Books I Read in November

Well, we're barreling right along toward Christmas now, but I've just unburied myself from the avalanche that is the end of the semester, and now I'm back and ready to talk about reading for fun!

But really, that was one of the more exhausting semesters I've ever had. I loved my classes, but for some reason they all seemed to require so much more work than classes I've had before (more papers, longer papers, more reading, longer reading). And teaching/grading is always exhausting. It was a great semester for me as far as interesting research/writing, but I'm burned out in every way imaginable. I need this winter break so I can start feeling like a normal human functioning on more than survival mode. So grateful to be back here now!

Anyway, my November reading post is one of the many things that got put off in the midst of end-of-term paper writing. I'm sure most of you neither noticed nor cared, but I love writing those posts so much for the reflection time they give me about my pleasure reading. So, this is for me, even if none of you care. I only got around to six books in November (now, six books is actually a pretty good number for me, it's just down from the whopping 10 or so I read in October), because one of them was beastly long (and I only read half of it). But anyway, here they are:

Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert

This one was a assigned reading, but I read it once before in high school (for fun back then...). Anyway, I can't really say I recommend this one, let alone like it, but it is still fascinating in so many ways. First off, Flaubert is just an incredible writer. This is a translation, and the amazing writing still shines through (oh, if only my French were good enough to read it in the original!). Second, I'm always fascinated by the negative portrayal of pleasure reading in this novel, and how Madame Bovary can never find happiness in life because real life doesn't measure up to the romantic books she reads. It feels like Flaubert is blaming the books, but honestly, I blame Madame Bovary. For some reason, all the men in my class found her a fascinating and attractive character (phrases like, "I would date her if she were a real person" were used in class), but I can't stand the woman. She annoys me beyond what is reasonable to be annoyed by a fictional character, and I'm sooooo frustrated by her life choices. Anyway, this makes for a fantastic English class/book club read (lots to discuss!), but does not make for a happy read.

Second Foundation by Isaac Asimov,

Third in the series, and my favorite up to this point, though I had to stop after this one because my library doesn't have the next book in the series available on audio (I could write a whole post about my library's spotty and disappointing audio book offerings, ugh!), so we'll see if I continue with the series. After all my complaining about the lack of female characters in the first book, here Asimov comes up with a rather delightful and precocious teenage girl who steals the show. And this whole mind-reading thing has really taken the series into a much more interesting place plot-wise. If you like science-fiction, I really do recommend this series.

Bury Your Dead by Louise Penny

Perhaps not my favorite of the series, but good enough that I will keep along with it (I can't believe I've read six of these!). The murder investigation in this one was a little uncompelling to me (the opening of an old investigation was far more interesting, but also split the plot up), but I learned a lot of interesting stuff about Quebec and Canadian history which I enjoyed, and as always, the food descriptions were insanely mouthwatering. These books make such great winter reads, too, because Canada just sounds so darn cold all the time.

My Plain Jane by Cynthia Hand, Brodi Ashton, and Jodi Meadows

I finally got around to reading this long anticipated sequel to My Lady Jane (which I loved so much)! And, I have complicated thoughts. First, I think I really, really would've loved this one if I didn't love the original Jane Eyre  so much. If I could just disassociate this story from that one, if this could just be its own stand-alone historical fantasy fiction, I would've really loved it. The ghost element was a lot of fun, their humor was characteristically delightful, and there was so much to like. Unfortunately, they kept reminding me that this was riff on  Jane Eyre by actually quoting lines from the original, which just made their own writing look pale and juvenile in comparison. I think the ways they tried to rewrite the story and redeem Mr. Rochester were interesting, but in order to make Rochester palatable they basically had to break him up with Jane, which I don't necessarily disagree with, because I don't like Rochester in the original, but then it wasn't Jane's love story... and it just meant Jane wasn't the character I loved from the original, so that was hard for me. But if you haven't read the original, or don't care about, and just enjoy fun and light historical fantasy fiction, this one is worth the read.

The Black Moth by Georgette Heyer

How I do enjoy a good Heyer novel! This was her first (apparently written when she was 17, or something ridiculous like that), and given that, I find it remarkably good. It's not her best novel, and a lot of the criticism comes from it being so darn cliche. And yes, when it comes to the stereotypical melodrama, I think Heyer manages to tick off every single cliche in the book. But she does it with such flair! The villain is sooo villainous, the hero so dashedly charming and deserving, the heroine so beautiful and in distress... it is all just delicious fun. I could absolutely see the influence of The Scarlet Pimpernel in this one.  I devoured this one, loved every minute of it.

Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

Okay, this was a quixotic pick for me (did you see what I did there?), but after reading Madame Bovary (Flaubert was heavily influenced by Don Quixote) and thinking about the way this story has influenced attitudes on books and the power of reading, and thinking it might relate tangentially to the topic I wanted to write my paper about, and seeing it was available on audio (when so many other things I want to read are not), I decided to listen to it for fun. Okay, I recommend no one do this, unless, like me, you are pursuing an advance degree in literature. This may have been wildly popular in it's day, and it may be very influential, and have a lot of great characters and funny moments, but as a whole it does not translate well to the modern day. It is long and tedious. I barely made it through Part 1, and decided to just stop there when I realized that Part 2 was written more than a decade later and only after fans asked for more. I'm glad I read it, I did end up using it in my paper, but if you're interested, just do yourself a favor and stick to the musical version or some other modern adaptation. Don't suffer through the early seventeenth century prose and meandering plot lines.

I started Don Quixote in mid November, and it took me the rest of the month to finish it, so that's all for my pleasure reading last month. December has been off to a slow start (thanks to all the time spent writing said papers), but now that I'm on break I'm hoping things pick up a bit. Holiday time means reading for fun time, am I right?

Books I Read in October

In case you don't follow my personal account on Instagram, here's the epic family-themed costume for this year. This costume was driven by my 6-year-old, who wanted to be BB8 so badly, and luckily the other two are still young enough to not have opinions. I'm hoping we can keep the family costume trend going, but Little Miss already has a BIG personality and STRONG opinions about things, so we'll see how that plays out in future.

Well, you may or may not have noticed I haven't posted anything since my reading round-up for September. We're just at that point in the semester where I'm not even keeping up with my school work, so pleasure writing is pretty much off the priority list. Except for these monthly check-ins. I always allow myself the luxury of at least this one post a month (you probably won't hear from me again until I do November's wrap up, but maybe December will bring some more personal time?...)

Anyway, despite the incredibly busy month of school work, I managed to read/listen to 13 books this month, which is perfectly fitting for a spooky October, but also kind of blows my mind because I think 13 books has to be a new PR. And I don't even know when or how? I really only listen to books on my commute and while cooking/cleaning (and heaven knows, I do precious little cleaning), so how did I manage 13 books this month? A few of them are shorter, it's true, and also, at one point in the month I realized I was having a hard time following how fast the narrator was speaking, and when I checked my app I discovered I'd been listening at 3X speed. I've no idea how long I'd been listening at that speed, possibly for several books in a row. I usually listen at 2X speed, and I guess my brain has gotten so good at listening at that speed that it took me a while to notice it was playing even faster than that, unintentionally. I'm back to 2X speed (which doesn't feel fast at all, anymore), so we'll see if my reading number drops in November.

Also just want to mention that I met and blew out of the water my reading goal for the year. My goal this year was to read 75 books, which I thought was going to be a stretch (my best year since I started recording was 63 books). But as of the end of October I've read 83 books. Eek! Honestly, I won't be surprised if I hit 100 this year, and if I do, I'm sure I'll write a post all about it.

We'll that's enough ado about nothing. Now let's jump into the books.

Perusasion by Jane Austen

Continued my re-read through Austen's oeuvre with my all-time favorite, Persuasion. I love Anne, I love Captain Wentworth, I love this story. Sweet and shorter, and just wonderful.

Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

And, I finished up my Austen binge with this one. It's not my favorite (it's no one's favorite), but if I ever write an academic article about Austen, it will be about this book. So many things fascinate me about this book. I chose to skip out on Northanger Abbey this year. That one's definitely not my favorite.

The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

Read this one for my virtual book club, and I don't think I would've read it otherwise, just because after reading Better Than Before, her blog, and listening to her podcast, I felt like I knew enough about the four tendencies. But of course, I learned even more by reading the book, and even had some interesting insights into my husband's personality and behavior that has been kind of useful to understand. All in all, I think the framework is brilliant and helpful for understanding/motivating people, but the book itself isn't all that great as far as writing goes.

The War that Saved my Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

I was hesitant to start this one, because I get so tired of WWII novels. But of course, WWII novels make the best novels, and this is no exception. This one is just absolutely perfect middle-grade fare. I loved almost every thing about it. Deserves all the praise and attention it's getting, and in my humble opinion, deserves to become a beloved classic.

What We See When We Read by Peter Mendelsund

This one is really different, but really fascinating. It was assigned as a textbook for one of my classes, but was written for a lay audience. Mendelsund is a cover artist, so he spends his career reading books and then thinking about how best to visually represent those books, so he spends a lot of time thinking about what he visualizes when he reads. This book outlines his meditations on that process, and I found it fascinating (of course, this is the sort of stuff I think about in my academic career). The other reason this book is so fascinating is because it's nonfiction, but it's a graphic novel (as in, it's not a novel, but it has graphics on almost every page, but also text, and I don't know any other term besides graphic novel). Anyway, if you're up for a little intellectual-but-still-lighter reading, this one is super interesting.

The Brutal Telling by Louise Penny

This was the first in my intentional seasonal reading; nothing like a good murder mystery to set the tone for Halloween. And this one completely surprised me. I did not expect Penny to ever take these books in this direction. I like being surprised, so that was fun (which is a weird thing to hear myself say about a book about MURDER). I really like picking up one of these books every few months.

A Dark Night's Work by Elizabeth Gaskell

I read this for my local book club. It's a short novella (or maybe long short story?), and I won't say it was excellent and amazing (the writing was not Gaskell's best), but it made for a suitably macabre October discussion, and was pretty fun all around. And it reminded me that I really need to read more Gaskell, because I really do like her so much.

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

I read this book in 8th or 9th grade. I had a reading chart due on Monday where I needed to read so many books to meet my goal, and I'd procrastinated a bit, so I spent Sunday afternoon reading this whole book to finish up my reading chart. And it totally left me feeling dark and depressed and kind of messed up inside. And then I proceeded to have just a really terrible week, so I made up my mind that from then on, I would never read a secular novel, for pleasure or for homework, again on Sunday. And for the most part, I've stuck to that (which also means that yes, I've read 83 books this year without reading any of them on Sundays). Anyway, I decided this would be a good year to revisit this gothic novel just to see how I'd feel about it now. And what better month than October? Ugh. The writing is beautiful, and Bronte is incredible at what she does. But I stand by my original assessment. This book is dark and depressing and leaves me feeling a little bit messed up inside. I don't need to read it again.

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

Continuing on with my seasonal reading, I picked up this classic. And goodness, I really need to read some more Christie! She's a genius! I must admit that I saw the movie earlier this year, so the mystery was spoiled for me from the beginning, which was really too bad. But I did completely marvel at the craft of it all, how Christie was able to slowly unravel this mystery from Poirot's point of view, even though she knew the whole thing already. What a master!

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Another re-read. This has been a month of re-reading. Why am I re-reading so many books? Thoughts for another post. Anyway, I loved this one the first time I read it (it was my second official review on this blog!), and thought it would be lovely to revisit as a Halloween read, and boy was I right! It was perfect seasonal reading. I may make this a tradition!

Foundation  by Isaac Asimov

After five straight books of October seasonal reading, I was ready to move on, even if I still had a week of October left. But apparently, I'm still in the mood for re-reading. I first read the Foundation series in middle school, and I remember devouring them and loving them and thinking they were brilliant. But I couldn't actually remember much of the plots, so I decided to revisit. Oh, boy! I wrote a long post over on my Goodreads review all about how these books reveal more about the era they were written in than they do about the future, but I don't feel much like retyping that here, so if you're interested, click on over to my Goodreads account. If you like science fiction, I definitely recommend this series as foundational for the genre (ha! pun!). If you don't really like the genre, stay far, far away. These books are probably not for you.

Foundation and Empire by Isaac Asimov

I think at this point, I'm interested enough to re-read as much as the series as I can. We'll see if that lasts. In middle school, I read them in chronological order, but I've decided to read them in publication order now (much like The Chronicles of Narnia, they were published out of chronological order). Liked this second one slightly better than the first. Asimov has a real flair for plot.

The War I Finally Won by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

A very worthy follow-up to The War That Saved My Life. I don't feel like the plot had quite as neat an ending point, but it definitely made me tear up at points, and was excellent all around. I highly, highly recommend both these books. They are wonderful.






Whew! What a load of reading! Have you read any of these? I'd love to know you're thoughts on them! How did October reading go for you?

Books I Read in September

September was a big reading month for me. I finished 9 books (two for homework, but still counting them), am in the middle of two more I'm almost finished with, and did not finish (but majority read) another book that I'm probably giving up on because I just don't find it enjoyable enough to slog through the depressing story-line (FYI, it's The Great Alone by Kristen Hannah, in general not a recommend). Here are the ones that actually got completed.

What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast by Laura Vankerkam

I feel guilty counting this, considering the thing is only about 32 pages, which really doesn't feel long enough to be called a book. It's more like an extended article? I don't know. Whatever, I'm still counting it. I was hoping for something a little bit more useful from this, but considering I already wake up at 5:30 most mornings and use that time for personal scripture study/meditation and exercise, this book had nothing to offer me. If you currently are not but want to be a morning person, this book might provide an ounce of motivation, but in general I'm not sure it's worth your time.

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

I'm in a 19th Century British Lit class this semester (quite possibly one of my all time favorite classes ever, if you follow me on Instagram I'm sure you've heard me talk about this class), and we read the first chapter of Jane Eyre for the first day of class. But how can I stop at the first chapter? Even though the rest was not assigned, I found myself pulled in, and finished up the rest of it on my own time. Guys, I love Jane so much, what a perfect little heroine she is! But oh, how I loathe Rochester. He is manipulative and delusional and sexually harasses Jane with his possessiveness. Jane, I know you love him, but you could do better!

Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan

Guys, this is one of the rare times I'll say this, but the movie is better. Seriously. The book is fun and all, but the movie actually gave a touch of depth and nuance to two of the main characters that was completely missing from the book, so if you're interested at all in this fun, fluffy story of crazy opulence, just go watch the movie. It's better.

The Pearl by John Steinbeck

I really love Steinbeck a lot, but until now I've only read two of his works (Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men). It was nice to dip back in with this short one. His prose style really is so beautiful. Someday I'll tackle East of Eden too.

Off the Clock by Laura Vanderkam

I have such a love/hate relationship with Vanderkam. Some of her advice really resonates with me, but sometimes I feel like she is so out of touch with reality. Anyway, the premise of this book sounded really intriguing (yes, I would love to feel less busy), but once again left me feeling... disappointed. Maybe it's because I read her blog, and literally nothing in the book was new content for me. I did get inspired to do some more time tracking, so maybe I'll write about that again at some point. But in general I would say this one isn't as good as her other books, and not worth your time.

Waverly by Sir Walter Scott

Read this one for class, and while it was super interesting in the context of what we were discussing, I do not recommend it at all. It really doesn't hold up well for a modern audience.

Emma by Jane Austen

This one was also homework. Which is awesome. My favorite English homework is when Austen is my homework. This is my least favorite Austen, but that doesn't even matter. I will read anything by that woman, any time.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

So after finishing Emma, my options were to go back to the miserable Great Alone book I was not enjoying, or just continue on a little Austen jaunt. Clearly I chose the latter. I re-read her entire oeuvre last Fall, and now I'm thinking this might become a yearly tradition. A very pleasant yearly tradition.

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

This one was rather interesting to read in context of the national debacle that is the Kavanaugh judicial hearings. It was just interesting to think about Willoughby as a sexual predator, and how society (or at least, Austen) handled such situations back then. Rather interesting to think of how much has changed, and how little has changed in 200 years.





Okay, that's it for September, but October is already off to a great start (I finished Persuasion today, so I'll include it in October's post). I'm hoping my library holds come in on time to get some serious seasonal reading in this month.

How about you?

Historical Bibliophilia

Hello! Hi there! It's been a while, as I'm once again lost in the pressures of the semester, endless amounts of reading and writing and lesson planning and grading... while still trying to maintain some semblance of normal happy life on the home front.

But I just had to steal some time tonight to stop by and tell you about this class I'm taking. Actually, both of the classes I'm taking this semester are beyond interesting and this is quite possibly the most enjoyable semester of coursework I've ever had. But one of my classes is 19th Century British Literature (we are in the middle of reading Emma, and any time Austen is homework is a fantastic time) with a theoretical emphasis on the practice and history of reading. In other words, we are studying what it means to be a book reader. What it means to be a book lover.

It's basically my favorite class ever.

While I would love to sit and rehash everything we talk about in that class here with you guys, I don't quite have the time. But talking about all things book-lover related has made me feel itchy to stop by and drop a line in this space, my book-loving space. And so, while I don't have time right now to compose anything original, I just want to share an excerpt from one of our earlier readings, just because I felt like many of you might be able to relate. This comes from an essay written by Leigh Hunt (you may or may not know him as a friend to such Romantic poets as John Keats) in 1823.

"Sitting, last winter, among my books, and walled round with all the comfort and protection which they and my fire-side could afford me; to wit, a table of high-piled books at my back, my writing-desk on one side of me, some shelves on the other, and the feeling of the warm fire at my feet; I began to consider how I loved the authors of those books: how I loved them, too, not only for the imaginative pleasures they afford me, but for their making me love the very books themselves, and delight to be in contact with them. I looked sideways at my Spenser, my Theocritus, and my Arabian Nights; then on my left side at my Chaucer, who lay on a writing-desk; and thought how natural it was in C.L. to give a kiss to an old folio, as I once saw him do to Chapman's Homer." (You can read the rest of the essay here, should you feel so inclined.)

You guys, book loving people have been around for a long time. And they truly are the best people. Feel free to go and kiss a book now.

Books I Read in August

Well, we are two weeks into the back-to-school craziness, and settling in nicely. It was a bit of a rocky start, as that whole day-care drop-off situation was quite the adjustment, and then of course we all managed to get sick (just a minor cold, thankfully, because it meant I could still take the kids to daycare, but how awful is it to be the one dropping off the snot-nosed kid?), and frankly I'm exhausted. But, there are inklings that this is going to be my best semester yet. I have some awesome classes this semester that I'm really excited about, and I have Fridays completely off! Which is amazing!

And can I just say yay for having my commute reading time back in my life? It's a little different this year, as I now have to listen to my audio books through ear phones so I can play kid music over the speakers for the two littles who now accompany me to campus, and I don't particularly love driving with ear phones in, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to keep up my precious pleasure reading time. For being such a crazy busy month, I managed quite a bit of reading for fun!

Scarlet  by A.C. Gaughen

I stumbled across this one while doing some research for my younger sister (she's a middle school teacher, and was asking for some recommendations to flesh out her classroom library). I'm kind of a sucker for a good Robin Hood retelling, and so when I checked my library app and found it available for immediate download, I jumped right in. And it was really quite fun! It took half a minute to adjust to the rough-and-tumble accent, but it was rather good adaptation in my opinion. I liked turning Will Scarlet into a girl, I liked how well the Robin Hood story worked as a dystopia setting, and the romance was rather satisfactory, despite the unnecessary love-triangle aspect (seriously, it ticked off every single expected dystopia-with-a-strong-female-lead stereotype, so if you like that kind of thing, you should definitely check this one out).

Lady Thief by A.C. Gaughen

A worthy second book (despite some plot holes, but let's not be too demanding of this genre). I especially liked that Eleanor of Aquitaine shows up as a great character in this one.

Lion Heart by A.C. Gaughen

And a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy.

The Read-Aloud Family by Sarah Mackenzie

This one's been getting a lot of buzz lately, and I kind of felt like I didn't really need it. After all, I'm already reading aloud to my kids everyday. I've listened to her podcast. What more could Sarah Mackenzie possibly have to say in this book that I hadn't heard before? But after so much glowing praise, I finally decided I didn't want to be left out, so I read it. And. I'm so glad I did. It really was that good. I would recommend this as mandatory reading for all parents. It's not just the inspiration/motivational stuff I expected, but really fantastic practical advice too about how to talk to your kids about the books they read and make book conversations a part of home life. It was all so good.

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

One of my biggest complaints about my current library's app for e-audio books is that it offered a rather pathetic collection of classics. So, imagine my delight when I discovered this month the addition of dozens of new classics on their lists! I was eagerly scrolling through, trying to decide what to listen to first, and this one just called my name (maybe because I watched the lovely new PBS miniseries adaptation a few months ago). I haven't read it since middle school, and I was surprised all over again about how preachy this book can get, and yet it's still so popular! But oh, I love the preachiness! I wish there were more of that simple-hearted purity and goodness in books. It was so lovely and wonderful and heart-warming to read again, and I cried multiple times (Beth!!!!). So much love!

What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast by Laura Vanderkam

I tend to really like Vanderkam's ideas, but also tend to be really annoyed by her tone and style. Same here. I am very much on board with the benefits of early mornings, but this particular book didn't do much for me. Not much by way of substance, as it's really too short to offer that. It might be helpful for some, but generally not a recommend.





Now, this is not counting the books I read aloud/listened to with my kids this month (we got through four or five fun audio books on various road trips and driving around town), nor some required reading for my school work, or the several I started but am still in the middle of finishing, but all in all it was a busy month for reading! Here's hoping September is just as good!

The Perfect Summer

Recently (for pretty much my entire marriage), I've dreaded summer.

I know this is completely opposite of everyone on the planet (it feels like), but let me explain:

-We always move in the summer. Sure, we don't move as much as some people (only three really big moves in the past 10 years), but nothing is worse than moving, and it completely ruins my summers.

-I've been pregnant three times in the summer. Twice, it was through the whole awful just-kill-me-now-because-I've-lost-the-will-to-live first trimester, and with the middle one, it was through the huge-as-a-beached-whale final trimester. Something about being pregnant in the summer, when you're supposed to travel and be out and about doing fun things and your kids stay up late and wake up early because of all the extra light... doing summer while pregnant just depresses me.

-I'm a creature of habit and routine. And summer throws it all off. Sometimes in a nice way, but mostly in a disruptive way that leaves me feeling slightly off-kilter.

-I HATE being sweaty. I also hate the artificial feeling of air conditioning (especially when it feels cold enough that you actually need a sweater in doors to be comfortable!). Do you see the conundrum here?

-I do not know how to wear summer clothes. Layers are kind of my thing for putting outfits together, but that doesn't work in the summer. And I feel like shorts are so awkward, but skirts are too dressy, and pants will just kill you. Why are summer clothes so hard?

-I love soup. And hot chocolate. And roasting vegetables in the oven without my kitchen feeling like the surface of the sun. I do also love salads and fresh summer produce, but my husband is so sick of salads right now that I'm looking longingly at my soup recipes and wishing for colder weather.

So yeah, summer has, at least for most of my marriage, produced in me a feeling of low-level anxiety and annoyance that means I usually don't look forward to the season.

But all that complaining is to preface that this year! This summer! This summer has felt like the start of something new and wonderful and beautiful. This is the first summer in a long, long time that I've felt sorry that it's ending. And so I just want to take a moment to stop and reflect about what was so good about this summer.

-We didn't move! And it's likely we won't be moving for a long, long time. Which means I finally feel settled. Like we've arrived. I think that feeling of being "home" has really helped me feel more content with summer. I know we lived in our place in Houston for almost four years, which is pretty settled, but it was an apartment in not perfect school boundaries, and we always knew we would have to move someday, so I thought of it as temporary. And even though we will very likely move again at some point in our future, we are pretty sure we're here for at least another five years, and there is the possibility we'll stay here forever. We talk about things like "If this is our forever house, then someday let's (insert whatever house project dream here)." Apparently, I need roots. I need to be "home". And while I need this all the time, I especially need it during summers of travel and relaxed routines.

-My kids are at great ages. Seriously, it has been so fun to be home with them this summer. The baby is just big enough for adventures, but everyone's still young enough for nap-time/quiet-time (yay!). Everyone's sleeping tolerably well, no one got sick, they've played well together for the most part, no one was potty training or going through some otherwise horrible phase, and it was just fun to be with them! They are all at a really cute age for their personality. The baby's vocabulary has just been exploding this summer and she's becoming so much more reasonable and pleasant to be around now that she can communicate a little better (also, she's just so stinking cute!). My three year old is absolutely the most adorable child on the planet (I never thought I would say that about a three-year-old, I hated this age with my oldest son and predict I will hate it again with my strong-willed youngest). And my six-year-old is just the coolest kid ever, so helpful and responsible and full of enthusiasm for life. We spent lots of time going on walks or playing at the park or hanging out at the library or reading together, and it was just sort of the summer of my motherhood dreams. I'm really, really sad we won't be getting to hang out in this chill, relaxed, always reading kind of way anymore.

-We went on a fabulous trip! And my kids got to have a fabulous Grandma Boot Camp with their cousins! But then (this is the key), we all came home and just had a quiet rest of the summer, only a few weekend trips. I need balance in my life. I need big exciting vacations, but then I need lots of chill downtime to recover, and this summer was perfect for me.

-I know summer will end! Honestly, I think this was one of my biggest problems with summer in Houston, the fact that it never ended! Hot and sweaty temperatures just kept going and going and going, and it depressed me to no end. What I've decided about myself is that it's not so much that I love winter and hate summer, it's that I need my seasons to change! This sounds really funny, coming from someone who just spent paragraphs complaining about how I need roots and hate moving and need reliable routing. But for whatever reason, I crave changing seasons. I know by the end of last winter I was thoroughly annoyed with cold weather and just ready to see the sun again. That's what I need from my summer weather too. I need it to end. I can't love it unless it's temporary.

So yes, despite the fact that I need the season to end in order to fully enjoy it, this summer I do feel like it's ending too early. I'm already mourning the end of this perfect, golden summer. I don't want my children to grow up, I don't want to go back to school and spend so many hours away from them, I don't want this happy moment to vanish. I recognize that this is it. This is the moment, the season I will look back on and long for in years ahead. Yes, we'll have plenty of good times and good summers ahead of us, and there are many wonderful things to look forward to, but also there will be hard times too. There will be less than happy seasons ahead of us too, so I want to stop right now and recognize that this is it! This is happiness! This is beautiful! This moment, this season, was a pure gift of joy.

I'm sad it's ending, but I'm also grateful. I'm so grateful we got this summer, this summer together of all sorts of small golden moments. And I'm hoping that writing about it here will help me always remember. No matter how life changes, no matter how great or how horrible future seasons of my life are, I want to look back on this summer and remember what a gift it was.

We have a moment of happiness and sunshine, and life is good. Life is so, so good.

You Can See it in Their Eyes

We were standing in the church hallway with our squirming and screaming babies when the bishop's wife walked by. This woman, the bishop's wife, is one of those people you can't help loving. She's just so full of light and joy and infectious love. She is one of the kindest people I know.

Which is why I know she wasn't trying to hurt me. She wasn't trying to wound anyone. She was merely trying to be encouraging when she stopped, and in her effusive and loving enthusiasm gave both me and my friend a hug and said, "You young mothers are doing such great work here! You are doing the truly important work! It may feel hard now, but the love you're giving your babies now, the time, the sacrifice, it will stay with them forever! I know! When I go to the high school, and I look at all those grown up kids, you can tell the difference between those kids raised by good mothers, and those raised in daycare. You can see it in their eyes!"

She hurried on to her Sunday school class or wherever she was going, probably never giving a second thought to her comment or that small moment in the hallway.

But I think about that moment often. Her words echo in my mind almost every day. "You can tell the difference between those kids raised by good mothers, and those raised in daycare. You can see it in their eyes."

My kids will be starting daycare next week.

To say I have conflicted feelings about this is a massive understatement. Because, you see, if you had asked me just a few years ago, I would've agreed 100% with my bishop's wife. Not that I ever would've said it out loud like her, but I totally felt that way. I felt that really good mothers stayed home with their kids. Really good mothers did not pass off the responsibility of caring for and raising their children to someone else.

I had a hard enough time coming to terms with the situation when we hired our first nanny. Not only did it feel strangely privileged and extravagant (I did not grow up in a world where anyone had a nanny), I struggled with the idea of giving up my responsibility to raise my children, even if only for a few hours a week. But at least, at the very least, it was still one person in our home, keeping my children in the routines I set, with the toys and activities I provided for them, giving them the individual attention they needed. If I couldn't be there myself, a nanny felt like the next best thing.

But daycare? The image of daycare in my mind was one of flickering fluorescent lights over threadbare dingy carpets illuminating a sad and stringy selection of secondhand toys, with a bunch of kids crying in soiled diapers while frazzled and overworked care providers tried to keep too much snot from spreading around. Daycare, in my mind, was neither happy nor loving, the opposite of the kind of environment I wanted for my children. That person I was long before I married or had kids would never, never in a million years, have imagined daycare as an option for my children, my future precious babies.

Funny how life turns out. Because like I mentioned earlier, my kids are starting daycare next week.

So, how did we get here?

Well, the decision process was long and winding. We had a wonderful nanny this past year that I was so grateful for. Having a nanny in my home solved a lot of headaches (like what to do when my oldest was sick and needed to stay home from school), but created other headaches (what to do when she gets sick and can't work?). Plus, there was the conundrum of what to do with our middle child, who really ought to be attending preschool (alas, the wonderful days of Joy School co-ops are behind me). So we started looking into the daycare option provided on my university campus, and it looked good. Really good actually. After visiting and getting a tour, I was very impressed. They have an incredible staff-to-student ratio, three separate playgrounds, a garden that provides produce for the meals (lunch and snacks) prepared on site for the kids, and a fleet of vans and carseats for quarterly field trips. They had a sparkling accredited curriculum, and a shiny beautiful facility. It was not the dismal daycare center of my imagination. Plus, it was on campus. I could bring my kids to school with me, drop them off, then walk over to my building just a few minutes away. I could come eat lunch with them, or check on them whenever I wanted. It sounded perfect.

So we applied, and got accepted, and put down the deposit, and started making all the other arrangements. I would have a wonderful, reliable daycare option for my younger two children (the oldest one will be in full day school).

But then, the memory of my bishop's wife surfaced, and started haunting me daily. "You can see it in their eyes." You can see it in their eyes.

What can you see in their eyes? Neglect? A lack of love? A lack of connection? Is that what is destined for my children, now that they will be attending daycare? Does it mean I love them less? That I am less devoted, less involved, less of a mother?

I know there are many women out there who are rolling their eyes at my concerns. Of course it doesn't mean I love them less! Of course my kids will be just fine!

But I know some of you will understand why I feel so conflicted about this. These are my children, the single most important responsibility in my life. Nothing is more important, not a job, not a degree, nothing is more important than making sure they are well cared for and all their needs, physical and emotional, are being met. So, when I fully believe that, why am I doing this? Why am I sending my kids to daycare?

Honestly, my only answer is that I sincerely believe God wants me to. I don't think I could do this any other way, and I question Him over and over again, because it feels counter to everything my culture has taught me to believe about what He wants. But this I know: when I pray, I know that I am supposed to be getting this degree. And when I pray about my children, I know that God is taking care of them.

When my baby started nursery at the end of June, and screamed for forty minutes straight before the desperate nursery leaders finally found my husband, I came home from church, knelt, and prayed, "If she can't handle two hours of nursery, how is she going to handle a full day of daycare? Are you sure this is right?" And the answer I got was, "She'll be fine. I'll look after her, for remember, she's my child too."

When I found out about the daycare's policy that absolutely zero super hero paraphernalia is allowed, and my sweet boy who has worn his Catboy cape and mask day and night since March would not be allowed to wear it at school, I came home and prayed again, "But he loves that outfit! And if I were a stay-at-home mom, he could wear it as much as he wants! It's his security blanket against all his anxieties! Are yous sure this is right?" And the answer I got was, "He'll be fine. I'll look after him, for remember, he's my child too."

They'll be fine. They'll be fine.

They will know that I love them. They will know I am not abandoning them. They will not lose the light in their eyes.

And so, I write this, partly to justify my decisions to those of my culture who I know will question me, and partly to say that I now believe differently. I believe I can love and care for my children just as much as ever, and also let someone else watch them for a good chunk of their waking hours. I believe I am still a good mother. I believe my children will still know they are loved and cared for even if they will grow up in daycare. I believe it is all about perception, and my perception has changed.

My children will be raised by a good mother, a mother who has made many sacrifices. And you will be able to see it in their eyes.