for the lost luggage, all the happy moments in between.

See, it's all about what you choose to focus on in the past.

And focusing on the good, the positive, the happy moments, really can make your present self happier.

I love playing the game "Remember when" with my husband. We have all of our favorite dating stories: like our first Valentine's day together, or the first time we met each other's families, or all the places on campus we used to share secret kisses. Oh, and we both firmly agree that our wedding day and honeymoon were completely magical (although I'm sure if I thought hard enough, I could come up with negative things from those days... but why would I want to think about the negative things?). And telling these stories and dwelling in these memories only helps strengthen our relationship now. It keeps us grounded in our foundation, reinforces why we fell in love, reminds us that what we have now is so, so wonderful.

So yes, I agree that living in the past can be good. For Scrooge, it helped him deal with his childhood of emotional neglect, and remember that he once felt love and joy and happiness. Dealing with the painful parts and remembering the good parts are all part of living in a healthy past

Living in the Present

I feel like we hear so much about the benefits of living in the present these days that I don't need to say much about it. But of course I will, because there's a reason we are obsessively focused on living in the present: it's important and it's hard.

Surprisingly hard.

It's hard to enjoy life, right now, as it is, without worrying about the future or the never-ending to-do list or dwelling (unhealthily) on past mistakes or negative emotions. Many of us seem to spend a lot of energy escaping our presents, numbing our emotions, trying not to feel or think or deal with life as it is right now. Most of us wish something could be different, the old "I'll be happy when..."

But we only have now. We can't change the past, and the future only comes to us in a never-ending series of nows. Now and now and now.

Dreams you want to fulfill? Now is all you have

To-dos you want to do? Maybe you should do them now.

Children who are growing up too quickly? All they know is now, so be there with them. Be in the now, this moment, the laughs and the tickles and the stories and building blocks and the rolling around on the floor. Now is the time for hugs and I Love Yous. Now is the time for simply enjoying your children as they are, right now.

Live in the Present.

Live in the Future

There is certainly an unhealthy way to live in the future. When you're life is consumed with anxiety about all the potential problems or hurts or things that could go wrong, you can become paralyzed with fear for a future that hasn't even happened (and most likely won't). Or there is of course the opposite option, dreaming of your glorious future, the one where you have all the money and have finally lost all the weight and fixed all your problems and everything is better and you will finally be happy in that future.

Both of those are bad ways to live in the future.

But you simply cannot live without at least considering and planning for your future. I can't remember where I read about this either (some study or other in one of those social science motivation books I keep reading), but we tend to think of our present selves and our future selves as two very different people, and, frustratingly, we tend to treat our present selves with a lot more kindness and indulgence because, well, we "are" our present selves.

That future self? Well, that's a different person entirely. That future self is great. That future self will have everything under control. That future self will have all the good habits. That future self will have the time, the energy, the whatever to deal with problems, so we'll just let that future self take care of them. And because that future self is so virtuous, we'll just let this present self catch a break, indulge in one more treat, ignore that problem, stay up too late, etc. We are so much kinder to our present selves than our future selves.

But I've learned that in demanding a little sacrifice from my present self in favor of my future self can really go a looooong way to increasing my overall happiness, because of course, eventually that future self becomes the present self.

My biggest victory is meal planning. I hate meal planning. I hate figuring out what to make for dinner every night all at once, making the list of ingredients, doing the grocery shopping. It's an unpleasant task that asks for a lot from my present self once a week. But do you know what I love? Automatically knowing what I'm going to make for dinner every day, so I never have that 5 o'clock panic. Knowing that all the ingredients are there, ready to go. Not having to think about it every day except the day I meal plan for the week. It's one hour of pain that allows for a smooth and calm week. It's a moment where my present self sacrifices for my future self in a way that maximizes life value.

If done right and in balance, living in and for the future can make you happier, because eventually the future will become the present.

The Spirits of All Three

But of course, the real lesson from this book is not how to live in all three, but that we must live in ALL THREE. We can talk all we want about living in the here and now, focusing only on the present, but the present eventually becomes the past and the future eventually becomes the present. We must learn how to live and navigate in all three, for they are not separate. The past affects us, the present affects us, and the past and present affect our future. As Scrooge learned, the hard way, true happiness comes when we hold the perspective of all three tenses in our hearts at once.

Remember the goodness of your past

Live in your present to create good memories for the past.

Live in your present to prepare the way for your future self.

Live in the Past, Present, and Future.

Books I Read In October

And poof! Just like that it's November. Isn't November such a lovely month? I love November.

But we're talking about October. Specifically, the books I read in October. For the past few years I've been getting more and more serious about intentional seasonal reading, and October is one of the months I fixate on "getting this right." However, I don't do horror or anything too gruesome or scary, so it can be tricky finding new material. I really like classic Gothic horror, like Rebecca or Woman in White, so this month I was on the lookout for material like that. Creepy atmosphere with a dose of mystery. I can't say I found anything spectacular, but I made an effort.

The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown

This one has been on my to-read list for a while now, but after reading a bunch of reviews, I went in with pretty low expectations. I was still intrigued by the heavy Shakespeare influence, but yeah, it's not necessarily one I recommend. The three sisters this book revolves around are all train wrecks, and I found I had little patience for the poor choices they'd all made. While there is a nice tidy dose of redemption in the end, and I did enjoy the Shakespeare stuff, this one is nothing special.

Holiday Decorations: Discovering My Style

Let's talk about holiday decorations. Specifically Halloween decorations.

Okay, theoretically, I am 100% on board with holiday decorations. I'm all about anything that makes holidays more fun and magical for the kids, and decorations do a lot toward building ambiance and anticipation and all that.

But when it comes to actually paying money for decorations? I start to get all Scroogey and stingy, because holy cow this stuff gets expensive fast! And most of it is super kitschy or horrendous anyway (at least, the cheaper stuff is). And then there's that whole thing about these decorations only being used for a few weeks of the year, a month at most, and then they have to be stored for the rest of the year. The Marie-Kondo side of me (or the fact that we live in a rather small two bedroom apartment) simply abhors the thought of storing decorations.

The exception is Christmas. We have and store a decent and growing set of Christmas decorations because, well, because it's Christmas. I am thoroughly invested in growing my nativity collection, and we have tons of ornaments and sentimental keepsakes things that I am more than happy to store all year because Christmas is Christmas.

But every other holiday? Yeah, I basically have nothing, and then I feel a little bit guilty every year when these holidays roll around because it's like I'm being lame and grumpy and failing my children or something. But then when I go to the store with the express purpose of picking up some decorations, I just get depressed at the money being asked for such trivial and stupid things and buy nothing.

It's About the Baby

Occasionally, I like to write personal essays. In honor of my son's birthday today, I thought I would share this one with you that I wrote a couple of years ago, but pulled out and updated this year. I hope you enjoy, and all have a very Merry Christmas!

I about fell off the examination table when the ultrasound technician told me my due date was December 25^th.  “Are you sure?” I asked, hoping there was some kind of mistake, or at least some cruel joke. While this pregnancy was “planned”, we certainly had not intended to have a holiday baby. My cycles had not been very regular after going off birth control, which is why we needed an ultrasound to date the pregnancy in the first place. So I was more than a little bit shocked when she reassured me that yes, this baby was measuring on course for a Christmas delivery.

My Christmas Novel To-Read List

A couple years ago I posted about my top 10 favorite Christmas books. I was reviewing that list earlier when I sent my Christmas lists off to various family members (I'm finally getting serious about expanding our Christmas book collection, and using grandparent gifts to do it), and realized that all the books were children's books and picture books (technically The Gift of the Magi is a short story, but that's beside the point).

So this year I thought, why not do a post talking about all the best Christmas novels? After all, I'm really trying to get into the idea of seasonal reading for myself, not just the kids. So, I sat down to write out a list of good Christmas novels, and here's what I came up with:

Seasonal Reading: Dracula

In theory, I really love the idea of reading seasonally appropriate books, like founding father biographies in July, or snowy winter tales in January. But in practice? My reading is generally far too haphazard and unplanned to make seasonal reading work. I don't remember to request the right books at the library in time, and therefore usually end up reading my cozy fireplace reads on the beach.

But this October, I decided it was time to give seasonal reading my best effort. The problem with October seasonal reads, however, is that I'm super not in to scary/horror stories. My horror genre absolute limit is at right about Sixth Sense level, and even then I can only handle it if someone has assured me beforehand there is a measure of a happy ending. So I decided my safest bet for a good Halloween read would be to go classic. Thus, I chose the father of the horror genre: Dracula by Bram Stoker.

A Bookish Halloween (Or, I Love Coordinating Costumes)

Okay, so confession. Halloween is not my favorite holiday. However, I can't deny that I love dressing up. Especially when we have a stroke of brilliance for an absolutely adorable coordinating family theme and pull off four homemade DIY costumes for under $5.

Coordinating costumes are just the best, aren't they? They just tickle me to death. And ours turned out so cute this year I can't help but sharing.

So I'm really hoping the readership of this blog is savvy enough to discern not just the theme, but also the identity of each costume from the picture alone. But just for the sake of spelling it out, here we go: I am dressed as Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus. Our 2 year-old is dressed as the coconut tree from Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, the wee babe is dressed as The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and my husband is channeling Harold and the Purple Crayon (his costume really needed a light blue footie onesie to complete the look, but my husband has his limits, and I settled for just the blue shirt).

I'm sure no one really cares, but here's the story behind these costumes. Back at the beginning of October, we tried to take our 2-year-old to the zoo dressed as a cowboy for an early Halloween trick-or-treating experience, but he was having none of that costume. He wouldn't wear the hat or the bandanna, and we didn't have boots anyway, so the costume was a total flop. So we sat around asking ourselves what kind of costume he actually would wear. Most kids want to wear costumes based on what they are currently interested in; trains or cars or princesses or whatever Disney movie is hot at the moment. My kid is a bit weird. His current obsession is the alphabet (this is a post for another day), and so I said something like, "If only we could figure out a way to dress him up as letters, he would totally love that." My brilliant sister, who was visiting at the time, made the suggestion that we dress him up as the coconut tree, because he is OBSESSED with that book. As in, he has it memorized and recites it over and over again all day long. As soon as she suggested it, I knew we'd struck gold.

So the idea was hatched and we devised a costume made entirely out of construction paper and foam sticker letters. It was brilliant, but I really wanted the family to have coordinating costumes, because like I said, coordinating costumes are the best. So the question became, what to do for the babe? My lovely sister came to rescue again, as her little boy had been the Hungry Caterpillar the year before, so she generously sent me the hat, we had the green onesie on hand, and the theme of Classic Children's Literature was set. I chose Miss Frizzle because somehow I thought sewing paper cutouts of stars and planets on a dress would be easier than any other costume and our only expense there was a three dollar wig of red hair. My husband's costume was by far the easiest, once we figured out what he was going to be. He spent an hour crafting his crayon out of construction paper, threw on the shirt, and off we headed to the ward trunk-or-treat.

So here are my take-aways from our costume experience this year:

• It's a bit tricky to breastfeed in a dress, especially one that has construction paper bits sewed all over it.
• It's totally exciting to have a child old enough to "get" Halloween, and to be super excited about his costume. Seriously, he loved being that coconut tree so much he wanted to sleep with his costume (there was a total meltdown when we told him no).
• About 70% of people have never read Harold and the Purple Crayon. Seriously people? Why are so many people clueless about this classic? Maybe we just really needed that adult footie pajama.
• Classic Children's Literature is just about the most adorable costume theme ever. And the possibilities for costuming are endless. I have a feeling I'll be using this theme again in future years.

Happy Halloween!

My Top 10 All Time Favorite Christmas Books

You want to know what's sad? I don't actually own any of these books.

But nearly all of these are the classic tales I grew up with as a child, and they are the ones I want my kids to grow up with. Luckily, my little boy is too young for most of these right now, so I still have some time to start collecting. But I've got to get to work.

1. The Gift of the Magi This is the classic story from O. Henry that is just beautiful and heart wrenching and I cry every time I read it.
2. The Night Before Christmas At one point in my life I had this whole poem memorized (thank you cheesy Christmas programs in elementary school). But I think it's better told with illustrations, and Jan Brett's have always been a favorite of mine.
3. The Littlest Angel When researching all of my favorite Christmas books, I was surprised when I didn't find this one on any lists I looked at. Do people not know about this book? Because the story of a little angel looking for the perfect gift for the Christ child is completely adorable. This is one of my favorite Christmas books from when I was a kid.
4. The Little Match Girl So, Hans Christian Anderson could be a bit depressing at times, and this story is no exception. Tears everywhere, but I suppose I prefer my Christmas stories to end with tears. Call me morbid.
5. The Tale of Three Trees Another favorite from my childhood. And the great thing about this one is it works for Easter too, and really, all year round. No need to keep this one locked away with the Christmas decorations.
6. The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey More tears.
7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas Okay, I know some people love the movie version (or the cartoon version) of this book, but for me this is definitely one of those cases where the book is better (I really don't care for the additional plot lines used to stretch out the movie). Keep my Dr. Seuss pure, please.
8. The Polar Express Another case where the book is much better than the movie. And while I don't particularly care about the "Believe in Santa!" message of this story, the illustrations are just so beautiful. And it's fun. So there.
9. The Nutcracker I took ballet lessons all during my growing-up years, and performed in my company's version of The Nutcracker every December. I'm kind of praying that some day I have a little girl who loves ballet as much as I do, because I will take her to see The Nutcracker every year. In the meantime, it would be nice to have a good illustrated version of this story on hand. And I'm talking about the original version by E.T.A. Hoffman. I know it's a little long (over a hundred pages), but originals are always best.
10. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever This one is also a little longer, and not a picture book. But it's such an adorable book for elementary aged children I couldn't help but put it on here. My mom used to read this book to us every year when we were younger, and it's hilarious and sweet and brings more tears. I'm excited for when I have kids old enough to read this book to.

I know a bunch of people who do advent activities with Christmas books (even wrapping up the books for their kids to unwrap), and I kind of like that idea, but I'd need to find 14 more books to add to this list (although, those last two could be spread out over a couple days). Maybe I should just find two more books and do the 12 days of Christmas. Any suggestions? What are your favorite Christmas books not on this list? (Especially ones about Christ. Just like my movie list, shockingly few of these stories are actually about Christ, which is sad. I would love to find a good Nativity story.)

The Eight Best Christmas Movies of All Time

I am working on a post about my favorite Christmas books because as my son gets a little older, I want to build up our Christmas book collection and develop some sort of Christmas book countdown tradition. But, in thinking about my favorite Christmas stories, I've discovered that most of them are movies. We are movie watching people here, so I'm thinking we're going to have to start a Christmas movie tradition too and get a collection of our favorites that we pull out every year. There really are a lot of great Christmas movies out there (and a lot of terrible ones, maybe that can be a post for another day), but when I think of the movies I'm excited to show my children, these are at the top of my list.

It's a Wonderful Life

A given, am I right? This has got to be the single best Christmas movie of all time. This movie will always have a special place in my heart because of Christmas Eve two years ago. I was alone in a hospital room a day after giving birth to my first child. My baby was in the nursery, and my husband had left to take my family home, and this movie was on TV. My husband came back to find me bawling my eyes out during that ending scene, when everyone's bringing their money in and the bell rings, and you know Clarence got his wings. I was totally postpartum hormonal emotional, and that scene just got me. I haven't been able to watch this movie since without tearing up, and without thinking about the birth of my sweet baby. This one will definitely be a family tradition.

Meet Me in St. Louis

This movie is just classic. If you haven't seen it, rent it. Buy it even. It's just so good and cheesy and fantastic. Strictly speaking, it's not just a Christmas movie (only the end really has anything to do with Christmas), but this is where the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" comes from, so it totally counts. There are so many great songs in this movie, and some of the best child acting I've ever seen (the two little girls are ridiculously cute). Judy Garland actually isn't my favorite (no offense to anyone who likes her) but this family and this story are just adorable.

Joyeux Noel

Okay, so yes, it's a foreign film. And yes, you have to read a lot of subtitles. But don't let that deter you! This is just an incredible movie about possibly one of the most heart-warming moments in World War history, and the fact that it's based on a true story makes it that much more powerful. Even if you know the story of the Christmas truce, this movie is still worth seeing. This one just reaffirms your faith in humanity.

*Warning: This one is rated PG-13, so not entirely family friendly. But still so good.

A Christmas Carol (1984 version)

I know there are a million versions of this story on the big screen, but I've got to give a plug for the 1984 version. This is the one I grew up with, and it was so well done. If you haven't seen this version, look it up. Definitely a classic.

The Muppet Christmas Carol

That being said, younger kids will most likely appreciate this version of Dickens' classic tale more. And I've got to hand it to those Muppets, they really do a fabulous job with the story. This is probably the only Muppets movie that I like, and I really like it. It's hilarious, but also packs the emotional punch of the story. So good.

A Christmas Story

I stand in awe of this movie. Not only does it capture the perfect nostalgia of a classic 1950's Americana Christmas, the humor is so spot on perfectly hilarious it's almost unbelievable. Every scene is classic, every line is quotable, and this one really is a cultural icon. Who can ever forget the leg lamp? Who will ever see a BB gun again without thinking "You'll shoot your eye out"? It really is the perfect funny holiday movie.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Do you know what I love about this movie? I love that it's actually about Christmas. I mean, it's actually about the birth of Christ. It's a message about rejecting the commercialism of the season and really focusing on Christ. What other movie on this list does that? Not one, I'm afraid to say, and that's why I want my kids to watch this one every year. It doesn't hurt that all the Peanuts characters are just awesome in general, and the music is fantastic. Love this little show so much.

Elf

Of all the movies on this list, this one is probably my least favorite. I'm just not sure it has the classic staying power of all the other movies here, but my husband loves this movie so much that it will have to be a part of any future family Christmas movie traditions. And I can appreciate that it is a hilarious movie. There are some fantastic quotable lines, and I'm sure my kids will love this one.




Now I realize there are some pretty popular Christmas movies that didn't make it on my list (Home Alone, Miracle on 34th Street, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, just to name a few) and that's not because I don't like them. These are just the ones I want to become part of our family tradition. My question is, am I missing any good ones? Any great Christmas movies out there that should be on this list? What are your favorites?